December 2018 – 3DPrintsByCece

Posted on December 22, 2018November 5, 2022 by Carolyn — 2 Comments

Iceland: My first trip overseas

The circumstances that surrounded my trip to Iceland (my first international trip at that) were interesting. Well, maybe not so much. But it started with my professor telling me how cheap direct flights to Iceland were, so of course I had to check it out. And indeed, the roundtrips to Iceland were $300 from Pittsburgh. I had to try to make it there, even if it was by myself (but I went with a friend after all). It ended up being one of the best decisions I had ever made. Iceland in itself it’s expensive (hello, $6 per gallon of gas!) but I don’t regret it. I didn’t spend that much really, around $600 between flight, the room I stayed in and the rental car. Some $80 in gas, and about $30 per day on food and miscellaneous.

But let me tell you, getting there wasn’t that much fun. I hate flying, and a six hour flight is no easy feat. The flight was at 6 pm, and we would arrive there at 5 am, but because it was summer it looked like it was 10 am. And to be honest, it looked depressive as hell. All around the airport, not even a tree in sight. Scratch that, there wasn’t a sign of anything alive. And on top of that, the massive jet lag (yes, yes, it can be worse, it was just 6hr difference, but jet lag virgin here!)

This is what a lot of Iceland looks like. According to a museum I visited, the reason Iceland has no trees is due to the Vikings that cut them down so often they extinguished them (but there is a current effort trying to reforest Iceland, so yay!)

Our days were gonna be packed, since we were gonna be driving for hours to get to the places we wanted to see, and after half an hour or so, Iceland started to look amazing. First stop, Reynisfjara Beach or Black Sand beach. It was a 3 hour drive from the airport. We encountered many beautiful landscapes on the way, but this waterfall takes the cake.

After the three hour ride, we made it to Reynisfjara. The first thing we saw was a sign with a warning saying that “the beach is not suitable for bathers”, because the waves are really rough, and the weather varies so unexpectedly that they don’t even recommend standing too close to the shore, since there was an accident a few years back where a person stood too close and a wave came in and swept him.

As you can see, it is very beautiful. But it was also windy as hell, and the 50’s felt like 30’s. To the left of this beach there are these rocky stacks, called Reynisdrangar that are so famous they can be seen on Game of Thrones, Season 7 in the episode North of the Wall. They are as impressive as they look! Fun fact about this beach, according to the site Guide To Iceland, local folklore says that the columns were once trolls trying to pull boats to the shore, but they stayed out too late, and at dawn, the trolls turned into stone.

On our way back from Reykjavik we stopped at the renowned Blue Lagoon, we had seen the images and heard the buzz, so of course we had to visit. It is expensive as hell, but it is a must do (at least once in your life). The ticket prices vary per time, and increase as you get closer to the date. We loved it, in spite of it being an artificial thermal water lagoon (which is fed by a factory nearby). They ask that you bathe without a bathing suit, so that you don’t pass off chemicals to the water, and while they do have private showers for people like us in the U.S. that are not used to it, most of the showers were open and women were having conversations while showering, which to be honest we thought was weird. But as someone pointed out, it is weirder how bathroom stalls in the U.S. have huge gaps that you can see through.

Like I said, while expensive, it is definitely worth visiting at least once. (P.S. that was at 10 pm.) We drove back to Reykjavik, where we were staying. When we got there, we were intrigued because the lady we rented the room from said that the front door should be open. Coming from a place where criminality is high, this was new for us. Once we found the house, it was indeed open, and so was our room, though she provided us with a key for the room door, something we appreciated. We found a grocery store where we bought breakfast for the following days. Initially, we were confused with the currency exchange, and thought we were paying some hundred dollars for five items, but nowhere is that expensive, I think. It was just some $12 (oops). Also, we were not thrilled by the fact that most places closed up by 6 pm (and they usually opened by 9 or 10 am) though, so most of the time we didn’t make it back in time to do more grocery shopping. Speaking of being out late, we walked around Reykjavik at midnight, and this is what it looked like.

