Category: extrovert

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The Prophecy

“And it was written

I got cursed like Eve got bitten

Oh, was it punishment?”

-Taylor Swift

Most people learn about themselves as teens, and make the big mistakes in their 20s. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that privilege, I was sheltered from a young age and I couldn’t move from that for a very long time. For example, I wasn’t allowed to have or be at sleepovers. The first time my mother allowed me to go to a sleepover was when I was 16-17. These were people I knew since I was 12-13, but it took heavy convincing, and I was never allowed to have one at our house. My mother thinks this is why I’m always angry at her which is fucking laughable. My anger is due to her tone deaf comments, insensitivity, her emotional unavailability, which have never subsided, and by the way, she thinks that her helping me with homework as a child was her going above and beyond? I wish I was kidding, anyway.

She’s also very religious so she didn’t want me to be influenced by non-Christians, and it didn’t matter if they practiced another religion, for her they were all wrong because Protestantism is the one true religion (she’s changed her tune since then). I wished she was right, I wished that it was drugs or alcohol, or reckless sex, but it wasn’t (because she’d be right), it was sleepovers, movie nights, going to the movie theatre, and listening to all kinds of music, that’s what me and my friends did that she didn’t allow me to do for a long time. On this note, she says that I was a good Christian girl until I was brainwashed in college, again, not exaggerating.

I have always craved having a mother that I could tell things to, I remember being jealous of my friends because they had a close relationship with their moms. Throughout my life I have tried including my mother, only for every time I do, she reminds me why I don’t. I remember being a teen and telling a friend of mine that I liked him, I shared that with my mother after the fact, I was like 18, her reaction to that? “Carolyn, men don’t like women that, women that are forward. You need to wait for them to make the first move.” When I was 27, she told me I ruined her Christmas when I told her I got a nose piercing, I was well out of her house by then, now she recants.

“Please

I’ve been on my knees

Change the prophecy

Don’t want money

Just someone who wants my company

Let it once be me

Who do I have to speak to

About if they can redo the prophecy?”

So you see, on one hand I was struggling (mostly alone) with the idea that no man would ever like me because of my personality (thanks mom) and on the other, I have always been fat, so I also thought no one would like me because “who likes fat girls?” (thanks society). A perfect combination for a fucking mess. Moving out of her house gave me the space to start figuring out who I am. What I like, what I don’t like. This proved to be surprisingly hard. Turns out that even though I hadn’t practiced Christianity for years at that point, everything they taught me, all the things I had heard at church in my formative years had taken a very deep hold on me. Intellectually I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, and I wasn’t, but emotionally, I felt bad about those things.

“Slow is the quicksand

Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand

Oh, still I dream of him”

All this story is a precursor, a summary if you will, so you understand why it took me so long to find myself, to like myself and to actually believe someone would want and like me.

I had to make conscious choices to change that way of thinking. There’s not a manual to guide you through it. Hating your body and thinking people won’t love you, makes it really hard to find someone, because if you hate yourself, how is someone else supposed to love it? Daniel Sloss has a great analogy where he says that if you love yourself 20% and someone comes in to love you 40%, you think that’s a lot, but it is literally less than half. But if you love yourself 100%, someone has to go above and beyond to love you (It’s from his special Jigsaw on Netflix).

So relatively recently I made it, about two years ago I hopped back on dating apps, matched with someone who seemed to be into me, that kind of pushed me to want to look better, dress better, I wanted to impress him you know? I shouldn’t have made all that effort for that person, BUT all the progress I made, feeling better about myself, actually liking me for once, didn’t go away when that ended, which I’m very glad for. Around the same time I had started CrossFit, if nothing else that gave me a boost of confidence for trying things out of my comfort zone. And I haven’t stopped since. All those cute clothes I used to think I couldn’t wear, I have worn, even lingerie, I started liking myself in the body I had.

“…I howl like a wolf at the moon

And I look unstable

Gathered with a coven around a sorcerer’s table”

Simultaneously, I stopped thinking men couldn’t like me. I found that there is actually a bunch that do (whether they’re good for me or not, is a whole other story lol). Unfortunately, every time one didn’t work, I’d find myself reverting to unhealed me and wondered if I had really healed. Because I’d find myself wondering what was wrong with me. I didn’t, and sometimes still don’t, understand why they didn’t work or why I keep crossing paths with the wrong people. In retrospect, I know that before I couldn’t really attract people, not because I wasn’t attractive but because putting myself down isn’t really attractive, I’d tell guys I liked them by saying some variation of “I know you don’t like me, but I do” and remembering that makes me ugh. But now, I was in such a good place, I made so many changes to myself and felt very good about me, how I looked, how I was portraying myself, I was emanating confidence. People took notice, yes, but still I’d get “you’re too good for me/you deserve someone better”, there still wasn’t anyone that liked me, that would fight to keep me in their life, so I wondered if all that work was worth it. I didn’t do the work for anyone other than myself but fuck, I still wanted people to notice. I still wanted to hear someone cared about me, I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by someone.

“I’m so afraid I sealed my fate

No sign of soulmates

I’m just a paperweight

In shades of greige

Spending my last coin so someone will tell me

It’ll be okay”

As a child when I played with my Barbies, they’d get married at around 22 so they could have at least two babies before they were 25. That was learned, a product of my environment. As a teen I grew up disliking the gender roles my mother clung badly (and the ones she taught us). What I never accounted for was that my Barbies didn’t have careers, they just had their houses and cars just because. At 22 I was in my fourth year of my undergraduate degree (finished at 23), then at 25 I was working on my doctorate degree, which I finished at 28. Two degrees under 30. A Latina woman, in STEM, first woman in her family to finish a doctorate degree, second member overall. Who is working in her field. A woman that is many things, kind, thoughtful, wears her heart on her sleeve, gives a lot of herself and will go to the ends of the heart for those she cares about. Yet, she still feels inadequate. I figured once I finished grad school all the chips would fall where they needed, and they haven’t. I am still working through the fact that changing opinions is more than saying you don’t believe something anymore, you have to go in and put in the work, if you don’t all those things you used to believe will come back and bite you in the ass. That Barbie story, even though I don’t believe that I should have (or even could have) had a child at 22, I feel I’m behind, I am finding I haven’t actively changed that thought. I am a fucking doctor who feels hasn’t accomplished anything, make it make fucking sense. That just goes to show what the emphasis on success I was taught by my parents and society, ironically for a long time my mother was a single hardworking woman. I have to redefine my expectations on life, which I hadn’t reevaluated (I hadn’t realized), I don’t have a Time Machine.

I’m starting to make my peace with the fact that it might never work for me. That I have to be perfectly content being the single aunt, that has pets, and travels the world. But I do want the black picket fence, the kids, that suburban life. Will I get that? I don’t know. I do know that I can’t put my life on hold waiting for that, I have to live my life to the fullest, I have to make myself happy in whatever situation I am. Otherwise a lifetime will have passed me by and I would have only been miserable.


Some days I wake up with hope. Not because things are looking bright —they’re still looking bleak but I get glimmers of hope. I deserve good things, I deserve to be loved, cared for, looked after, I deserve to be first choice, and hopefully affirming those to myself will manifest them to life.

As Always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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Spain: Motherland Part III

OKAYYYY, this is the last one on Spain, but I promise it’ll be worth it to read and there is a surprise at the end… well as much as a surprise can be for a blog.

I kept the last day in Spain low-key, and also, I was still not well rested, was still in shock with the whole phone stealing thing. My last big stop in Barcelona was Sagrada Familia, if you’re unfamiliar with it, construction began in 1882, and as of 2024 it is still unfinished, an estimated finish time is set for 2034, so it’s been in construction for 142 years, and if it is completed by that time, that means 150 years in construction. That was one of the places on my bucket list, and pictures do not do it justice, but I’ll try. So let’s start with the outside. As you can see, the towers are unfinished, there are cranes, and nets around them. As you can see, there is a lot of detail on the outside, that was part of Gaudi’s (the architect) plan, at the time of his death, the Basilica was less than a fourth of the way completed. It is very busy on the outside, but they tell a story, and there are three façades, one facing east, west and south, there is a Nativity, Passion and Glory Façade, respectively.

When you walk in you’re met with this view, it is breathtaking. Like I said, this stupid camera, shitty resolution but also –you had to be there…

I think I got a better shot of the ceiling. As you can see, the columns resemble tree branches, and as opposed to the busy outside, the inside is relatively un-busy.

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Spain: Motherland Part II

Next stop in my Toledo tour was The Primate Cathedral of Saint Mary of Toledo. Like I’ve said before, I love going to Cathedrals, I love vaulted ceilings, which places like this have enough of, they also have stained glass. And pipe organs. But look at all that art, all the details (in gold and marble looks like).

