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The Prophecy

“And it was written

I got cursed like Eve got bitten

Oh, was it punishment?”

-Taylor Swift

Most people learn about themselves as teens, and make the big mistakes in their 20s. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that privilege, I was sheltered from a young age and I couldn’t move from that for a very long time. For example, I wasn’t allowed to have or be at sleepovers. The first time my mother allowed me to go to a sleepover was when I was 16-17. These were people I knew since I was 12-13, but it took heavy convincing, and I was never allowed to have one at our house. My mother thinks this is why I’m always angry at her which is fucking laughable. My anger is due to her tone deaf comments, insensitivity, her emotional unavailability, which have never subsided, and by the way, she thinks that her helping me with homework as a child was her going above and beyond? I wish I was kidding, anyway.

She’s also very religious so she didn’t want me to be influenced by non-Christians, and it didn’t matter if they practiced another religion, for her they were all wrong because Protestantism is the one true religion (she’s changed her tune since then). I wished she was right, I wished that it was drugs or alcohol, or reckless sex, but it wasn’t (because she’d be right), it was sleepovers, movie nights, going to the movie theatre, and listening to all kinds of music, that’s what me and my friends did that she didn’t allow me to do for a long time. On this note, she says that I was a good Christian girl until I was brainwashed in college, again, not exaggerating.

I have always craved having a mother that I could tell things to, I remember being jealous of my friends because they had a close relationship with their moms. Throughout my life I have tried including my mother, only for every time I do, she reminds me why I don’t. I remember being a teen and telling a friend of mine that I liked him, I shared that with my mother after the fact, I was like 18, her reaction to that? “Carolyn, men don’t like women that, women that are forward. You need to wait for them to make the first move.” When I was 27, she told me I ruined her Christmas when I told her I got a nose piercing, I was well out of her house by then, now she recants.

“Please

I’ve been on my knees

Change the prophecy

Don’t want money

Just someone who wants my company

Let it once be me

Who do I have to speak to

About if they can redo the prophecy?”

So you see, on one hand I was struggling (mostly alone) with the idea that no man would ever like me because of my personality (thanks mom) and on the other, I have always been fat, so I also thought no one would like me because “who likes fat girls?” (thanks society). A perfect combination for a fucking mess. Moving out of her house gave me the space to start figuring out who I am. What I like, what I don’t like. This proved to be surprisingly hard. Turns out that even though I hadn’t practiced Christianity for years at that point, everything they taught me, all the things I had heard at church in my formative years had taken a very deep hold on me. Intellectually I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, and I wasn’t, but emotionally, I felt bad about those things.

“Slow is the quicksand

Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand

Oh, still I dream of him”

All this story is a precursor, a summary if you will, so you understand why it took me so long to find myself, to like myself and to actually believe someone would want and like me.

I had to make conscious choices to change that way of thinking. There’s not a manual to guide you through it. Hating your body and thinking people won’t love you, makes it really hard to find someone, because if you hate yourself, how is someone else supposed to love it? Daniel Sloss has a great analogy where he says that if you love yourself 20% and someone comes in to love you 40%, you think that’s a lot, but it is literally less than half. But if you love yourself 100%, someone has to go above and beyond to love you (It’s from his special Jigsaw on Netflix).

So relatively recently I made it, about two years ago I hopped back on dating apps, matched with someone who seemed to be into me, that kind of pushed me to want to look better, dress better, I wanted to impress him you know? I shouldn’t have made all that effort for that person, BUT all the progress I made, feeling better about myself, actually liking me for once, didn’t go away when that ended, which I’m very glad for. Around the same time I had started CrossFit, if nothing else that gave me a boost of confidence for trying things out of my comfort zone. And I haven’t stopped since. All those cute clothes I used to think I couldn’t wear, I have worn, even lingerie, I started liking myself in the body I had.