Next day we headed to the northwestern town Ólafsvík and, oh my. That place was breathtaking. From the tiny waterfall in some people’s backyard, to the mountain view, the tiny house with a museum, the church (Ólafsvíkurkirkja) and even the hotdogs.

We had heard about the thermal natural pools, and of course we had to go! So we went to Snæfellsbær. It was an interesting experience. They told us that in order to go in, we had to shower without our bathing suit before we went in, so we wouldn’t contaminate the water with chemicals we had on, let it be deodorant, perfume, etc. To our surprise, the showers had no curtains… AT ALL. And there were around four of them. My friend and I decided to take showers separately, since the place was pretty empty. After the showers we walked out, and it was freezing cold, ok?! So we hesitated to go into the green water, though we knew it was due to the algae in it from the spring it fed off. There were three different ponds, all different temperatures.

A few years ago, I met a girl while doing an internship in Pennsylvania and coincidentally she is doing her master’s in Iceland, so she, very nicely offered to guide us to our next destination: the Golden Circle. This area has a lot of sightseeing places, like Þingvellir National Park, a Geysir, a waterfall, thermal baths, a crater, a lagoon, among other places. It takes about six hours to go around it, and boy was it a trip! First stop, Þingvellir National Park, where we walked between a fault that until 1967 was used as a road. Next stop, Öxarárfoss waterfall (well, writing waterfall is redundant because the “foss” means waterfall in Icelandic). Then, the Þingvallavatn lake, and while it was beautiful, I had never seen so many bugs (and I am from a tropical place where we have a shit ton of bugs). Next we headed to the Kerid crater, before continuing to Friðheimar, where we had made a reservation. My friend suggested it for its tomato soup and bread (unlimited I might add). At twenty dollars it was pricy, but it was worth it. I was skeptical of tomato soup, but I was proven wrong, it was amazing! In this farm, they grow their own tomatoes and cucumbers inside a green house, and they even have horses (which we petted of course). Next to this restaurant a place was selling strawberries, and while expensive, they were so yummy. Pure perfection!

After that amazing lunch, we had to keep sightseeing. Next stop was Faxi waterfall in Bláskógabyggð. You’d think we would be tired of waterfalls, but each time we saw a new one, it was bigger than the one before. We were standing so close to it at some point that we ended soaking wet.

I did say that every time we saw another waterfall, it was a bigger one right? Well, I present to you Gullfoss. My favorite thing was the permanent rainbow and the calm sound of the water falling. With the huge number of waterfalls and thermal pools, Geysir, etc., it is no surprise Iceland runs mostly on renewable energy (hydroelectric and geothermal), but on this particular waterfall, there was a sign that said that a woman fought for this waterfall to not be turned into a hydroelectric energy source, in order t preserve it as it was, and she won. (P.S. This day was particularly sunny and I believe it was the only one like that while we were there, most of the days were overcast.)

We proceeded to drive to the Geysir. This became one of my favorite places. But the place that took the cake was the Bruarfoss (another waterfall), as you can see, while it is not as big as the previous ones, in the middle it is deeper, which causes the lighter color. It was scary standing on the bridge that crossed it, as it was vibrating a lot from the water moving below it. But it truly became my favorite spot.

Soon it was time to return the car, walk around Reykjavik and learn its history. Over the next few days we visited museums and a public pool (which I have no pictures of as we were not allowed to have phones in the pool area).

I have a thing for chapels so whenever I visit a place where there’s one, I’m there.