That night was my birthday eve and I went to a bar crawl, I was having a lot of fun, visited several bars, it was about 2AM, I had enough, and decided to go home. I get an Uber, and as I’m waiting for it, I stop at a nearby food place, and in a crowded street, a guy starts harassing me, I tell him no, move away from him, but he walks into me, I push him away, I thought that was the end of it, when I realize I don’t have my phone, I had just used it to pay for the food, so I go back to the food place to check I didn’t leave it, it’s not there, then I realize I had to have put it on my coat pocket and the guy stole it. I tried to see if I saw him and he was gone. I started freaking out, wasn’t sure how I’d go back to the Airbnb, because, my cards were also attached to my phone. A guy on the street told me to calm down but I couldn’t, I was in a foreign city, far from my airbnb, with no knowledge on how I’d get back. So I did the only thing I could think of, which was go back to the bar and try to find the group I was with so I could try to get in touch with my dad, so he could block my phone. The bar crawl guide wasn’t super helpful apart from letting me borrow his phone to talk to my dad (didn’t help me getting back to my airbnb) but three people I met two hours before offered help, one guy even told me to log into my apple account from his phone so we could track mine, and he’d go to get my phone, but in the stress of it I couldn’t remember my password. The girl helped me breathe, told me that everyone’s gone through that, to which I responded I hadn’t, so she said “well, now you have”, which wasn’t funny then, but it is now. After using her phone to get in touch with my dad, he blocked my phone, and deletes everything from it. I always use my GPS to get around a foreign city, I don’t usually remember the address of where I am staying, for some reason, I remembered the address of this Airbnb, I don’t know how, but the why was so I could get back. The third guy got cash and paid for a cab for me to get back. I get back to my Airbnb, and from my watch I text a friend of mine that has an iPhone, he helps me with communication between me and my dad, since my dad doesn’t have an iPhone I can’t call him through the watch. At the Airbnb, and as I’m talking to my friend about what happened, I started having an anxiety attack. I didn’t even eat my food until it was cold. By then I had lost all appetite. I was going to attempt to get my iPhone replaced in Madrid, that morning I was meant to check out, so my friend sends me the address of the closest Apple Store, I walk there that morning with all my shit. I am on high alert and on edge, so much that I snapped at a lady on the street trying to sell me flowers, she got too close and it triggered me. I got to the Apple Store but unfortunately I couldn’t change my phone there as it was from another country (Apple might have changed that policy now), so I went to a phone store nearby and got a new phone, oh, remember I said he stole my cards too? Thankfully I had ONE on me, I never use debit cards on international trips so he just stole my credit cards, which was unfortunate, but I had a debit card, which I used for the remainder of this trip. The fucking phone cost me more than an iPhone replacement and it is the single most shitty phone ever. It was literally easier to open instagram, take a picture, download it than opening the phone app. I swear. Also the quality of pictures was shitty so bear with me the rest of the trip’s pics.

My last stop in Madrid was my dear Santiago Bernabeu, the home of Real Madrid. It was under construction, but it was still pretty majestic.

I got to see the stadium where a lot of my favorite stars had played at, where football history has been made. Unfortunately for me, they we playing away games when I was in Madrid, so I couldn’t see them, I think they had played as locals the week before and they’d be playing there the following week, so in short, bad timing.

That afternoon I took a train to Barcelona, another fast train, a 385 mile trip, roughly 6hrs driving took around 3hrs aboard the train, and it’s weird? It’s going really fast but you barely notice it, even as they travel around 186mph. I don’t have pictures of the interim because all the down time I had waiting at the train station, and on the train I spent setting the fucking phone, and calling credit card companies to cancel my cards, calling Apple to report the phone as stolen, which fun fact, when you’re calling from a Spanish number, it redirects you to a the Spanish brand EVEN if you’re calling the US number, so I had to get them to redirect me several times. All that process was SUPER fun. I think I slept some on the train but not much and even if I had slept the whole way it wasn’t a long trip. Anyway, I get to my Barcelona Airbnb, late, around 9 or 10pm, I think, tired as fuck. I shower and fall asleep as soon as I can, I was supposed to go to a bar crawl in Barcelona that night (birthday night), however I skipped it because, well, hadn’t slept for over 24hrs. And because I’m a masochist bitch, I had scheduled a tour of the Camp Nou the following morning at like 10AM, so I didn’t have lots of time to sleep if I went out.

For my football fans, specially those familiar with Real Madrid’s and Barcelona’s rivalry, I know, okay, I know, however, I was in Barcelona, there was no way I’d miss the stadium, and unlike Santiago Bernabeu they weren’t under construction and had a very thorough museum. If I took a photo of the stadium it’s lost in the shitty android Spanish phone (very sad). They had replicas of Messi’s Ballon D’or, several of them in fact, and I think he donated one of them so it was the real thing. If you keep scrolling, you can see the stadium, in several views, the entrance the players use to enter the field, and there’s a chapel in that tunnel as well.

I stopped at the Barça café and had a little coffee, which, cute.

So okay, this is the key of the Airbnb I stayed at, I had to be taught how to use it because I could lock anyone inside if I locked it a certain way, so essentially when I walked out, I’d just close the door and it was locked.

I asked the Airbnb person for a spot to watch the game Barça was playing that day –I had figured if I couldn’t watch Real Madrid, at least I could see FCB in person, but because I have shit luck, they were also playing an away game… so I figured the next best thing was to go watch them play at a bar, with locals, and indeed was the best thing. I got a mojito, mozzarella sticks, but that wasn’t even the best thing. You know how as an English speaker, the English or Australian accent is hot? Well Spanish accent is that for my ears, you see the girl in front of me, the guy she was with did the most Spanish thing ever and said something along the lines “joder tío” (roughly translated to “fuck dude”), when a player missed a goal, I swear I almost squealed. Barcelona lost that game against Almeria, 1-0, so the fans were not happy. It was unfortunate but regardless the atmosphere was on-point.

Part II consisted of days three and four, so I will finish this trip on a third blog as to not make it overly long and bore you to death. But for your information, the last leg of the trip was excellent it’s soooooo worth it to stay tuned.

As Always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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Spain: Motherland Part I

One of my bucket list countries was Spain, the possibility presented itself for my 29th birthday in 2023. I wanted to see as much as possible, so I planned for an arrival in Madrid, I’d go around for 3-4 days, make a day trip to Toledo and I’d take a train to Barcelona, and fly back from there.

My trip started on February 22, 2023, I wanted to be IN Spain during my birthday and not traveling so I left a few days early. One thing I do to avoid jet lag, specially when crossing the pond, is to take a late flight, arrive to my destination in the morning, and just survive through the day and sleep at the appropriate destination time. This particular flight departed at 6:30pm from Pittsburgh international airport, had a stop in Philadelphia and then on to Madrid. One thing to note about me is I HATE flying. I know, I know, for someone that hates flying I fly a lot. I like getting to a destination, but not the how. I get air sick, I get dizzy, it’s very very uncomfortable, my body very much hates flying. It’s not even that I’m big for the seats —I have actually lost enough fat that I fit pretty comfortably in the seat, it’s that I’m fucking tall, doesn’t matter what, my knees are almost always hitting the front seat. And I’m too cheap to pay for an upgraded seat. So I just take it. I’m a masochist, I know.

It was like a six hour flight from Philadelphia, it was 8pm by the time we flew out, so I got my plane snacks and slept. I don’t sleep very well on flights (read everything in the previous paragraph as to why haha), but I’m also a nervous flyer, and that reflects on food with me, so I’ll always eat so. Fucking. Much. I’d just be hungry the entire time. It’s fucking insane. Anyway, I arrived at 9am in Madrid.

First thing I did was find food. I arrived at this little cafe close to where my Airbnb was, ordered a tomato toast (bear with me). It’s puréed tomato, you spread it on the bread and pour in some olive oil and put a dash of salt. I was skeptical, but omg. To this day I make my version of this and fucking hell, it’s great.

But I couldn’t have my toast with a little cafecito, could I?

I finally got my hotel at around 12pm, I recouped, and went out, I had a quick lunch because that toast was not enough food. This Reuben was sooo good, I mean honestly, I didn’t eat anything that wasn’t good.

After lunch, the next stop was the Royal Palace of Madrid, it was open in 1751, so it has been open for 273 years at this point, it is the official residence of the Spanish Royal Family, but they just use it for state ceremonies now.

There was so much art inside, it is a huge a building and I am a sucker for old buildings. I don’t have a lot of pictures, I’m pretty sure we weren’t able to take pictures at some spots.

But let me tell you that the view from the Palace… was mesmerizing, it was also super breezy. And there’s me, living my best life, looking pretty good and on no sleep.

