You paint me a blue sky
Taylor Swift
Then go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight
I have dealt with many people in my life. Some have stayed, some have not. It hurts when one you cared for leaves, but as I ponder, in the sorrow’s aftermath, I realized they left, but the lessons I learned from them will stay with me. Growth is a good thing. I’ll never claim that I know everything because I know for a fact that I don’t. In fact, I welcome everyone around me to call me out whenever they think I am doing something wrong, especially to new people I meet. People walk on eggshells whenever they want to point out things to others because they don’t know how the other one will take it, and that’s a fair assessment. But I would want no one in my circle to feel that way, so I welcome criticism. I will not claim that it doesn’t bother me, occasionally it will, but I hear it, and ponder on it. Then I determine if they are right or not and on a lot of occasions I concede I was wrong, and I work to fix it.
I welcome growth. I just would enjoy it a lot more if the growth was with the people that stayed, not those who left. It doesn’t feel fair needing to lose someone or being in pain, in order to grow. You’d think growing meant they’d stay, and that’s true for many people in my life. So why am I focusing on those that left? Well, I guess one remembers pain more than happiness. You know, when you gave it your very best; you were willing to compromise; meet them in the middle (or way past it) so they’d stay, but they still leave? Yeah, it sucks. It hurts. I’m terrible at trying to fix things, usually I just make them worse. A good analogy for this is whenever I paint my nails, that’s something I suck at, so I always have nail polish around the nail — where there shouldn’t be any—, so when I try to remove it, I end up removing the nail polish of the nail and I make it worse. Well, the same thing goes for relationships.
Well, maybe it’s me
Taylor Swift
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love and take it away
And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don’t understand
And I look back in regret how I ignored when they said
“Run as fast as you can”
Taylor Swift is one of my favorite artists. Her music often resonates with me. “Dear John” is one of those. I heard it and I was: “Well shit, she also went through this”. I often ignore red flags, not necessarily because I don’t see them, but because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, “maybe that’s not what they meant“; “maybe they had a bad day“. Sometimes those are true, but sometimes that blind optimism gets to me. I’m debating whether it’s sad, but time and time again, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and they fail me, but a new person comes in and I give it to them.
In my twenty-eight years, one, maybe two, people have shown me how evil people can be. They know they’re done with you, but they need you, so they stick around. Or they point out your flaws, while completely dismissing theirs. I think the worst part of the former is that things were rocky, but when they seemed friendly again, you think it’s going back to normal. They get you high just to drop you. The worse of the latter I think has to do with that lack of accountability. I mentioned how I don’t mind getting called out on things, but it’s a two-way street. You can’t call me out on things and when I do, you get defensive. We’re adults, not five.
When I was a child and then a teen, I thought the reason people my age were immature was because I was “too mature for my age”, but as an adult I have realized that it is completely false, I’ve seen adults throw tantrums, it has nothing to do with age. Silly me. Naïve me. That’s one of my problems. I’m too optimistic, “if I put in more effort, they’ll appreciate it“. They usually don’t and the problem becomes bigger.
I think the worse of people is whenever they paint this image of themselves and as time moves along; you notice it’s not them at all. But you hold on, maybe you’re imagining things, maybe that’s them on a bad day. I think it’s sad to think that a relationship with someone you care about is not possible because you bring out the worse in each other. Another contradiction of life, you care about a person, but you are terrible for each other. It’s sad, frustrating even.
I don’t like tooting my horn, but I’d like to think that I’m an honest, caring, loving, friendly, funny, thoughtful, and loyal person, at the same time not everyone is going to see that, and I’ve killed myself trying to show that to people who are covering their eyes. Somehow, I think I can convince people of how good I am. But I am slowly learning it’s just a waste of time.
I wouldn’t say those failed relationships were a waste of time, though. They were incredibly sad at the time that I had to go through them, but in the long run, they made me a better person. Every day I strive to do and be better. If they can’t see that, then maybe they don’t deserve to be in my life.
Learn to let go.
As always,
With love,
Carolyn