Remember I talked about a friend before? Well, she invited me to a picnic, she and some friends of them were having. To be honest, I hesitated a little bit, but I ended up saying yes, and it was the best choice I could have made. For one, I got to meet people from all over Europe, so it was hard to not “fangirl” since these were people from countries I wanted to visit, so I had a lot of questions for them. To my defense in the beginning, it was a bit overwhelming when I first met them, we were in their apartment, and it was a relative small space for the amount of people there were there (some 20 people). There were German, Dutch, Kenyan, American, Romanian, Colombian, Dominican and Mexican people (I’m sure there were more but I only talked to a handful of them). It was honestly one of the best things. We got to talk about Puerto Rico, its political status, how we’re dealing with the current U.S. President, and how it all looks like a freak show for the people across the pond. I was speechless, I had lived in the U.S. for a year, and no one was this well informed!

I saw most of them one last time before I left. It was a shame I met them at the end of my trip, and for such a short amount of time! But I am glad to have kept in touch with some of them. It really brings diversity to one’s life, and it broadens your mind and your knowledge.

Unfortunately, shortly after this, we departed. But not before walking one last time through Reykjavik, where we found a coffee shop that sold vinyls. Looking through them, I found a Julio Iglesias one, which really surprised me, I didn’t know they would know who he is, but apparently he’s a hit! So, of course I had to buy it and I’ve pretty much travelled with “him” ever since. In the airport, it made for an interesting conversation when a French lady talked to us about how much she liked him.

Sadly, the trip came to an end, but I was left with the amazing memories. People, I urge you to travel, it’s the best thing you can do. You’ll make amazing memories and your mind will open. This was my first trip across the pond, and I loved it! Europe will definitely be seeing me soon again.

Carolyn

Posted on December 13, 2018November 5, 2022 by Carolyn — 2 Comments

The American Dream

Before I start, a little back story: Christopher Columbus colonized Puerto Rico in 1493 in the name of Spain, after killing all the natives and stealing the land’s gold. Fast-forward to 400 years in the future: the Spanish-American war began as the aftermath of the explosion of the USS Maine in Cuba. Long story short, the United States won, and as a result Puerto Rico, as well Guam and the Philippines were “conceded” (in reality they paid 20 million) to the United States. In 1900, just two years after P.R. became a possession of the U.S., came the Foraker Act, which established a local government. Seventeen years later, came the Jones Act, the one that gave Puerto Ricans the U.S. citizenship (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg). But that’s right, Puerto Ricans have been “American” citizens for 101 years. Let that sink in. ONE HUNDRED AND ONE YEARS. And I still get asked if I have a visa or if I need a passport to travel back and forth. But I’ll get to that later.

The U.S. government used to assign officials to rule over Puerto Rico, but in 1952, 52 years after it was first colonized, Puerto Ricans were finally able to vote to choose its own government for the first time. To put this into perspective, my grandfather was born on a Puerto Rico that was forcefully ruled by American government officials that knew absolutely nothing about Puerto Ricans, or our culture for that matter. It’s been 66 years since the first time we were allowed to vote, but we still cannot vote for the U.S. President while living on the island. Talk about taxation without representation… So, year after year, we are imposed a government and we don’t have much of a say in the matter. Don’t get me wrong, we can vote for our local government and legislation, but any time a federal law is passed and it affects us as well, we can’t exactly do anything about it, since we only have control over our local laws.

That’s right puertoricans have been “American” citizens for 101 years.

Growing up in a colonized country means having your culture affected and influenced by the colonizing nation. Puerto Rico’s culture is undoubtedly a rich one, same as the culture of all Latin and Central America countries. But through the years, we have lost a lot of our traditions due to a modern Americanized culture. A simple yet important example is the language. Given that Spain colonized us first, by the time the U.S. took control of our little island, we spoke Spanish, and though the U.S. tried to implement English as our official language, it never really caught on. Of course there are English speakers in our country, but I’d estimate that it’s only about 15%-20% of the population. But while English didn’t catch on as our first language, it did influence our daily lives a lot, to the point that there’s a word for it: “Spanglish”. Words like: parking, sandwich, and hamburger (to name a few), are used instead of their Spanish counterparts, with a slight Puerto Rican accent, so they would sound more like: palking, sanguish, and jambelgel. While the American culture has influenced Puerto Rico’s a lot, we still have our own identity, and to be honest, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Puerto Ricans are warm, giving individuals, so much so that we have a saying that goes like: “If I’m asked to go a mile, I’ll go two”. It just means that we give more than we’re asked for, and I think that pretty much summarizes us.