Next to the Palace, there is the Almudena Cathedral and the Plaza de Armería which is a very nice walkable area between the Palace and Cathedral. I don’t really practice religion but I love cathedrals, so I visit them everywhere I go.

I couldn’t leave Madrid without seeing the place where my dear football team celebrates, the lady Cybele, the Cibeles Fountain and Palace.

My next stop was the Prado Museum and I did not take any pictures except this fit check (RIP to the phone… more on that later).

More food because Spain you know?! I love croquettes and I don’t eat them nearly enough, like very time I have a layover in Miami airport I am VERY excited because there is a Cuban restaurant there and their ham croquettes are excellent. These Spanish ones were very good as well.

Talking about Cuba… it reads “Motherland and life, down with dictatorship” and it’s a beautiful country I’d like to visit one day. Spain colonized a lot of countries in Latin America, Puerto Rico being one of them, they killed and maimed people and civilizations, they enslaved people from African countries, brought them to the west, far from their families and everything they’ve known. I go into some detail about Spain and Puerto Rico (and the subsequent sale to the US), you can read more about it here.

More coffee because, you know.

They make this omelette with potatoes inside let me tell youuuuuu (I showed it twice because it was that good). Okay more food because food is life. Iberian Ham, bread, crushed tomatoes and churros. I fucking love churros.

Okay, enough about food (for now), my next stop was Toledo, to get to there, a train is your best bet, these are high speed trains mind you, the trip the drive is about an hour, in train that is around 36 minutes.

The trip there was uneventful, but once I got off the train… I got welcomed by a very beautiful station. I LOVE stained glass, which is a big reason of why I love going to churches, many of them in Europe have them. Toledo was under islamic rule at one point in time which explains why the station looks the way it does — particularly the inside.

But I hadn’t even gotten to the best part yet… This is close, but it gives you an idea of what Toledo looks like. It is a very old city, about two thousand years of history.

It is a bit of a walk from the station to the entrance of Toledo, but at the end of this bridge you’re met with this beautiful tower. And then when you take a look back, this (right image) the view you get.

This is the side view of the bridge, like I said, stunning every step I took. No regrets in going to Toledo. Except maybe that I should have 1. brought better shoes and 2. That I should have hired a tour guide to get the better views, specifically since this was just a day trip.

More of that islamic influence I mentioned before:

I LOVE walking, I end up getting 20k+ steps when I’m on trips like this. But Toledo, I was NOT prepared for. Not only it was a long walk from the station (~20mins) there was this… it’s a lot steeper than it looks like.

And it didn’t stop once I got to the top…

My first stop in Toledo was Santa Cruz museum, it is an art, archeology museum, and it includes works by El Greco, a famous greek painter of the Spanish Renaissance.

There was so much art here, I’ll compile a few of my favorite ones.

One thing that I love –if you haven’t noticed is architecture. This is the center of the museum, there is this huge sky light, I’m in love with ceilings like this one.

Something that you’ll see often in older Spanish buildings (and there are a few in Puerto Rico as well) is indoor gardens or patios. So the tour of the museum continued.

Next stop was Alcázar of Toledo, a fortification, which is in the highest spot of Toledo, it used to be a Roman palace (it even hosted Hernán Cortés after the Aztecs “conquest” aka genocide). It was very interesting and mind boggling to see all this new architecture carefully placed over the old one, and how it just worked.

More food because all this walking made me hungry asf. Chicken, eggs and French fries, good, whatever salad it was, good, coke (even Coke Zero) tastes better in a glass container, trust me, and I couldn’t leave without dessert, a marzipan cake and more coffee — are you surprised I got even more coffee?

My view from the fort.

I loved walking out and finding this huge Spanish flag. It felt surreal that I was in Spain after wanting to visit for so long.

This was day two (out of six) of my trip to Spain and this is longer than I was expecting but there are still soooo many other places I want to share with you guys that one post won’t be enough. Soooo, stay tuned for parts two (and maybe three?).

As always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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This is me trying

“I’ve been having a hard time adjusting… I have a lot of regrets about that.”

-Taylor Swift

I had never seen a therapist until a good friend of mine passed away back in 2017, and I was in a foreign city, by myself with no support system. Since then I understood the importance of talking things through with someone that can help. I’m a therapist’s dream, I talk so fucking much.

Unfortunately finding a good one is hard, I changed therapists twice because I felt I wasn’t getting anything from it, she just listened and never challenged me or helped me understand things. After searching I found one I loved, only to have her change jobs and unfortunately does not see patients anymore. So the search for a new one was an uphill battle but I made it.

I think it was match made in heaven because for one, she’s named like one character from my favorite show. She listens when she needs to but she also makes me think about things. In the time we’ve known each other I feel she’s gotten a good sense of who I am as a person, like I’ll walk in and she senses my mood is off asks me if need a hug, and she never misses.

“And maybe I don’t quite know what to say

But I’m here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know

This is me trying”

I went to her about this whole ordeal with Jack (if you missed my previous two blog posts go here and here), she said she has never seen me that down (my friend said the same thing), that’s just me overwhelmed by life, this situation with Jack isn’t exactly making things better, on top of that the pottery studio I’ve been throwing clay is closing (I’ll talk about this at a later time), which is a new hobby where I had the space to channel some time and energy into, all of it feels like the end of the world.

I know that’s not necessarily true and it’s just one of those when it rains it pours kind of situations and it’s hard to control the emotions when you feel problems coming back to back with no end in sight. That’s why I have been channeling some of that stress into the gym, working out for longer, my body is exhausted about the extra work but the dopamine really helps ground me.

Until I sat down that day, all my therapist knew was that I had some fun with Jack who I had gone out on a date with months prior, and that that was all it was, fun. I updated her on the realization I had that I wanted more than that because how he made me feel. I showed her conversations between the two of us and she thinks he could be thinking things through, I did spring brand new information on him and maybe he can’t make the switch that quick (plus he started seeing someone, fuck my life) — which is fair. I’m at a point in my life where if you’re not sure of me, I’ll just fuck off, I have no time for someone unsure of me, but for this, for him, I am making an exception. Why? Because I said no first, I was unsure first, I came around and hopefully he will too, but I don’t know that, I am not necessarily waiting as much as I’m letting time pass. If he comes around and the feelings are still there, we pursue things, if they’re not then we don’t or maybe he never comes around. That’s the shitty thing about life, there is a lot of uncertainty.

“And it’s hard to be at a party when

I feel like an open wound

It’s hard to be anywhere these days

when all I want is you”

As I sat down on her couch, I told her I’d be hugging a cushion and holding onto the tissue box, I’ve cried on her couch before, but I think this is the first time I’ve walked in teared up and had a hard time getting coherent words out. She listened, then gave her advice. I blamed myself for the situation I found myself in with Jack, if I had just seen him last year like I am now, maybe we could have had a good relationship, instead I concerned myself with thinking I knew what would happen if we dated. At the time I was heartbroken and I was trying to avoid feeling that way again, so I skipped it altogether. Big mistake, because I was now regretting it.

The thought that keeps playing around in my head is that if that asshole made me lose out on a great person, I’d be so upset, Peter left me very heartbroken, it took months and a lot of situations for me to get over it. I am often told “what’s for you won’t pass you by” and that may be true but it’s never helped the uncertainty or given me comfort. I never thought I’d see Jack that way, not because of who he is, just because of who I was. Who I was changed, so I changed how I saw him. And because life is shitty, the timing’s off.

A big thing that’s fucking me up big time is that Jack is someone I vent to, when something’s shitty, when work stresses me out, when a date goes wrong, and he’ll make a joke to try to make me feel better, or be sweet and tell me it’s going to be okay that one day we’ll find someone who’s crazy about us. You know the shitty thing about liking a friend? You kind of lose them, the relationship changes, he’s there for me but I can’t exactly be a good friend to him can I? Specially when he’s seeing someone. Add to that that he can’t read a room for shit because I was clear on not wanting to know anything about who he’s seeing and after a “how are you?” text, he tells me he’s driving home from a city about an hour from him, and that prompted me to ask “what’s there?”, and he replies with “the girl I’m seeing”. Cue tears and regrets aiming to overwhelm me again.

I did all I could do with Jack, as in, I told him how I felt, I was direct (and naughty) about it, just so he knew I meant business, so he knew that I wasn’t just smitten —because I’m not, so he knew that I was a damn fool for missing him the first time around. I was clear so he knew I wanted him. After that, there’s not much I can do. Ball’s in his court. All I can do is sit back and stress about it, if you know anything about me is I can’t sit back and relax.