“…I howl like a wolf at the moon

And I look unstable

Gathered with a coven around a sorcerer’s table”

Simultaneously, I stopped thinking men couldn’t like me. I found that there is actually a bunch that do (whether they’re good for me or not, is a whole other story lol). Unfortunately, every time one didn’t work, I’d find myself reverting to unhealed me and wondered if I had really healed. Because I’d find myself wondering what was wrong with me. I didn’t, and sometimes still don’t, understand why they didn’t work or why I keep crossing paths with the wrong people. In retrospect, I know that before I couldn’t really attract people, not because I wasn’t attractive but because putting myself down isn’t really attractive, I’d tell guys I liked them by saying some variation of “I know you don’t like me, but I do” and remembering that makes me ugh. But now, I was in such a good place, I made so many changes to myself and felt very good about me, how I looked, how I was portraying myself, I was emanating confidence. People took notice, yes, but still I’d get “you’re too good for me/you deserve someone better”, there still wasn’t anyone that liked me, that would fight to keep me in their life, so I wondered if all that work was worth it. I didn’t do the work for anyone other than myself but fuck, I still wanted people to notice. I still wanted to hear someone cared about me, I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by someone.

“I’m so afraid I sealed my fate

No sign of soulmates

I’m just a paperweight

In shades of greige

Spending my last coin so someone will tell me

It’ll be okay”

As a child when I played with my Barbies, they’d get married at around 22 so they could have at least two babies before they were 25. That was learned, a product of my environment. As a teen I grew up disliking the gender roles my mother clung badly (and the ones she taught us). What I never accounted for was that my Barbies didn’t have careers, they just had their houses and cars just because. At 22 I was in my fourth year of my undergraduate degree (finished at 23), then at 25 I was working on my doctorate degree, which I finished at 28. Two degrees under 30. A Latina woman, in STEM, first woman in her family to finish a doctorate degree, second member overall. Who is working in her field. A woman that is many things, kind, thoughtful, wears her heart on her sleeve, gives a lot of herself and will go to the ends of the heart for those she cares about. Yet, she still feels inadequate. I figured once I finished grad school all the chips would fall where they needed, and they haven’t. I am still working through the fact that changing opinions is more than saying you don’t believe something anymore, you have to go in and put in the work, if you don’t all those things you used to believe will come back and bite you in the ass. That Barbie story, even though I don’t believe that I should have (or even could have) had a child at 22, I feel I’m behind, I am finding I haven’t actively changed that thought. I am a fucking doctor who feels hasn’t accomplished anything, make it make fucking sense. That just goes to show what the emphasis on success I was taught by my parents and society, ironically for a long time my mother was a single hardworking woman. I have to redefine my expectations on life, which I hadn’t reevaluated (I hadn’t realized), I don’t have a Time Machine.

I’m starting to make my peace with the fact that it might never work for me. That I have to be perfectly content being the single aunt, that has pets, and travels the world. But I do want the black picket fence, the kids, that suburban life. Will I get that? I don’t know. I do know that I can’t put my life on hold waiting for that, I have to live my life to the fullest, I have to make myself happy in whatever situation I am. Otherwise a lifetime will have passed me by and I would have only been miserable.


Some days I wake up with hope. Not because things are looking bright —they’re still looking bleak but I get glimmers of hope. I deserve good things, I deserve to be loved, cared for, looked after, I deserve to be first choice, and hopefully affirming those to myself will manifest them to life.

As Always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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Spain: Motherland Part II

Next stop in my Toledo tour was The Primate Cathedral of Saint Mary of Toledo. Like I’ve said before, I love going to Cathedrals, I love vaulted ceilings, which places like this have enough of, they also have stained glass. And pipe organs. But look at all that art, all the details (in gold and marble looks like).