“If I’m asked to go a mile, I’ll go two”

Back when I moved to the States, I didn’t realize the huge cultural shock that I was going to experience. I had visited the States a couple times, and stayed around two months on two different occasions, so why would living here be any different? But oh boy, it was. I feel like Puerto Ricans are brainwashed into believing the United States is this ideal place where everything works perfectly, and where we have nothing to worry about. Every time something would malfunction in P.R., you could hear the phrase: “Same as in the U.S., right?” Of course this was meant as sarcasm, criticizing P.R.’s management of a particular issue. But the thing that shocked me the most when I moved? Guns. Americans have a weird obsession with guns. And hey, I kind of get it, I’ve played video games, I love John Wick, but I would never actually own one (between us, it’d probably go off when I had to clean it, and then I’d die). Every time a gun-related incident happens, the white-male logic is that we need even more guns. How the fudge is that the logic?!

We had a ~~huge~~ scare last week at school. I was minding my own business as usual, working in my office, when a text message popped up: “THE CAMPUS IS IN LOCK DOWN. A SUSPECT IS CURRENTLY AT LARGE WITH FIREARM. LAST SEEN BY REC CENTER”. The first thought that came into my mind was: “well, that’s perfect”, a few seconds before someone from my office stormed out and yelled at me to lock the door behind him. Needless to say, I was frightened. There are guns in P.R., but not quite like this. And while people do die as a result of gun violence in P.R., I had never been scared that I could actually die from it. And mind you, I lived behind a public housing project, a place where drugs are sold, and I wouldn’t put it past them that they sell guns too. Yet, I felt safer there than I do at times in my rural little apartment. Anyway, after the guy came back, he was yelling at me to go hide in the Dean’s office where a lot of other people were hiding out as well. I was so disoriented by everything that I left my phone behind, shortly after I’d texted a friend about what was happening, without telling her I was fine (I’m a horrible person, I know, I’m sorry).

But what happened in the next hour will always stay with me. I was trying to keep my cool, because I’m not one to freak out easily, and I also didn’t want to be the cliché girl that freaked out about guns. And I had to bite my tongue as the room I was in, filled in the majority with white males, were: 1. Complaining that if we were allowed to have guns on campus, they would have put an end to it already 2. Joking that even if the guy made it through the double doors, there were enough of us there so he wouldn’t be able to kill everyone 3. Bragging about how many guns they had back home 4. Making endless jokes about guns. Don’t get me wrong, where there are jokes, there’s me in the front seat. But at that time? It was just tone-deaf. Specially, specially, when there’s a shooting every other day in this country. Like, really? I know you guys learn how to shoot a gun before you can even walk, but honestly it’s so over the top. Why do you feel the need to own an armory? I was told a story about how in a place in Europe a guy got into trouble for posing online with a machete or something. A F R E A K I N G M A C H E T E. And you guys complain when you can’t carry your assault rifles on campus! Like honestly, what’s wrong with this country?

…complaining that if we were allowed guns on campus, they would have put an end to it already…

The main goal of this post was to talk about guns. I honestly believe that guns should be much more restricted. A thorough process should be carried out before even thinking to give someone a gun. It also should be expensive as hell, and people should have a hell of a justification to own one. It shouldn’t be as easy as buying one at Walmart. That’s right, you can buy guns at Walmart! (For my European readers.) It’s funny enough that the one near my house, doesn’t sell hard liquor, but you can buy a shotgun and ammo. I was told by a white coworker that if he walked into a random gun shop, he most likely could walk out with a gun, without much fuss. And people try to tell me that the process is rigorous! Look, the Second Amendment thing made sense at the time the Constitution was written. Times were hard and difficult back then. But now? Guns do more harm than they do good. I just hope I live to see a United States were a rigorous gun reform is implemented. I am tired of going around feeling paranoid of what any crazy person with a gun might do. And also, it’s heartbreaking to hear about people dying often because of a crazy and irresponsible person. And don’t you dare start on the “it’s the person, not the tool”, because I am 100% sure that, while to some extent the argument that “if the person wants to do harm, they will do it anyway” is true, they simply can’t kill as many people with a machete as they can with a gun.