Just before I left the session, my therapist gave me homework, she asked me to make a list of five things as to why this situation with Jack is not all my fault. I felt attacked so my response was “me? take the blame for everything? NoOOo.” We laughed, because it’s exactly what I do and what I’m doing right now. She said that relationship (whether, that’s friends, between a therapist and a patient, romantic, etc.) stuff doesn’t all fall on one person, it falls on both. So I had to sit down to ponder, why isn’t it all my fault? It certainly feels like it, we went out, had a great time, and I didn’t give it time, we didn’t see each other in person again for me to know if we should or should not pursue things, I just made a decision based on little information.

But the question remained in my head. The first thing I thought of was that I didn’t know and to be honest, still don’t know, if he was/is into me. Having fun together means nothing in this regard, many women (and men) make that mistake, something can just be physical and not mean anything more than that. If I’m being quite honest it didn’t mean much to me either, it was just a good time, it just happened that it took that for me to realize I wanted more but it wasn’t due to one good time. I remember his sweet text after I told him I didn’t/couldn’t pursue things further and thinking maybe I made a mistake. He flirted more with me after we called it off than during. In his words “If I’m being quiet and awkward I’m actually trying to figure out how to flirt” —which was all of our date if I’m being honest (remember this is the guy that shook my hand after our date). I want to think that if I knew he was into me, I would have thought twice before calling it off. I wouldn’t think I’m one to reject someone I think is cute even if I wasn’t feeling yet at the time. I also have to think about how our first date went, it was something like me asking if he was ever going to ask me out and within the hour we were out at a bar, but after that he didn’t ask me out, so I didn’t think the interest was there. Could I be wrong? Yes. Could I have asked him? Yes. So how is it really not my fault? I don’t know.

This is what my list looks like:

  1. I didn’t know if he was interested in me
  2. He didn’t initiate dates
  3. I don’t know
  4. I really think it’s my fault
  5. I don’t know if my therapist is right on this one

I don’t think I know more than she does but it’s hard to see it any other way. But I’m also in the midst of it so I understand not seeing it from someone else’s point of view.

Regret is a very painful thing, on the one hand, Jack deserves someone who cares for him and if the person he’s seeing is that person, then I’ll be happy for him, and my feelings will go away, but on the other hand, I’m mad/sad/jealous that that person is not me. How can I tell him that I’m happy for him with a straight face when I don’t mean it? I do but I don’t.

Can I just wish upon a start? Or make my 11:11 wish that he sees me like I see him?

Will it work? Probably not.

As always,

With love,

Carolyn

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The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived and Back to November Part II

“So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you, saying I’m sorry for that night and I go back to December all the time.”

-Taylor Swift

Summary from Part I: dated an asshole, Peter, and met Jack, a very sweet guy who I only wanted as friend a the time for superficial reasons on my end. We talked about having sex and I ended up at his place.

Jack and I discussed beforehand of what was/wasn’t allowed. We talked why we wanted to go through with it with the other, my answer was simple, I trust you, and we can have some fun, his was “I like to help my friends” (asshole lmao). I got to his place, brought snacks, got acquainted with each other again, it had been about seven months since we had seen each other in person.

We bantered while hanging out on the couch, I played with his dog who likes to fetch, and LOVES butt scratches. His cat made an occasional appearance. His place was clean and organized which is a green flag for me, and even has flowers on his counter top, I gave him shit about it but I secretly liked it.

Every step of the way, he respected my yes and my no, it felt good, I felt calm, comfortable, I wasn’t anxious, or stressed. We laughed so much through it, I’d say it felt like it wasn’t the first time. All of that, the respect, kindness, gentleness, making me feel comfortable, was new. Something underrated that I wasn’t expecting to like or enjoy that much? Jack moved me like I weighted nothing, I fucking swear I felt like a feather, holy shit. Last guy I went out with (Peter) I was full of anxiety, I never felt calm, I thought the anxiety was my brain thinking I wasn’t good enough for him, and it was me fighting against those feelings. In hindsight I learned that my anxiety was my nervous system telling me he wasn’t my person or good enough for me.

“So if the chain is on your door, I understand.”

Sharing this experience with a friend of mine, she asked “why don’t you date Jack? If he has all the qualities you’re looking in someone?” I regurgitated the original reasoning I had made seven months prior, I hadn’t updated that thought of why not, we wouldn’t work out, period. He and I had had the conversation before. But this time, it was different, the question reverberated inside my brain. “Why don’t I date him?” I pondered on it, thought of his kindness the months following our date, through my failed dates, the death of my childhood dog, or any time I felt crappy, he’d send me funny snaps, in hopes of cheering me up. And it worked. He makes me laugh, makes me roll my eyes when he keeps teasing, he annoys the heck out of me on a daily basis. But he also grounds me, makes me feel calm, respected, protected, and safe.

When I went out with him for the first time, I had been dumped a month prior by someone who I felt all the fireworks for. I didn’t with Jack, I thought that was a bad thing, but now I know that’s what I’m craving, peace and calmness. I don’t need the fireworks, all that’s ever done for me is put my nervous system on high alert. I’ve had enough of that, and what I need now is calm and security.

The day after we hung out, he told me his ex reached out, saying she missed him. So we paused our adventure. I wasn’t thrilled. As a matter of fact I was upset about her terrible timing, plus she broke up with him in the shittiest way ever and now she misses him? Pleaseeee. As neutral as I could be, knowing it benefited me but wanting to be careful, I told him he shouldn’t. He deserves someone who sees him and respects him and she’s not it. He knew but he was still on the fence.

We made plans to see each other on a Friday night, for movie and food at his place. Only once I got there, it ended up being me watching the movie alone because he fell asleep, and slept on me for part of it. Apparently, sleeping between my legs and using my thigh as a cushion is very comfortable. I stroked his hair and none of this felt weird, uncomfortable, I swear it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Hours later he apologized for falling asleep, and I left so he could actually sleep and not wake up every thirty minutes.

And I pondered. And pondered. Fuck, how did I miss it? How the fuck did I miss it? I missed it because he doesn’t fit the box of what my person looks like, I missed it because I was hung up on someone else, I missed it because I wasn’t expecting to feel a certain way about him. I missed it because I didn’t feel the fireworks with him, which is what I thought I should feel for someone I wanted to date. And it snuck up on me, I want to date him, I want him for myself, I want his strong arms around me, I want to him to throw me around as if I was as light as a feather, maybe we don’t work out or maybe we do, but I won’t know until I go through with it.

“Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

But if we loved again,

I swear I’d love you right”

Since his ex coming back was recent I decided to wait. It really wouldn’t work if he was hung up on someone. One day I ask him if he told her to kick rocks, he tells me they’re done, subsequently by telling me he’s met someone that seems into him. And my world shattered. Fuck. And I didn’t want to let the opportunity pass me again so I told him how I felt. He questioned it. Which is fair. I told him we were better off as friends several times in the past, that we wouldn’t work. I wasn’t expecting him to drop everything for me, but I thought he’d consider it. In the nicest way ever his response was a “not now”. Which of course means I have to get over it and move on because I can’t wait on a maybe and I told him as much.

I have no idea what he feels about my sudden confession, does he hate me? Is he glad? Does he want me to go back to no feelings? I don’t know, he chose to keep his cards close to his chest on this one. Maybe he’s really feeling this new person and is trying to protect me? I do not know. All I know is that it is not happening right this second, I just hope the universe doesn’t put us in a situation where he’s there and I’m not and we keep missing each other.

I don’t usually regret but I fear this time the regret will eat me alive. I had the opportunity to coincide with a great person and I let him go. I had to find a venue in which to channel all the energy I suddenly had and had nowhere to put, so I chose the gym, I’m already a gym rat but I’m doing extra credit, I found out that dopamine really helps with stress. For the foreseeable future that extra credit is what will help me keep my sanity, either until my feelings go away or he changes his mind, something will give, I do not know which one though.

And if you’re reading this, thank you, you’ve been a constant for me these past few months, you make me laugh when I feel bad, you send me silly little videos, or cute doggy and kitty videos, or maybe you’re just your annoying self which makes me roll my eyes or those flirty videos that make me want to drop everything and step into your doorstep. I feel that regardless of what happens, we’ll be standing at the end of the tunnel, laughing at something silly you said.

If nothing else, this was a lesson, to not judge a book by its cover, your person doesn’t necessarily look like you think they will and you should be open to what life brings your way. But also that you won’t necessarily feel the butterflies and that is okay, butterflies doesn’t mean good or lack of them means bad. Calm is good.

That’s the story on how I went from wanting the smallest man who ever lived to wanting to go back to November to make it all right.

As always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived and Back to November Part I

“Who the fuck was that guy?” -Taylor Swift

I tend to pride myself on not having regrets. The usual way I approach things is that I did the best I could with the information I had and there’s no need to regret things. Because of that I’m the type of person that decides to go for it, just so she doesn’t regret it later. I’m a firm believer in “you regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did”.