That night was my birthday eve and I went to a bar crawl, I was having a lot of fun, visited several bars, it was about 2AM, I had enough, and decided to go home. I get an Uber, and as I’m waiting for it, I stop at a nearby food place, and in a crowded street, a guy starts harassing me, I tell him no, move away from him, but he walks into me, I push him away, I thought that was the end of it, when I realize I don’t have my phone, I had just used it to pay for the food, so I go back to the food place to check I didn’t leave it, it’s not there, then I realize I had to have put it on my coat pocket and the guy stole it. I tried to see if I saw him and he was gone. I started freaking out, wasn’t sure how I’d go back to the Airbnb, because, my cards were also attached to my phone. A guy on the street told me to calm down but I couldn’t, I was in a foreign city, far from my airbnb, with no knowledge on how I’d get back. So I did the only thing I could think of, which was go back to the bar and try to find the group I was with so I could try to get in touch with my dad, so he could block my phone. The bar crawl guide wasn’t super helpful apart from letting me borrow his phone to talk to my dad (didn’t help me getting back to my airbnb) but three people I met two hours before offered help, one guy even told me to log into my apple account from his phone so we could track mine, and he’d go to get my phone, but in the stress of it I couldn’t remember my password. The girl helped me breathe, told me that everyone’s gone through that, to which I responded I hadn’t, so she said “well, now you have”, which wasn’t funny then, but it is now. After using her phone to get in touch with my dad, he blocked my phone, and deletes everything from it. I always use my GPS to get around a foreign city, I don’t usually remember the address of where I am staying, for some reason, I remembered the address of this Airbnb, I don’t know how, but the why was so I could get back. The third guy got cash and paid for a cab for me to get back. I get back to my Airbnb, and from my watch I text a friend of mine that has an iPhone, he helps me with communication between me and my dad, since my dad doesn’t have an iPhone I can’t call him through the watch. At the Airbnb, and as I’m talking to my friend about what happened, I started having an anxiety attack. I didn’t even eat my food until it was cold. By then I had lost all appetite. I was going to attempt to get my iPhone replaced in Madrid, that morning I was meant to check out, so my friend sends me the address of the closest Apple Store, I walk there that morning with all my shit. I am on high alert and on edge, so much that I snapped at a lady on the street trying to sell me flowers, she got too close and it triggered me. I got to the Apple Store but unfortunately I couldn’t change my phone there as it was from another country (Apple might have changed that policy now), so I went to a phone store nearby and got a new phone, oh, remember I said he stole my cards too? Thankfully I had ONE on me, I never use debit cards on international trips so he just stole my credit cards, which was unfortunate, but I had a debit card, which I used for the remainder of this trip. The fucking phone cost me more than an iPhone replacement and it is the single most shitty phone ever. It was literally easier to open instagram, take a picture, download it than opening the phone app. I swear. Also the quality of pictures was shitty so bear with me the rest of the trip’s pics.

My last stop in Madrid was my dear Santiago Bernabeu, the home of Real Madrid. It was under construction, but it was still pretty majestic.

I got to see the stadium where a lot of my favorite stars had played at, where football history has been made. Unfortunately for me, they we playing away games when I was in Madrid, so I couldn’t see them, I think they had played as locals the week before and they’d be playing there the following week, so in short, bad timing.

That afternoon I took a train to Barcelona, another fast train, a 385 mile trip, roughly 6hrs driving took around 3hrs aboard the train, and it’s weird? It’s going really fast but you barely notice it, even as they travel around 186mph. I don’t have pictures of the interim because all the down time I had waiting at the train station, and on the train I spent setting the fucking phone, and calling credit card companies to cancel my cards, calling Apple to report the phone as stolen, which fun fact, when you’re calling from a Spanish number, it redirects you to a the Spanish brand EVEN if you’re calling the US number, so I had to get them to redirect me several times. All that process was SUPER fun. I think I slept some on the train but not much and even if I had slept the whole way it wasn’t a long trip. Anyway, I get to my Barcelona Airbnb, late, around 9 or 10pm, I think, tired as fuck. I shower and fall asleep as soon as I can, I was supposed to go to a bar crawl in Barcelona that night (birthday night), however I skipped it because, well, hadn’t slept for over 24hrs. And because I’m a masochist bitch, I had scheduled a tour of the Camp Nou the following morning at like 10AM, so I didn’t have lots of time to sleep if I went out.