That’s right, you can buy guns at Walmart!

I will close up with this: I know you’re wondering why I wrote “American” back in the first paragraph in quotation marks? It’s because no one in Latin America or in the Spanish language for that matter calls you Americans. America consists of: Brazil, México, Canada, Puerto Rico, Cuba, Venezuela, etc. So naturally, the term feels wrong. I do realize that the word “United Statesian” sounds funky in English, but it’s how you are properly called (“estadounidense”) in any Spanish speaking country, and I think the term should catch on in English too. It’s an insult to all of the Americas that you refer exclusively to the U.S. as America, especially when there’s an active ethnic cleanse campaign going on. By being born in Puerto Rico, I am as much an “American” citizen as my next door neighbor that was born in the mainland twenty minutes from here. But he doesn’t get asked for his visa when doing some errands at school; he doesn’t get stared at in public places; he doesn’t get his name mispronounced or misspelled because people can’t grasp the concept that we have two last names, nor they assume that my first last name is my middle name, and thus I get called by my second last name instead; and he most definitely doesn’t get yelled at in a Wendy’s restaurant for speaking in Spanish. I urge everyone in the U.S. to know more about your own history. What happened in Puerto Rico is part of U.S. history too, and I should have to explain every other day how I don’t need a passport to travel to and from Puerto Rico, and everything else that comes with those questions. It makes us feel uncomfortable and frankly, it makes you look stupid. This is why I enjoyed my trip to Iceland so much. In a week I met more educated people than I did in the U.S. in a year. But that’s a story for another day.

Carolyn

Posted on December 11, 2018November 5, 2022 by Carolyn — 3 Comments

Live and learn

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.
Jeff Ross

I am a very energetic person. I will sing and dance at a public place, even though I am not good at either one. While I will cry at the silliest things, i.e. if someone yells at me (I’m not very thick skinned), I will never (or rarely) do so in public. So, I may have been crying minutes before stepping into any public place, but I will still have my best smile, a song or two, and most likely a dance. Rarely people outside of my close circle of friends will know what’s going on. I am also a very kind person. I will go to the ends of the Earth for the people I care about and I get attached quick and very easily, usually just a couple of days if the other person is also showing interest in starting a friendship. As an example (a funny/interesting one at that), the last time I made a friend, I was able to pinpoint the exact moment I realized that it was going to end up with me getting attached and inevitably hurt, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

First, some back story. A couple of months ago my work place was having a few visitors from outside the country that were going to be with us for a while, and then they were going back home. They were working under my boss, so by extension, with me. Since I consider myself kind and welcoming, I basically took it upon myself to show them around. They told me they loved to play pool, and since I had offered to drive them around as necessary, one day they looked up a place to play and I took them. I had never played pool before, being raised in a strict Christian household, pool is considered a bar game, meaning only people who drink play it (fun fact: my mom still cringes at the fact that I know how to play pool… I’m twenty four years old!). We went to what looked like a very sketchy place. Out of the two, one is an introvert, the other an extrovert. The extrovert told the employee that there were going to be three players. I frowned as I heard it, but I went along with it (although I am an extrovert too, I am very introverted around strangers at first, and they were still strangers by then). They chose a table and three cues, even though I had explicitly said that I didn’t know how to play.