I think it’s worked out for me so far… until now anyway.

Last year I started seeing someone (Electric Touch dude, let’s call him Peter), I felt he was way out of my league, cute, tall, and green eyes. He seemed into me, stole kisses and touches here and there. I thought it was the start of a beautiful relationship. Newsflash, it wasn’t. In the words of Queen Swift: “I don’t even want you back I just want to know, if rusting sparkling summer was the goal”. It was arguably one of the hardest thing I’ve had to get over. This time I hadn’t imagined a whole relationship with someone based on nothing, I hadn’t thought they liked me, this time he said he did, he said he’d catch me, and when push came to shove, he didn’t. I was “too much”, where have I heard that before? Hmm.

There’s a saying we use in Puerto Rico “un clavo no saca otro clavo” which says that a nail cannot drive out another nail —what it refers to is that you can’t heal from a broken heart by going out with someone else. But that’s (kind of) what I did —or tried to.

I hyperfixate, and being hurt I wasn’t able to think about anything else and wanted something else to occupy my mind. I thought if I got myself out there it would help. I was —and am, on a quest to date outside of the imaginary box I built of how my person is supposed to look like, which is typically tall, lean, and light-skinned (I know okay? That’s been a running joke with my friends that I like generic white boys and I even get “these white men are dangerous” memes from them 😂). Most of everyone that I’ve gone out on dates with fits this description.

One day I am scrolling through dating apps and I come across this profile, let’s call him Jack, and I think that he’s cute, has a cute dog, likes cats —I liked all of those, it’s particularly hard to find a man that likes both cats and dogs. Has tattoos, and lifts. It was hard to tell from the pictures but he seemed to be a big guy which is not something I usually go for but I wanted to give it a shot. We went out one night, played pool, he gave me shit about something, and we spend a lot of time laughing. He came to the date with joggers, a green hoodie, and sandals with socks, while I wore an extra high waisted jean, and a felt/see through bodysuit, with makeup and earrings. I’m pretty sure he beat me in pool. We walked out of the bar to my car, I think I was giving him shit about his height, about being shorter than me, and to prove he wasn’t, he placed his phone against something, put a timer and stood behind me for a picture (does he still have that picture? I don’t know). I thought he was going to kiss me at the end of the date, I was nervous, but he shook my hand and hugged me. SHOOK MY HAND. I still give him shit about that.

The date was fun one, we seemed to kind of click. But once I got home, I bursted into tears. I clearly was not over Peter, and I knew that, I just didn’t realize it was going to hit me that bad. As I kept talking about Jack to my friend, she thought he and I wouldn’t work, I made sure to pay attention, particularly because of how on-point she was about Peter, ultimately about two weeks later I realized she was right. On top of that, Jack wanted to date and I didn’t feel ready for that. So, I let him know I had a good time but I didn’t think we should pursue things further.

Jack is such a sweet and kind person that all he told me was that it was okay and we should be friends. He said (and I quote): “you’re a very intelligent and strong willed woman and I’d love to keep talking to you”. And that’s what we did. I went onto date other people as he did.

We’d talk about people we were dating. Giving each other advice. One thing we always did was flirt. Exclusively when we weren’t in relationships, and if they crapped out, we’d resume, but we were always respectful to the partners. It was just playful banter. I didn’t seen him since we went on that date, but we kept in touch, we’d Snapchat, and even video chatted once. We had been playing around with the idea of having sex, we were both single, and trusted each other so why not? This time it turned into a serious conversation and I ended up at his place.

This is story is not over — it’s just paused, I didn’t want to lose you over a long ass blog post, so stay tuned for Part II.

As always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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I’m the problem, it’s me.

I’m the problem, it’s me.

When you don’t look like society’s standard of beauty you grow up being ridiculed because you’re “too fat” or whatever attribute they deemed ugly, it would get pointed out. At one point in my life I weighed 150lbs, and I remember feeling too fat, too ugly, too little. Mom and sister both were skinny, I was the only fat one. Dad was fat as were a lot of the men in my life, but for some reason they’re not held to the same standards. I felt inadequate. They couldn’t relate. It didn’t help that everyone around me would make the same idiotic comments: “Carolyn, you’re fat, that’s not healthy for you. Maybe you should lose it.” Well gee Aunt Tina, I did not know that fact, thanks for letting me know! My parents were no better, and I get that the comments from certain people were coming from a place of love, and care. But at the same time, when they’re 1. Unsolicited and 2. Given without any solution, the comments are useless. I own a mirror, I know I’m fat and I know it’s not healthy. None offered to join me in a gym, none cooked healthier foods for me (when I was a minor and not in charge of my own meals of course). I always figured there’d be a time where I’d go to the gym and I’d lose the weight. Only problem is that I always postponed that. For whatever reason, I’d always find an excuse. Not one of my greatest moments. Looking back when I was “fat”, I was quite literally a few pounds away from a healthy weight. I’ve been suggested Herbalife, I’ve been criticized for how much butter I put on a toast… think of criticism, I’ve probably gotten it.

I’m the problem, it’s me

Taylor Swift

Since I have memory I have always wanted to be skinny. Even when I was 150lbs. Whenever I look, at the rare pictures that exist, I could have lost a few pounds, was I as fat as I thought? No, absolutely not. I have always felt I needed to lose the weight to feel good with myself. Until I lost it I wouldn’t feel good. I didn’t like feeling inadequate, ugly, fat, or that I was taking up too much space. At several points in my life I have joined gyms. I would go, highly pumped… for a whole month, and because I wouldn’t see results in that short time, I would get discouraged and I stopped going. I was expecting results in a month for something that had been years in the making. None of the people that would critique me ever joined me. All encouraged me from afar, no one put their money where their mouth was. I’m not proud of the times I quit, but it is what it is.

I’m not proud I quit, but it is what it is.

Circa 2008. What the fuck am I wearing? 😭 I was living in a tropical island, it was hot. Why am I wearing and ugly ass shirt and an ugly ass jacket? Don’t get me started on those baggy jeans… Oh and you can’t see the hair, but that’s another hot mess.

I always had this idea that fat = ugly and I felt bad about myself, I just wanted to hide. I hated cameras! There’s evidence of those times, but not a lot (hence the really bad cropped pictures I am showing here), I really lost a lot of memories because I didn’t like capturing my fatness, I didn’t want to be reminded at the time. That’s how bad I felt about myself. And it’s sad, no one should be made to feel like that. I look at pictures of my friends in high school and I’m not in a lot of them, I would take them but I’d never be in them. And the ones that do exist I look fucking terrible. For fuck’s sake, I would dress so bad. But that only speaks to the level of confidence I had at the time, which was essentially none. Oh and on top of it I’m tall for a woman, so not only was I fat, I was very tall, everything about me was very difficult to hide. It pains me to look back at those pictures, not because I was fat, but because I see that insecure little girl that never felt pretty enough because she was fat. I also missed out on so many things. I didn’t do a lot of things, I didn’t take enough pictures, I would wear the most hideous things ever, again, it’s very sad I lost so much because of that.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I’m a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out
Slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Taylor Swift
Circa 2010. This wasn’t any better. Two shirts, a longer one hiding my arms, and then one on top? Why did I think this was okay?! Here the hair is more noticeable…

My confidence had always been close to zero, fat people can’t be pretty can they? So why would I feel any confidence? There’s not much representation of fat people in the media, no one looked like me. Insecurities built up, for me this translated into baggy clothes, long sleeves, layers of clothes all in order to hide the fat. Of course, I was not hiding anything, I was just looking fucking terrible in the process. I mean, that’s all looking at it retroactively, I am pretty sure at the time I thought I looked great. Well, never hot, I had never found myself looking hot, there are always Jennifer Annistons walking around, I could never measure… Even though I loved it, part of the reason I cut off my hair into a pixie cut (inspired from Ginnifer Goodwin), was because I would not know how to handle my long hair. I never felt I could do or wear “girly” stuff because I was fat, you’ll see that I looked like a tomboy for a hot second there, that’s all I felt comfortable in.

Circa 2017. I doubt I ever wore this dress outside without a jacket or a cardigan. I hated those arms.