For my football fans, specially those familiar with Real Madrid’s and Barcelona’s rivalry, I know, okay, I know, however, I was in Barcelona, there was no way I’d miss the stadium, and unlike Santiago Bernabeu they weren’t under construction and had a very thorough museum. If I took a photo of the stadium it’s lost in the shitty android Spanish phone (very sad). They had replicas of Messi’s Ballon D’or, several of them in fact, and I think he donated one of them so it was the real thing. If you keep scrolling, you can see the stadium, in several views, the entrance the players use to enter the field, and there’s a chapel in that tunnel as well.

I stopped at the Barça café and had a little coffee, which, cute.

So okay, this is the key of the Airbnb I stayed at, I had to be taught how to use it because I could lock anyone inside if I locked it a certain way, so essentially when I walked out, I’d just close the door and it was locked.

I asked the Airbnb person for a spot to watch the game Barça was playing that day –I had figured if I couldn’t watch Real Madrid, at least I could see FCB in person, but because I have shit luck, they were also playing an away game… so I figured the next best thing was to go watch them play at a bar, with locals, and indeed was the best thing. I got a mojito, mozzarella sticks, but that wasn’t even the best thing. You know how as an English speaker, the English or Australian accent is hot? Well Spanish accent is that for my ears, you see the girl in front of me, the guy she was with did the most Spanish thing ever and said something along the lines “joder tío” (roughly translated to “fuck dude”), when a player missed a goal, I swear I almost squealed. Barcelona lost that game against Almeria, 1-0, so the fans were not happy. It was unfortunate but regardless the atmosphere was on-point.

Part II consisted of days three and four, so I will finish this trip on a third blog as to not make it overly long and bore you to death. But for your information, the last leg of the trip was excellent it’s soooooo worth it to stay tuned.

As Always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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This is me trying

“I’ve been having a hard time adjusting… I have a lot of regrets about that.”

-Taylor Swift

I had never seen a therapist until a good friend of mine passed away back in 2017, and I was in a foreign city, by myself with no support system. Since then I understood the importance of talking things through with someone that can help. I’m a therapist’s dream, I talk so fucking much.

Unfortunately finding a good one is hard, I changed therapists twice because I felt I wasn’t getting anything from it, she just listened and never challenged me or helped me understand things. After searching I found one I loved, only to have her change jobs and unfortunately does not see patients anymore. So the search for a new one was an uphill battle but I made it.

I think it was match made in heaven because for one, she’s named like one character from my favorite show. She listens when she needs to but she also makes me think about things. In the time we’ve known each other I feel she’s gotten a good sense of who I am as a person, like I’ll walk in and she senses my mood is off asks me if need a hug, and she never misses.

“And maybe I don’t quite know what to say

But I’m here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know

This is me trying”

I went to her about this whole ordeal with Jack (if you missed my previous two blog posts go here and here), she said she has never seen me that down (my friend said the same thing), that’s just me overwhelmed by life, this situation with Jack isn’t exactly making things better, on top of that the pottery studio I’ve been throwing clay is closing (I’ll talk about this at a later time), which is a new hobby where I had the space to channel some time and energy into, all of it feels like the end of the world.

I know that’s not necessarily true and it’s just one of those when it rains it pours kind of situations and it’s hard to control the emotions when you feel problems coming back to back with no end in sight. That’s why I have been channeling some of that stress into the gym, working out for longer, my body is exhausted about the extra work but the dopamine really helps ground me.

Until I sat down that day, all my therapist knew was that I had some fun with Jack who I had gone out on a date with months prior, and that that was all it was, fun. I updated her on the realization I had that I wanted more than that because how he made me feel. I showed her conversations between the two of us and she thinks he could be thinking things through, I did spring brand new information on him and maybe he can’t make the switch that quick (plus he started seeing someone, fuck my life) — which is fair. I’m at a point in my life where if you’re not sure of me, I’ll just fuck off, I have no time for someone unsure of me, but for this, for him, I am making an exception. Why? Because I said no first, I was unsure first, I came around and hopefully he will too, but I don’t know that, I am not necessarily waiting as much as I’m letting time pass. If he comes around and the feelings are still there, we pursue things, if they’re not then we don’t or maybe he never comes around. That’s the shitty thing about life, there is a lot of uncertainty.