As they were starting to play, I tell the introvert that they could play without me, and he tells me: “it’s fine, we want you to play”. That comment warmed my heart, it felt really good, it had been a while since someone had wanted me to be a part of something. But I was feeling embarrassed because they were really good and I was not. So as the extrovert is watching the table to choose his shot, I approach him and I tell him the same thing, to which he replies: “it’s fine, we want you to play”. And I thought it was hilarious how they both said the same thing, in different moments, and it’s not like either of them spoke loud enough for the other to hear. They genuinely wanted me to play with them, it made me so happy. I don’t think they even knew how much.
In that split second the following words went through my mind: you’re going to get attached to them, and they’re eventually leaving, so you’re going to be sad. But there was nothing that I could do to stop it, short of not talking to them again. And did I want to? Not really. And was the pain worth all the happy moments? Yes, it was.

Long story short, they started teaching me how to play, and by the end I was a lot improved. We played often while they stayed here, and I’m so much better now than that clueless girl who was barely able to hit the white cue ball. I always come across people, like the extrovert I mentioned before, that are okay with me getting attached quickly. They, more often than not, turn out to be people that I can talk to, befriend them and be myself with. Luckily, that was the case here. Spoiler alert: we’re BFFs now, even though the idiot lives on the other side of the world (thank God for Whataspp) and that we only knew each other for two months. Surprisingly enough, he’s a lot like me and gets attached to people quickly.

…
…you’re going to get attached to them, and they’re eventually leaving, so you’re going to be sad… and was the pain worth all the happy moments? Yes, it was…

But I also have come across people that don’t like the way I am and/or want me to change, and there are two that particularly stand out. (Sidenote: I have this weird thing where I feel like I need to be extra nice to people that are dicks to me. And before you ask, it takes a lot for me to be able to be mean in return, and in the end it just takes a toll on me, so I figure it’s not worth it. I’d rather be nice than not… it’s just who I am.) Anyway, the first person was this guy I knew who was really mean to me (and because I’m a masochist, I used to have a crush on him, jeez), but the thing is I never understood why he acted like that. I do know that I like to call people by pet names, and more often than not it’s done unconsciously (so you’ll hear me calling you “babe”, “honey”, etc.) but since he hated it, I did my best not to call him that, although I admit I’m still not the best at controlling what I say. Fast-forward a year or two, we were on the phone, and we were talking about situations like this that had happened between us, and I found out what was going through his mind back then. He knew he was being a dick to me, and it angered him that I was nice, and so he was extra mean. Talk about logic.

I feel like I need to be extra nice to people that are dicks to me.

The second person was this other guy I used to be friends with. The way we became friends was unusual, everything happened really fast. Within a few days of knowing each other we got each other stuff (little presents), we would hang out often, the whole deal. (Quick background: Recently, and as a result of various situations, I have been getting to know myself better, and now I am able to tell people: “I’m like this” or “I do this and that”, so no one can ever blame me for lying or misleading them. I’m upfront front the beginning.) But the thing is, after a month or so this person started to mind my talking a lot, my energetic personality, etc. If he had known himself well enough, and if he had told me the truth about how he felt, I could have explained that my behavior wasn’t because I had a crush on him (like he thought), but because I am like that with everyone. Oh well, we’re not friends anymore. Shit happens, moving on…

I have been getting to know myself better.

The reason I went through the trouble of explaining all of this is because something really nice and cute happened today in the midst of finals ~~hell~~ week. I was doing this homework that has been taking us forever to finish, and I was beat. One of my classmates mentioned that his wife’s birthday was today, so as we’re leaving for the day I tell him: “tell your wife I said happy birthday”, and he says he’ll pass it on. So I go like: “Yeah, just tell her that a random classmate that she doesn’t know wishes her a happy birthday”. He then goes on to say: “Oh, she knows about you”. There were a million thoughts going through my head at the moment about why he would tell her about me, but the most predominant was: “Oh, maybe he told her he has a classmate from Puerto Rico”. Then he said the nicest thing ever: “She knows I take classes with someone that has the energy of a 6 year old”, there was a pause, and I smiled and said: “I’m taking that as a compliment”, and he told me it was.