There’s not a lot of fat people portrayed in the media, though we are seeing more each day, but not when I was a kid. Those that were, were just made fun of. Being fat is funny (sarcasm). The fat character was always the comic relief. They were never the love interest, they were the funny-reliable-relatable best friend. I never felt identified with any character on TV, the were not a lot of fat people, much less fat women. There’s this moment that replays in my mind every once in a while, I was in elementary school and girls are forced to wear skirts (even though pants cover up much better), very little schools allowed us to use pants, but even then, sometimes we couldn’t afford both the skirt and pants, so skirt it was… anyway, there was this kid I had a crush with, and I guess he knew, not sure, so I’m walking upstairs and if you were standing below them, you could see up all of our skirts, he’s standing below and looked up and said “eww”. It’s almost 20 years later and I still remember, that clearly scarred me. Outside of school I’d never wear a skirt, if I did certainly not one short enough that you could see my thighs (there were some rare occasions but just know I was very uncomfortable). I would never wear sleeveless shirts, or dresses, my bathing suits consisted of shorts and a shirt, I encountered many instances of going to a pool and having anxiety because it stated that bathing suits were required. I would always be wondering if I’d be allowed in or if in this instance I’d be kicked out. Wearing shirts with sleeves allowed me to hide my chubby arms, but who was I really fooling? You can still see it, you just can’t see the skin, my mind lied to me that this was better. First time I wore a sleeveless dress, that was just right above my knee was 2017/2018. I was 24 years old, this means I had basically spent most —if not all— of those 24 years, hiding my body. It also didn’t help that I was raised in a pretty strict-Christian household, it was nowhere near as strict as what my parents encountered when they were growing up, but strict. In the church, there seems to be this idea that to appear Christian, you have to look bland, I’d call it ugly, but I don’t know what they would call it. If I had a penny for the amount of people I saw looking the ugliest a person can look… I’d be rich. And this is not talking at all about their physical appearance, this is talking about their dress choices. I get that there’s modesty involved with being Christian but you can be modest and still look good, something the people I encountered growing up did not know, or chose to ignore, I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that I inherited insecurities from the adults around me, not necessarily on purpose but it’s what happens with people, we project our insecurities onto others. “Cross your legs, ladies do not sit like that” or “lower your skirt! There’s people around!” or my very favorite, the chaos whenever your bra strap slipped over, as if people didn’t know women wore bras…. And don’t get me wrong, we don’t want people looking up our clothes and we want to be modest but at the same time there shouldn’t be the taboo there is.

Circa 2018, Blue Lagoon. This is the only image I have of me ever wearing a bathing suit without any shorts. I did not want that documented.

Summer of 2018 I took an impromptu trip to Iceland, when I went to the Blue Lagoon I had a one piece bathing suit, one of the first times I had ever worn one. With a short pant of course, you can’t be showing thighs, fat thighs are ugly and no one wants to see that… my friend and I had to use bathrooms far from each other and she had my shorts in her bag, I can’t recall why. So when I’m putting my bathing suit on, I found I didn’t have the shorts with me, so I had to put my metaphorical big girl pants on and walk out wearing only the one piece bathing suit. By the time I found my friend, I had lost the shame and I decided to just not wear the shorts. I was still nervous when I went in and out of the water, but I did it. That was the first time I’ve ever worn a bathing suit without any cover up. It wouldn’t repeat itself until this year, but instead of a one piece, I wore a two piece, high waist bottoms, sure, but still. After a lifetime of feeling ashamed, in 2022, I finally felt comfortable in my own body. But I’ll get to that later. The summer of 2018 was important in my growth, it was the first time I had worn a sleeveless dress and a one-piece bathing suit without shorts. I would go to wear more dresses, makeup, especially a matte-red that everyone compliments on me. It also didn’t help that the world closed in 2020, I gained weight, lost the weight. I don’t like to think I’m the person that looks from validation from other people, but I am, though now that I know, I’m aiming to validate myself. I don’t need someone to find me pretty to feel pretty. That summer was also the first time that I liked someone and I wasn’t concerned about whether or not they wouldn’t like me because of my body. I was slowly shedding the insecurities.

2022, Puerto Rico. This woman is living her best life. You see that smile? I was also in Puerto Rico, my homeland, that I hadn’t seen in over two years. Wearing this two-piece bathing suit, short-less and very happy.

I was slowly shedding the insecurities.

Summer of 2022, I matched with a guy on a dating app, I wasn’t sure about him, too young, his profile pictures were terrible, but I decided to give it a shot. He was very attracted to me, and at any given point he’d let me know. This made me want to look pretty for him, I’d go on to dress up so he’d see how pretty I was. In doing so I started feeling myself. I started wearing things I would have never worn, I bought lingerie, leather skirts, bodysuits, I realized I had nice clothes, but there were even nicer things I could get. In my mind there was a line on what stuff fat people could and couldn’t use. Turns out it was a fucking lie. I found out I look smoking hot wearing a leather skirt, that it accentuated my fat? Yes, did I still wear it? Also yes. All of this was in part for him, that’s how it started but then somewhere along the way, it started being for myself and if he liked it was a huge plus. It felt very nice to be wanted. It took me a while to understand that it needed to be for me, rather than him, because it got to a point that I was looking for validation from him. He needed to tell me I looked hot, to feel hot. This was also the first time I looked at myself and thought I was hot, it was no longer a label exclusive for the Jennifer Anistons of the world. At the moment he withdrew his validation, I wavered, man did I waver… But then I found myself, I realized it had never been for him, it had been for me. His loss really. He met this very insecure woman and unknowingly allowed her to find herself and when he left, she was not the same person, again, his loss, who doesn’t want a woman that feels confidence in herself, her body whichever way it looks at any given point? I still want and like to be told I look good, who doesn’t? But I also don’t need it to feel myself or to wear something I like. I sent my aunt a picture and she replied with: “confidence looks good on you.” And that’s something I had never felt. I walked out in public wearing a leather bra, skirt, and a sheer top. I WOULD HAVE NEVER. But did I? You bet I did.

Carolyn, 2022, Toronto, Ontario. I am officially calling this the “Carolyn leather era” (sounds naughty in Spanish lol). See the difference? I am fucking feeling myself. I still feel a little conscious but fuck it.

Confidence looks good on you.

My aunt

Am I the problem? Abso-fucking-lutely not. The problem is society fucking up with anyone that’s not a size zero. This is not in any way of form criticism to size zeros, it’s to the people that tiered who deserves to be respected and who doesn’t. I deserve to feel happy wearing whatever I want to wear. I realized I gave people too much power, I get to decide how I feel about myself and no one gets to dictate what is good or bad for me. No one is walking in my shoes, I am, no one knows what I go through, what goes through my mind or what I am working towards.

2022. As I post this, I feel a little conscious about how you can see how my fat looks through this skirt, something I’ve spent years hiding. But I am deciding to concentrate on how fucking hot I look.

My goal with this post is to, hopefully, inspire you, if you’re anything like me, my best advice is to fuck all the people that have made you feel inadequate, wear whatever the fuck you want, if you love it, wear it. Wear it confidently, or fake it until you make it. Do all the things you want to do, don’t follow in my footsteps and don’t miss out on things, your family, friends and people that love you, will thank you. You will regret all those instances where you missed out. I know I do. But no more.

As always,

With love,

Carolyn

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Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging

Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging

So, I took a personality test. I wanted to know what it had to say about me, if it could explain why I am the way that I am. And in this post I will try to dissect the answer it gave me and make sense of it. So, after answering that long personality quiz, the first thing that I saw was: “Defender personality, ISFJ“, which stands for Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging. I wasn’t sure what all of this meant so I googled, for introversion I found meant: “…tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations“. Sensing: “…tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities“. Feeling: “…tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.” Judging: “…tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.”

While the test is not 100% accurate for me, it was true for the most part. Anyone that knows me will say that I am not quiet and reserved and they would be correct. I am an extrovert with those close to me, friends and family, but if I don’t know someone I will be so quiet and shy, that they wouldn’t recognize me. It is true that I prefer the close circle than a big circle, and I do spend a lot of energy. I felt a little attacked when I read that I focus a lot in small details rather than the big picture. Which is half true. I do focus in those small details, but I also look at the big picture. And for sure I love something concrete rather than something abstract. I am trying to improve the part where my decisions are emotional rather than logical, and to some extent it is working, but it is still a work in progress. Lastly, of course I plan everything beforehand, I like to know all the possibilities before diving in. Don’t you..?

But then there’s this phrase: “Defenders are often receptive to change and new ideas“… How about no? Ok, look, when I need to move onto a new facet of my life I will do it. It doesn’t mean that I like it, it means that it’s necessary. But everything needs to be carefully planned. And about the “new ideas“? Well, again, I just need sufficient planning. “Defenders are true altruists, meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess and engaging the work and people they believe in with enthusiasm and generosity.” This part particularly fits me. Everyone that knows me -truly knows me-, knows this to be true. It’s actually one of the reasons that it’s been hard to make friends in the States, because there’s no such thing as “meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess“, I’ve had my hands full when walking from my car to my apartment -and it’s clear I need help/I’m struggling- and I’ve had either neighbors help me out by simply opening a door and I’ve had neighbors that won’t help me at all. This is part of the reason why I’ve gotten into trouble with people, they don’t get how -or even why- I’m so enthusiastic all the time. Which is not necessarily true, but I like to project that because there’s enough sadness in the world, you know? So while I might be bummed out inside, I will try my best to be cheerful.