“And it’s hard to be at a party when

I feel like an open wound

It’s hard to be anywhere these days

when all I want is you”

As I sat down on her couch, I told her I’d be hugging a cushion and holding onto the tissue box, I’ve cried on her couch before, but I think this is the first time I’ve walked in teared up and had a hard time getting coherent words out. She listened, then gave her advice. I blamed myself for the situation I found myself in with Jack, if I had just seen him last year like I am now, maybe we could have had a good relationship, instead I concerned myself with thinking I knew what would happen if we dated. At the time I was heartbroken and I was trying to avoid feeling that way again, so I skipped it altogether. Big mistake, because I was now regretting it.

The thought that keeps playing around in my head is that if that asshole made me lose out on a great person, I’d be so upset, Peter left me very heartbroken, it took months and a lot of situations for me to get over it. I am often told “what’s for you won’t pass you by” and that may be true but it’s never helped the uncertainty or given me comfort. I never thought I’d see Jack that way, not because of who he is, just because of who I was. Who I was changed, so I changed how I saw him. And because life is shitty, the timing’s off.

A big thing that’s fucking me up big time is that Jack is someone I vent to, when something’s shitty, when work stresses me out, when a date goes wrong, and he’ll make a joke to try to make me feel better, or be sweet and tell me it’s going to be okay that one day we’ll find someone who’s crazy about us. You know the shitty thing about liking a friend? You kind of lose them, the relationship changes, he’s there for me but I can’t exactly be a good friend to him can I? Specially when he’s seeing someone. Add to that that he can’t read a room for shit because I was clear on not wanting to know anything about who he’s seeing and after a “how are you?” text, he tells me he’s driving home from a city about an hour from him, and that prompted me to ask “what’s there?”, and he replies with “the girl I’m seeing”. Cue tears and regrets aiming to overwhelm me again.

I did all I could do with Jack, as in, I told him how I felt, I was direct (and naughty) about it, just so he knew I meant business, so he knew that I wasn’t just smitten —because I’m not, so he knew that I was a damn fool for missing him the first time around. I was clear so he knew I wanted him. After that, there’s not much I can do. Ball’s in his court. All I can do is sit back and stress about it, if you know anything about me is I can’t sit back and relax.

Just before I left the session, my therapist gave me homework, she asked me to make a list of five things as to why this situation with Jack is not all my fault. I felt attacked so my response was “me? take the blame for everything? NoOOo.” We laughed, because it’s exactly what I do and what I’m doing right now. She said that relationship (whether, that’s friends, between a therapist and a patient, romantic, etc.) stuff doesn’t all fall on one person, it falls on both. So I had to sit down to ponder, why isn’t it all my fault? It certainly feels like it, we went out, had a great time, and I didn’t give it time, we didn’t see each other in person again for me to know if we should or should not pursue things, I just made a decision based on little information.

But the question remained in my head. The first thing I thought of was that I didn’t know and to be honest, still don’t know, if he was/is into me. Having fun together means nothing in this regard, many women (and men) make that mistake, something can just be physical and not mean anything more than that. If I’m being quite honest it didn’t mean much to me either, it was just a good time, it just happened that it took that for me to realize I wanted more but it wasn’t due to one good time. I remember his sweet text after I told him I didn’t/couldn’t pursue things further and thinking maybe I made a mistake. He flirted more with me after we called it off than during. In his words “If I’m being quiet and awkward I’m actually trying to figure out how to flirt” —which was all of our date if I’m being honest (remember this is the guy that shook my hand after our date). I want to think that if I knew he was into me, I would have thought twice before calling it off. I wouldn’t think I’m one to reject someone I think is cute even if I wasn’t feeling yet at the time. I also have to think about how our first date went, it was something like me asking if he was ever going to ask me out and within the hour we were out at a bar, but after that he didn’t ask me out, so I didn’t think the interest was there. Could I be wrong? Yes. Could I have asked him? Yes. So how is it really not my fault? I don’t know.