So, what I am trying to get at is this: not everyone will appreciate you, not everyone will like who you are, and people will give you shit for being yourself. And that hurts… like hell. But remember, just remember, there is always someone that will appreciate you, someone that will like you the way you are, accept you just the way you are, and love you in spite of the things they don’t like about you, but they look past them because they know that’s not the only part of you. Don’t let the people that don’t appreciate who you are bring you down. They’re not worth it. Fight for those who are there through thick and thin, those who will put their pride aside to be there with you, because they truly love you. So move on, there will come someone along who will be worth it. I will pass on the wisdom of a good friend of mine, when I asked him how do I know when it’s time to let go of things or people, he said: “It’s easy, value your time, determine the things that bother you and make them non-negotiable. If a non-negotiable thing happens, let it go, it’s not worth it”, and had I followed his advice, I think I would have ended a certain friendship a month or so before the other person decided that they were done with me. But live and learn, and don’t make the same mistake twice, babe.

Carolyn

Posted on December 9, 2018November 5, 2022 by Carolyn — 2 Comments

The end is a beginning

Find out who you are and do it on purpose
Dolly Parton

As a 13 year old, I thought that 24 year olds had their life put together and knew what they were doing. Yet, here at 24 I do not know what I am doing. And of course it is not literally. I am working to get my PhD in order to be able to get the job I want. I mean it in a more personal way, this past year as I lived by myself for the first time I have grown so much as a person. But it hasn’t been without its ups and downs. There have been at least five life-changing experiences that have instructed me in how to be the woman I am working to become. I will talk about them because I know I am not alone and I want people that are still getting to know themselves to know that they’re not either.

First, the biggest shock was moving from the place I called home for 23 years. And while I had the privilege of traveling before, nothing really prepared me to be far from home for an extended period of time, far from friends, family, and the land that saw me grow up. While I do enjoy having an apartment to myself, I was not prepared for its emptiness on the hard days, the days where I would usually just drive to my best friend’s house for ice cream or nachos, or just go out with her and have a laugh. These became movie nights with ice cream or nachos on a semi-comfortable couch with a nosy cat, all by myself. I’ve had to learn how to be comfortable by myself. And while I am still working on it, I am much better at it than when I first moved here.

Secondly, I had to deal with the loss of a friend. While it wasn’t a friend that I hung out with often it was a friend that whenever I was feeling inadequate or insecure knew exactly what to say to cheer me up. I am known to be a drama queen, and he would always tell me to leave the drama to him (which would make me laugh), and whenever I feel down I still remember what he used to tell me: Fake it until you make it. The words reverberate in my mind and make me hold on when all I want to do is let go of everything.

Fake it until you make it.

Thirdly, anyone that knows me knows how much I put into any relationship that I have. I am the friend that you can call at 3 a.m. and will drop everything to help you out. I will call you out on things, but I will also take care of you, worry about you if I see you hurting, and try to do my best in any situation. I am a true believer that everything has a solution. Hence, I hold on to things for far longer than I should because I try to fix everything. I had to learn the hard way that it is not possible to fix things if the other person is not willing to work on them too. It has always been hard for me to make friends, it either has to do with my high energy personality or the fact that being fat has always made me susceptible to jokes and bullying. Eventually, I was able to see past the jokes, and they rarely affect me anymore. Fast-forward circa 2015, a person I had been friends with since 2010, broke up with his girlfriend and started to hang out with me a lot more than we ever had. It was the greatest thing ever, I had a thing for him back when I met him, but by then I honestly wasn’t sure if I still had feelings for him or not, I just knew it felt nice to have a friend to hang out with. After the nicest six months, everything changed, he pushed me away, stopped talking to me, and claimed everything was fine. Had I taken the hint, I would have ended the friendship, and saved me a lot of headaches, but I wanted to figure out what was happening. Long story short, he was treating me like shit, but I kept coming back. Stockholm syndrome much? Our relationship had become toxic and I hadn’t noticed because I loved him, and because he was a dear friend. It took meeting a new person (because I wouldn’t listen to my friends) that ended up caring about me, to call me on my shit and for me to do something about this toxic relationship. Eventually I told him that he had repeatedly said that our friendship was over, so we shouldn’t contact each other anymore. He didn’t take it well, but also didn’t do something to fix it. Though I knew it was the right thing to do, I regretted it in the following minutes. After all, I am an optimist. Months have gone by, and while every once in a while I regret it, I also think it was for the best, and I feel good about it, because I had not felt that relaxed in a while until I called it quits.