Fun fact: There’s only 13% of us ISFJ’s. No wonder we’re so rare.

“Defender personalities are often meticulous to the point of perfectionism, and though they procrastinate, they can always be relied on to get the job done on time.” This is another part that fits me to a T. I tend to be a perfectionist, even though I have been working on it. Because not everything can or will be perfect. I procrastinate to no end, but everything is always done on time, which is the reason I procrastinate, though I know I need to do better. “…take their responsibilities personally, consistently going above and beyond, doing everything they can to exceed expectations and delight others, at work and at home.” Work, yes, home, maybe not so much. I am not much of a family person. I love my family, but as a whole we’re not very close, the person I talk to the most is my dad. But the rest, not so much, only here and there. Which is a shame, because when I see other families and they’re all together and they all get along, I get jealous. So, to some extent, I want that too, but we’re all so different as a family, and it wasn’t something that we were taught or encouraged.

“They have a tendency to underplay their accomplishments, and while their kindness is often respected, more cynical and selfish people are likely to take advantage of their dedication and humbleness…” This one specifically speaks to me, because I don’t like to be praised, I get super shy when someone praises me and I’ve been taken advantage of more times than I can remember. That quote continues as: “…need to know when to say no and stand up for themselves if they are to maintain their confidence and enthusiasm.” It’s funny because it is something I’m currently struggling with. I know I need to stand up for myself, but I feel it will cause more trouble than it’s worth and then I’m going to end up like the bad guy.

“Naturally social, an odd quality for Introverts…” I feel… attacked. I am very social, and people think I’m an extrovert, but I am not, not really. I am very shy when I don’t know someone, of course after I know them I’m hell on heels, but otherwise no. I have a special problem with this one: “...coworkers, whom people with the Defender personality type often consider their personal friends.“, specially because I don’t know how to do things half-way, I am an all-or-nothing gal. I have a lot of troubles with the gray area. I don’t exactly sure if it’s a good or bad thing but that’s how I am, there are a lot of things that I know I could improve on, but I don’t know if this is one of those.

“…rarely sitting idle while a worthy cause remains unfinished…. ability to connect with others on an intimate level is unrivaled among Introverts, and the joy they experience in using those connections to maintain a supportive, happy family is a gift for everyone involved…” Yes, a hundred times, yes. It’s hard for me to sit idle when I can do something about, well, something. I struggled for the longest time whether to help someone or not. I thought about it night and day. And I ended up not helping because I didn’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable. That’s another problem I have. I put myself in other’s peoples shoes, maybe way too much.

Strengths:

  1. Supportive: …universal helpers, sharing their knowledge, experience, time and energy with anyone who needs it… they strive for win-win situations, choosing empathy over judgment whenever possible. (Y.E.S.)
  2. Reliable and Patient: …are meticulous and careful, taking a steady approach and bending with the needs of the situation just enough to accomplish their end goals… not only ensure that things are done to the highest standard, but often go well beyond what is required. (💯)
  3. Imaginative and Observant: …very imaginative, and use this quality as an accessory to empathy, observing others’ emotional states and seeing things from their perspective. (I feel personally attacked again.)
  4. Enthusiastic: …take all this support, reliability and imagination and apply it to something they believe will make a difference in people’s lives – whether fighting poverty with a global initiative or simply making a customer’s day. (I’m enthusiastic, but I am not sure about the whole explanation on this one.)
  5. Loyal and Hard-Working: Given a little time, this enthusiasm grows into loyalty… personalities often form an emotional attachment to the ideas and organizations they’ve dedicated themselves to. Anything short of meeting their obligations with good, hard work fails their own expectations. (Yes, also with people. Which is not the best thing ever.)
  6. Good Practical Skills: …have the practical sense to actually do something with all this altruism… can see the beauty and harmony that they create, because they know that it helps them to care for their friends, family, and anyone else who needs it. (I don’t think this is true. If anything all I’ve created lately is chaos.)

Weaknesses:

  1. Humble and Shy: …this is possibly Defenders’ biggest challenge, as they are so concerned with others’ feelings that they refuse to make their thoughts known, or to take any duly earned credit for their contributions. Defenders’ standards for themselves are also so high that, knowing they could have done some minor aspect of a task better, they often downplay their successes entirely. (So freaking true.)
  2. Take Things Too Personally: …have trouble separating personal and impersonal situations… and any negativity from conflict or criticism can carry over from their professional to their personal lives, and back again. (This is a current struggle. Trying to hang in there.)
  3. Repress Their Feelings: …are private and very sensitive, internalizing their feelings a great deal. Much in the way that they protect others’ feelings, they must protect their own, and this lack of healthy emotional expression can lead to a lot of stress and frustration. (This is equals part true and false, I am very open with a lot of stuff, but really-true feelings is not something I tell everyone and I tell everyone everything. I’m also transparent as hell, which doesn’t help.)
  4. Overload Themselves: …strong senses of duty and perfectionism combine with this aversion to emotional conflict to create a situation where it is far too easy to overload themselves as they struggle silently to meet everyone’s expectations, especially their own. (😬💯)
  5. Reluctant to change: …a situation sometimes needs to reach a breaking point before they are persuaded by circumstance, or the strong personality of a loved one, to alter course. (A thousand times yes, which is bad.)
  6. Too Altruistic: …Being such warm, good-natured people, Defenders are willing to let things slide, to believe that things will get better soon, to not burden others by accepting their offers of help, while their troubles mount unassisted. (What is the number one reason Carolyn stays in friendships for too long when it’s not going anywhere? Because she gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. 😬)

It goes on and on talking about relationships which I’m omitting for now, but it does talk about friendships. “…they also need to be able to connect on a deeper emotional level. It makes sense then that most of Defenders’ friends are made not by random encounters on a wild night out, but through comfortable and consistent contact, as in class or in the workplace where they have the time to get to know each other little by little.” This is super true. All of my friends I met as classmates. There’s no one that I consider friend that is outside of that. It should be consider as a weakness the fact that: “…need a lot of positive feedback, and admitting this need certainly shows vulnerability, but if that vulnerability is well handled, it creates the deep bonds that Defender personalities look for. If badly handled or not reciprocated, it’s hard to see the burgeoning friendship surviving without quite a bit of extra effort.” The perfect examples of this are the friendships I’ve talked about in the past and it’s funny/interesting, because I experienced both so recently. One person handled well that vulnerability, the other didn’t. That translates to still being friends with one, but not with the other.

“…as their friendships develop… a sense of loyalty may push them… to meet their friends’ needs, to the point of neglecting their own… they show this in a few ways, from going clearly out of their ways to stick to trivial commitments, to simply not wanting to disagree or say no for fear of causing turbulence. More cynical types would call this naïve, and may even take advantage of Defenders’ altruism – but these are hardly the type of people who could be called ‘friends’“. This flows with the previous statement, it’s part of the reason my friendship ended. He didn’t understand that this is a default setting for me. Which is the type that last statement is talking about. “The real friends…are the ones Defenders truly cherish for their quality of character and quality of discussion. Defenders aren’t particularly picky about what personality types they make friends with, at least not initially, but because they prefer so strongly to avoid conflict and miscommunication, most of their friends are likely to end up being fairly similar personalities.” This is so, so true. I’ve sat down and made this analysis and it is true, all of my friends are similar to me, of course we have differences but we have a lot of things in common.

It also talks about the workplace. “…can always be relied on for their kindness and ability to listen to concerns, and to find ways to resolve them. Win-win situations are Defenders’ bread and butter, and no one takes quite the same pleasure in finding satisfying resolutions to day-to-day challenges.” It goes on to say: “As subordinates they exemplify the strength of humble dedication… only seek one reward for their work: the satisfaction of knowing that whoever they helped feels heartfelt thanks. On the other hand, this humbleness can hold them back – Defenders are quite unwilling to advertise their achievements, often for fear of creating unnecessary friction.” This is particularly true, it is something I am trying to work with currently, I need to be more extroverted. I need to keep my feet firm on the ground and I need to not let anyone step on me. In workplace topics, naturally, co-workers come up. “Among their colleagues, people with this personality type seek a friction-less environment, a spirit of friends helping friends to get the job done. Close-knit and supportive teams are what Defenders enjoy most, allowing them to express their altruistic spirit among people who rely on their dedication and warmth. Defenders are natural networkers, but they use this skill to keep things running smoothly, not as a tool for professional advancement.” I feel -once again-, personally attacked, this is not necessarily a good thing. I’m being too altruistic right now and I am trying to keep the peace even though my coworkers are doing everything in their power to push me over the edge. I guess they could argue they’re not and they could be right. I might being too dramatic as normal, but I believe this is one of the times that I’m not wrong. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out. It goes onto explaining how people with my personality could be managers/bosses, etc. “…they don’t actually enjoy managing others, but this can be one of their greatest strengths… they are warm, approachable and great listeners… prefer to work alongside their subordinates, organizing people and minimizing conflict. This helps them to create personal relationships with their subordinates, to be friends in the workplace who simply have different sets of responsibilities. While they may be slow to accept some changes, they are great at helping their teams put them into practice once they’ve been agreed on. Defenders may be too sensitive to be fully executive material, but they make exemplary floor and office managers who know what it takes to satisfy their customers.” This last topic is particularly me and it’s not at the same time. I can organize stuff well, but I am not good at bossing people around which is why I’m having trouble. Supposedly, I would make a good one -though not an excellent one- because of all of this mentioned before.