This is what my list looks like:

  1. I didn’t know if he was interested in me
  2. He didn’t initiate dates
  3. I don’t know
  4. I really think it’s my fault
  5. I don’t know if my therapist is right on this one

I don’t think I know more than she does but it’s hard to see it any other way. But I’m also in the midst of it so I understand not seeing it from someone else’s point of view.

Regret is a very painful thing, on the one hand, Jack deserves someone who cares for him and if the person he’s seeing is that person, then I’ll be happy for him, and my feelings will go away, but on the other hand, I’m mad/sad/jealous that that person is not me. How can I tell him that I’m happy for him with a straight face when I don’t mean it? I do but I don’t.

Can I just wish upon a start? Or make my 11:11 wish that he sees me like I see him?

Will it work? Probably not.

As always,

With love,

Carolyn

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The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived and Back to November Part II

“So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you, saying I’m sorry for that night and I go back to December all the time.”

-Taylor Swift

Summary from Part I: dated an asshole, Peter, and met Jack, a very sweet guy who I only wanted as friend a the time for superficial reasons on my end. We talked about having sex and I ended up at his place.

Jack and I discussed beforehand of what was/wasn’t allowed. We talked why we wanted to go through with it with the other, my answer was simple, I trust you, and we can have some fun, his was “I like to help my friends” (asshole lmao). I got to his place, brought snacks, got acquainted with each other again, it had been about seven months since we had seen each other in person.

We bantered while hanging out on the couch, I played with his dog who likes to fetch, and LOVES butt scratches. His cat made an occasional appearance. His place was clean and organized which is a green flag for me, and even has flowers on his counter top, I gave him shit about it but I secretly liked it.

Every step of the way, he respected my yes and my no, it felt good, I felt calm, comfortable, I wasn’t anxious, or stressed. We laughed so much through it, I’d say it felt like it wasn’t the first time. All of that, the respect, kindness, gentleness, making me feel comfortable, was new. Something underrated that I wasn’t expecting to like or enjoy that much? Jack moved me like I weighted nothing, I fucking swear I felt like a feather, holy shit. Last guy I went out with (Peter) I was full of anxiety, I never felt calm, I thought the anxiety was my brain thinking I wasn’t good enough for him, and it was me fighting against those feelings. In hindsight I learned that my anxiety was my nervous system telling me he wasn’t my person or good enough for me.

“So if the chain is on your door, I understand.”

Sharing this experience with a friend of mine, she asked “why don’t you date Jack? If he has all the qualities you’re looking in someone?” I regurgitated the original reasoning I had made seven months prior, I hadn’t updated that thought of why not, we wouldn’t work out, period. He and I had had the conversation before. But this time, it was different, the question reverberated inside my brain. “Why don’t I date him?” I pondered on it, thought of his kindness the months following our date, through my failed dates, the death of my childhood dog, or any time I felt crappy, he’d send me funny snaps, in hopes of cheering me up. And it worked. He makes me laugh, makes me roll my eyes when he keeps teasing, he annoys the heck out of me on a daily basis. But he also grounds me, makes me feel calm, respected, protected, and safe.

When I went out with him for the first time, I had been dumped a month prior by someone who I felt all the fireworks for. I didn’t with Jack, I thought that was a bad thing, but now I know that’s what I’m craving, peace and calmness. I don’t need the fireworks, all that’s ever done for me is put my nervous system on high alert. I’ve had enough of that, and what I need now is calm and security.

The day after we hung out, he told me his ex reached out, saying she missed him. So we paused our adventure. I wasn’t thrilled. As a matter of fact I was upset about her terrible timing, plus she broke up with him in the shittiest way ever and now she misses him? Pleaseeee. As neutral as I could be, knowing it benefited me but wanting to be careful, I told him he shouldn’t. He deserves someone who sees him and respects him and she’s not it. He knew but he was still on the fence.