Our relationship had become toxic and I hadn’t noticed

Fourth, I would always see posts online, people saying how much a person helped them grow, and I would always think it was bullshit. After all, had I truly learned anything from my own friends? I thought I hadn’t. But then, by pure chance I met a person that has honestly changed me in ways I didn’t know I could/needed. He came and made me question everything I thought I knew. Showed me what a mature relationship was. Unsurprisingly, I fell for him. It was the first time that I hadn’t felt insecure about being fat, or inadequate for someone. I took a leap of faith, and I wrote a letter telling him what I felt for him. It was a really scary moment because he was my friend, and I didn’t want to lose that, but I also wanted to be truthful and honest. He thought it was cute and appreciated it (I am an open book, so he already knew). I was expecting him to push me away, but instead, he reassured me that I wasn’t going to lose him, and I didn’t. On the contrary, he showed me how much he cared about me, even if he didn’t reciprocate those feelings. Multiple times he showed me he loved me, by giving me advice; yelling at me for putting myself in situations where I would get hurt; or for failing to call him to say that I arrived home safely. He loves me, and wants the best for me, and he’s proved it with more than words. He told me things no one had before, words that I still remember: You’re a kind person and it makes me want to be kind to you too. He’s a jerk sometimes, but I love him anyway. It’s funny how you get to know someone so well in such a short period of time, and how much they end up meaning to you.
The only bad thing is that the dick lives on the other side of the world, because why couldn’t I meet someone that lived within driving distance? (Because the world is cruel, that’s why).

He loves me, and wants the best for me, and he’s proved it with more than words.

Fifth and last, I met another person who was my friend for a little while. It all happened too fast, I honestly do not know why or how. I just know I started suggesting things to do, and this new friend would agree. He came by my place a couple times, we went out a handful of others. At some point, it looked like we were dating. I didn’t want to bring it up but luckily for me, he brought it up and we cleared up that nothing was going on. I did point out that everything I did with him, was the same I would have done for any of my friends, but unfortunately nothing went back to the way it was before. After a month of ignoring me (for the most part), he decided to call it quits. On the grounds that I made him anxious, that we talked more than he was comfortable with, and then he even dared tell me that I held onto my friend’s word that he liked me more than his own word, which was never the case. He made up his mind about me without letting me explain, without giving me the benefit of the doubt. I do not regret anything I did, because I did the best that I could. Whatever blame I had, I took responsibility for it and I was actively working to fix it. I guess in the end he wasn’t really my friend, and everything he told me about always being honest “and telling me things how they were”, was bullshit. Had he done it before, instead of putting up with it to “protect me”, we would have been able to fix it. But he waited to be fed up with it, and made his mind about me without giving me a say in the situation.

“One taught me loss, one taught me to let go, one taught me about life and one taught me growth.”

I titled this “The end is a beginning” because I saw the end of of two friendships, the first a long and toxic relationship that I held on to longer than I should have, and the second one that was short-lived, but delightful while it lasted. And while they ended, something began. I am getting to know myself, I am determining what are my deal-breakers, so that I don’t prolong things that have no good ending in sight. And it hurt, because I have a hard time letting go of things. But I learned that it is part of growing up, and people will come and go, but everyone that you meet is a lesson learned, and I am a fool if I don’t learn from it. So I can’t be sad because it ended, I have to be happy it happened, and it brought me to a new beginning.

Carolyn