The conclusion circles that: “Few personality types are as practical and dedicated… Known for their reliability and hard work… are good at creating and maintaining a secure and stable environment for themselves… dedication is invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth. Yet Defenders can be easily tripped up in areas where their kind and practical attitude is more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is navigating interpersonal conflicts, confronting unpleasant facts, pursuing self-realization, or managing your workload, you need to put in a conscious effort to develop your weaker traits and additional skills.” I believe, there’s not much left to say…

As I was reading this I felt identified, I felt attacked, and others didn’t fit me but for the most part they did. Whenever I am judging myself, I try to be as neutral as possible because I like to be objective. Of course this is not foolproof, it’s a very flawed system. We, as humans being, tend to overlook all of our faults and it’s something I am currently struggling with. I encourage everyone to take the test, it will help you understand some things about yourself, I know it did for me. It specifically outlined my strengths and weaknesses which was an eye opener and most importantly, it showed me that I am not the only one. That a lot of people struggle with this too, even if it’s just the 13%…

Credits to: https://www.16personalities.com/isfj-personality for the creation of the test and the good studies to understand ourselves.

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Live and learn

Live and learn

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Jeff Ross

I am a very energetic person. I will sing and dance at a public place, even though I am not good at either one. While I will cry at the silliest things, i.e. if someone yells at me (I’m not very thick skinned), I will never (or rarely) do so in public. So, I may have been crying minutes before stepping into any public place, but I will still have my best smile, a song or two, and most likely a dance. Rarely people outside of my close circle of friends will know what’s going on. I am also a very kind person. I will go to the ends of the Earth for the people I care about and I get attached quick and very easily, usually just a couple of days if the other person is also showing interest in starting a friendship. As an example (a funny/interesting one at that), the last time I made a friend, I was able to pinpoint the exact moment I realized that it was going to end up with me getting attached and inevitably hurt, but I’ll get to that in a moment. 

First, some back story. A couple of months ago my work place was having a few visitors from outside the country that were going to be with us for a while, and then they were going back home. They were working under my boss, so by extension, with me. Since I consider myself kind and welcoming, I basically took it upon myself to show them around. They told me they loved to play pool, and since I had offered to drive them around as necessary, one day they looked up a place to play and I took them. I had never played pool before, being raised in a strict Christian household, pool is considered a bar game, meaning only people who drink play it (fun fact: my mom still cringes at the fact that I know how to play pool… I’m twenty four years old!). We went to what looked like a very sketchy place. Out of the two, one is an introvert, the other an extrovert. The extrovert told the employee that there were going to be three players. I frowned as I heard it, but I went along with it (although I am an extrovert too, I am very introverted around strangers at first, and they were still strangers by then). They chose a table and three cues, even though I had explicitly said that I didn’t know how to play.

As they were starting to play, I tell the introvert that they could play without me, and he tells me: “it’s fine, we want you to play”. That comment warmed my heart, it felt really good, it had been a while since someone had wanted me to be a part of something. But I was feeling embarrassed because they were really good and I was not. So as the extrovert is watching the table to choose his shot, I approach him and I tell him the same thing, to which he replies: “it’s fine, we want you to play”. And I thought it was hilarious how they both said the same thing, in different moments, and it’s not like either of them spoke loud enough for the other to hear. They genuinely wanted me to play with them, it made me so happy. I don’t think they even knew how much.
In that split second the following words went through my mind: you’re going to get attached to them, and they’re eventually leaving, so you’re going to be sad. But there was nothing that I could do to stop it, short of not talking to them again. And did I want to? Not really. And was the pain worth all the happy moments? Yes, it was. 

Long story short, they started teaching me how to play, and by the end I was a lot improved. We played often while they stayed here, and I’m so much better now than that clueless girl who was barely able to hit the white cue ball. I always come across people, like the extrovert I mentioned before, that are okay with me getting attached quickly. They, more often than not, turn out to be people that I can talk to, befriend them and be myself with. Luckily, that was the case here. Spoiler alert: we’re BFFs now, even though the idiot lives on the other side of the world (thank God for Whataspp) and that we only knew each other for two months. Surprisingly enough, he’s a lot like me and gets attached to people quickly.

…
…you’re going to get attached to them, and they’re eventually leaving, so you’re going to be sad… and was the pain worth all the happy moments? Yes, it was…

But I also have come across people that don’t like the way I am and/or want me to change, and there are two that particularly stand out. (Sidenote: I have this weird thing where I feel like I need to be extra nice to people that are dicks to me. And before you ask, it takes a lot for me to be able to be mean in return, and in the end it just takes a toll on me, so I figure it’s not worth it. I’d rather be nice than not… it’s just who I am.) Anyway, the first person was this guy I knew who was really mean to me (and because I’m a masochist, I used to have a crush on him, jeez), but the thing is I never understood why he acted like that. I do know that I like to call people by pet names, and more often than not it’s done unconsciously (so you’ll hear me calling you “babe”, “honey”, etc.) but since he hated it, I did my best not to call him that, although I admit I’m still not the best at controlling what I say. Fast-forward a year or two, we were on the phone, and we were talking about situations like this that had happened between us, and I found out what was going through his mind back then. He knew he was being a dick to me, and it angered him that I was nice, and so he was extra mean. Talk about logic. 

I feel like I need to be extra nice to people that are dicks to me.

The second person was this other guy I used to be friends with. The way we became friends was unusual, everything happened really fast. Within a few days of knowing each other we got each other stuff (little presents), we would hang out often, the whole deal. (Quick background: Recently, and as a result of various situations, I have been getting to know myself better, and now I am able to tell people: “I’m like this” or “I do this and that”, so no one can ever blame me for lying or misleading them. I’m upfront front the beginning.) But the thing is, after a month or so this person started to mind my talking a lot, my energetic personality, etc. If he had known himself well enough, and if he had told me the truth about how he felt, I could have explained that my behavior wasn’t because I had a crush on him (like he thought), but because I am like that with everyone. Oh well, we’re not friends anymore. Shit happens, moving on… 

I have been getting to know myself better.

The reason I went through the trouble of explaining all of this is because something really nice and cute happened today in the midst of finals hell week. I was doing this homework that has been taking us forever to finish, and I was beat. One of my classmates mentioned that his wife’s birthday was today, so as we’re leaving for the day I tell him: “tell your wife I said happy birthday”, and he says he’ll pass it on. So I go like: “Yeah, just tell her that a random classmate that she doesn’t know wishes her a happy birthday”. He then goes on to say: “Oh, she knows about you”. There were a million thoughts going through my head at the moment about why he would tell her about me, but the most predominant was: “Oh, maybe he told her he has a classmate from Puerto Rico”. Then he said the nicest thing ever: “She knows I take classes with someone that has the energy of a 6 year old”, there was a pause, and I smiled and said: “I’m taking that as a compliment”, and he told me it was.

So, what I am trying to get at is this: not everyone will appreciate you, not everyone will like who you are, and people will give you shit for being yourself. And that hurts… like hell. But remember, just remember, there is always someone that will appreciate you, someone that will like you the way you are, accept you just the way you are, and love you in spite of the things they don’t like about you, but they look past them because they know that’s not the only part of you. Don’t let the people that don’t appreciate who you are bring you down. They’re not worth it. Fight for those who are there through thick and thin, those who will put their pride aside to be there with you, because they truly love you. So move on, there will come someone along who will be worth it. I will pass on the wisdom of a good friend of mine, when I asked him how do I know when it’s time to let go of things or people, he said: “It’s easy, value your time, determine the things that bother you and make them non-negotiable. If a non-negotiable thing happens, let it go, it’s not worth it”, and had I followed his advice, I think I would have ended a certain friendship a month or so before the other person decided that they were done with me. But live and learn, and don’t make the same mistake twice, babe. 

Carolyn