We made plans to see each other on a Friday night, for movie and food at his place. Only once I got there, it ended up being me watching the movie alone because he fell asleep, and slept on me for part of it. Apparently, sleeping between my legs and using my thigh as a cushion is very comfortable. I stroked his hair and none of this felt weird, uncomfortable, I swear it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Hours later he apologized for falling asleep, and I left so he could actually sleep and not wake up every thirty minutes.

And I pondered. And pondered. Fuck, how did I miss it? How the fuck did I miss it? I missed it because he doesn’t fit the box of what my person looks like, I missed it because I was hung up on someone else, I missed it because I wasn’t expecting to feel a certain way about him. I missed it because I didn’t feel the fireworks with him, which is what I thought I should feel for someone I wanted to date. And it snuck up on me, I want to date him, I want him for myself, I want his strong arms around me, I want to him to throw me around as if I was as light as a feather, maybe we don’t work out or maybe we do, but I won’t know until I go through with it.

“Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

But if we loved again,

I swear I’d love you right”

Since his ex coming back was recent I decided to wait. It really wouldn’t work if he was hung up on someone. One day I ask him if he told her to kick rocks, he tells me they’re done, subsequently by telling me he’s met someone that seems into him. And my world shattered. Fuck. And I didn’t want to let the opportunity pass me again so I told him how I felt. He questioned it. Which is fair. I told him we were better off as friends several times in the past, that we wouldn’t work. I wasn’t expecting him to drop everything for me, but I thought he’d consider it. In the nicest way ever his response was a “not now”. Which of course means I have to get over it and move on because I can’t wait on a maybe and I told him as much.

I have no idea what he feels about my sudden confession, does he hate me? Is he glad? Does he want me to go back to no feelings? I don’t know, he chose to keep his cards close to his chest on this one. Maybe he’s really feeling this new person and is trying to protect me? I do not know. All I know is that it is not happening right this second, I just hope the universe doesn’t put us in a situation where he’s there and I’m not and we keep missing each other.

I don’t usually regret but I fear this time the regret will eat me alive. I had the opportunity to coincide with a great person and I let him go. I had to find a venue in which to channel all the energy I suddenly had and had nowhere to put, so I chose the gym, I’m already a gym rat but I’m doing extra credit, I found out that dopamine really helps with stress. For the foreseeable future that extra credit is what will help me keep my sanity, either until my feelings go away or he changes his mind, something will give, I do not know which one though.

And if you’re reading this, thank you, you’ve been a constant for me these past few months, you make me laugh when I feel bad, you send me silly little videos, or cute doggy and kitty videos, or maybe you’re just your annoying self which makes me roll my eyes or those flirty videos that make me want to drop everything and step into your doorstep. I feel that regardless of what happens, we’ll be standing at the end of the tunnel, laughing at something silly you said.

If nothing else, this was a lesson, to not judge a book by its cover, your person doesn’t necessarily look like you think they will and you should be open to what life brings your way. But also that you won’t necessarily feel the butterflies and that is okay, butterflies doesn’t mean good or lack of them means bad. Calm is good.

That’s the story on how I went from wanting the smallest man who ever lived to wanting to go back to November to make it all right.

As always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived and Back to November Part I

“Who the fuck was that guy?” -Taylor Swift

I tend to pride myself on not having regrets. The usual way I approach things is that I did the best I could with the information I had and there’s no need to regret things. Because of that I’m the type of person that decides to go for it, just so she doesn’t regret it later. I’m a firm believer in “you regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did”.

I think it’s worked out for me so far… until now anyway.

Last year I started seeing someone (Electric Touch dude, let’s call him Peter), I felt he was way out of my league, cute, tall, and green eyes. He seemed into me, stole kisses and touches here and there. I thought it was the start of a beautiful relationship. Newsflash, it wasn’t. In the words of Queen Swift: “I don’t even want you back I just want to know, if rusting sparkling summer was the goal”. It was arguably one of the hardest thing I’ve had to get over. This time I hadn’t imagined a whole relationship with someone based on nothing, I hadn’t thought they liked me, this time he said he did, he said he’d catch me, and when push came to shove, he didn’t. I was “too much”, where have I heard that before? Hmm.

