Now I’m down bad crying at the gym
-Taylor Swift
I gained close to 50lbs during COVID, part of it was me getting depressed so I stayed in bed —a lot, it was not a fun time. By September 2021, I was tired of eating fast/junk food and I found these meal replacement protein shakes, and started substituting my meals with that. I had no weight loss goals in mind, I was just trying to eat better, fast forward to February of 2022, I had lost about 27lbs. So from 342lbs, I got 315lbs! I wanted to keep the ball going but knowing I wasn’t eating enough with the protein shakes I officially set up a goal of eating better, and I started counting calories, I still ate sweets and junk food, but everything in moderation, something I learned about myself is that if I’m to get to my goals, I need to indulge because cutting things out completely will just make me binge. I started going to the gym, this time around, instead of beating myself up for a missed day, I’d just suck it up and make it the next day. Or if I ate junk food and overpassed my calorie intake for the day… I stopped beating myself up. It made everything so much better. In July I was weighing 276lbs! 66lbs less.
I finished grad school and started working and it was hard to juggle work and gym, going in to work as early as I had to, made it hard to go to the gym, as a morning person, I prefer to work out in the morning. So I didn’t step a foot in the gym for three months, I was still counting calories, but I played fast and loose with it and gained ten pounds, 286lbs. Did I feel upset? Yes. Did I beat myself up? No. Three months into my job I pulled into a CrossFit gym. I had been wanting to do CrossFit for a few years but always figured I was too fat for that (and a “friend” had laughed at me years prior when I had mentioned wanting to try it out). It’s something I had been postponing until I was “fitter”. I’d see the videos and think: “there’s no way in hell I can do that, they’d make fun of me if I tried”. Gym culture is very toxic in nature, either you’re in or you’re not. September of 2022, I went to one of the CrossFit gym that Google showed near me. I remember walking in, scared of judgment. The front desk was empty: “we’re in the back” a sign read. So to the back I walked. I didn’t see anyone so I asked the first person I found who I could talk with, they pointed me to someone. I ended up finding her but she was about to start a class and told me to make an appointment. I walked out of there slightly upset. “Does she know how much of my will power it took me to get here?!” I walked to my car, not knowing if this was the last time I’d be there. Sometime in the next few hours, I went to the website and booked an appointment for the next day. I walked in next afternoon, again very nervous. A coach greets me very ecstatic: “give me a moment I’m just finishing this class”. I tell him it’s not a problem, I was there early. The trainer welcomed me and explained me the classes they had available, then turned to me and asked me what I was aiming for. I explained my weight loss with calorie counting and how I wanted to do CrossFit, just to be active, at this point I was even more nervous, he could laugh at my face, “a fat person wanting to do CrossFit? Are you fucking insane?”, except, he didn’t do that. With the same straight face and respect he had shown me so far, he said “yeah, you can do that!” He gave me the option of signing up on the spot, or going home and ponder about it. I didn’t want to sit on it for too long because I would not do it. I went home thought about it and the next day I pulled the plug, sent them a text and told them I was in. First day of class I was very intimidated, nervous, scared. Why? Judgement, scared I’d be made fun of, “the fat girl is trying to do CrossFit”. It turned out I had nothing to fear, the same warm welcome I was shown on that orientation day, it’s what I have received day after day, from the trainers, from the people…it turns out I love the challenge CrossFit gives me, it pushes me to my limits and makes it fun for me. And by being challenging and not monotonous, it makes it better for me to keep doing it, I used to get bored of the same exercises before and that played a part on why I never kept working out for long as well as the unrealistic expectations on weight loss
That first week there was some rowing involved and I remember looking to my left and this really pretty girl I was intimidated by, she looks at me and asks me if I’m new, I tell her it’s been a week, and she says something like “welcome! It never stops sucking” and I laughed nervously. Almost two years now and she wasn’t wrong. As soon as something is too easy you make it harder. So it never stops sucking but you’re getting stronger.
I started saying I didn’t have weight loss goals and that was true. Nine years ago, heck, three years ago having the scale plateau would have kept me from going to the gym, I had unrealistic expectations on what was a reasonable timeline. Now, I’ve been the same weight for the past two years, but my clothes fit better, I feel better, I can do things I couldn’t before. I lift more, I’m stronger. I stopped measuring my progress with what the number on the scale was and started seeing other things as progress. I think that’s what’s kept me doing it for so long. I’m a gym rat (cries). I never thought I’d be one. And it’s not only making me feel better it’s helped me get through some tough times. I’ve been stressed out, heartbroken but even while crying about whatever I’m upset about, I’ve put on my clothes and gone to the gym. And my problems are not magically solved but I don’t feel like shit for a few hours. Every little bit helps.
I was motivated for about three months with CrossFit. I started doing three days a week and went all the way up to six days. Eventually I settled on four to five. Sometimes I go in on my days off to do an active rest day if you will, I do some mobility, and stretches. I mention motivation because the truth is I don’t like working out. If I could be strong without it, I wouldn’t do it. But now my body craves it, I enjoy how it makes me feel so I keep doing it, what I’m trying to say is that right now, what gets me to the gym is not (exactly) motivation it’s discipline. Motivation doesn’t last very long and also part of why people quit.
My motivational Ted talk of the day is, find something you enjoy doing and do that. You don’t need to have weight loss goals, just moving and eating better, will help you feel better. I’m not discouraging weight loss whatsoever. I’m just saying to not obsess with that, it’s easy to lose your motivation and discipline when it feels it’s not doing anything. But getting stronger is not nothing. Each time I can lift more —or even feel/see my muscles I get reminded why I’m still doing it. I’m fucking sore all the time. But the alternative is not being able to move and I’d much rather be sore which is something I can make better with stretches and working out than not being able to make it upstairs. I don’t like that phrase “choose your hard” because it’s not that easy, but for me this is one of those “choose your hard”.
As always
With love,
Carolyn