There’s a saying we use in Puerto Rico “un clavo no saca otro clavo” which says that a nail cannot drive out another nail —what it refers to is that you can’t heal from a broken heart by going out with someone else. But that’s (kind of) what I did —or tried to.

I hyperfixate, and being hurt I wasn’t able to think about anything else and wanted something else to occupy my mind. I thought if I got myself out there it would help. I was —and am, on a quest to date outside of the imaginary box I built of how my person is supposed to look like, which is typically tall, lean, and light-skinned (I know okay? That’s been a running joke with my friends that I like generic white boys and I even get “these white men are dangerous” memes from them 😂). Most of everyone that I’ve gone out on dates with fits this description.

One day I am scrolling through dating apps and I come across this profile, let’s call him Jack, and I think that he’s cute, has a cute dog, likes cats —I liked all of those, it’s particularly hard to find a man that likes both cats and dogs. Has tattoos, and lifts. It was hard to tell from the pictures but he seemed to be a big guy which is not something I usually go for but I wanted to give it a shot. We went out one night, played pool, he gave me shit about something, and we spend a lot of time laughing. He came to the date with joggers, a green hoodie, and sandals with socks, while I wore an extra high waisted jean, and a felt/see through bodysuit, with makeup and earrings. I’m pretty sure he beat me in pool. We walked out of the bar to my car, I think I was giving him shit about his height, about being shorter than me, and to prove he wasn’t, he placed his phone against something, put a timer and stood behind me for a picture (does he still have that picture? I don’t know). I thought he was going to kiss me at the end of the date, I was nervous, but he shook my hand and hugged me. SHOOK MY HAND. I still give him shit about that.

The date was fun one, we seemed to kind of click. But once I got home, I bursted into tears. I clearly was not over Peter, and I knew that, I just didn’t realize it was going to hit me that bad. As I kept talking about Jack to my friend, she thought he and I wouldn’t work, I made sure to pay attention, particularly because of how on-point she was about Peter, ultimately about two weeks later I realized she was right. On top of that, Jack wanted to date and I didn’t feel ready for that. So, I let him know I had a good time but I didn’t think we should pursue things further.

Jack is such a sweet and kind person that all he told me was that it was okay and we should be friends. He said (and I quote): “you’re a very intelligent and strong willed woman and I’d love to keep talking to you”. And that’s what we did. I went onto date other people as he did.

We’d talk about people we were dating. Giving each other advice. One thing we always did was flirt. Exclusively when we weren’t in relationships, and if they crapped out, we’d resume, but we were always respectful to the partners. It was just playful banter. I didn’t seen him since we went on that date, but we kept in touch, we’d Snapchat, and even video chatted once. We had been playing around with the idea of having sex, we were both single, and trusted each other so why not? This time it turned into a serious conversation and I ended up at his place.

This is story is not over — it’s just paused, I didn’t want to lose you over a long ass blog post, so stay tuned for Part II.

As always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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Electric Touch

Just breathe, just relax, it’ll be okay…
I’ve got my money on things going badly
Got a history of stories ending sadly
Still hoping that the fire won’t burn me
Just one time, just one time

Taylor Swift

I like to think that I am someone who has a very bright and positive outlook on life. Except when it comes to relationships, I haven’t had “luck”. I have come across men that see just how good, motivated, driven I am but none of them want to rise to my level to keep me in their lives and they’d rather just walk away. In hindsight, some of them wouldn’t have made good partners, something I didn’t notice at the time, but they have made good friends.

It’s been an uphill battle for me to feel and know that I am worthy of love, I grew up feeling like no one would like me, much less love me, because I was fat or because I was “too much”. More than once I heard things like “men don’t like that”, as if I needed to cater to them. Saw many movies in which the fat characters were the comedic relief. In others the women that had high standards were regarded too much, or if they had careers they were the single, drunk, fun aunt. Women had to take up the least amount of space, not be needy, couldn’t speak their mind, otherwise no one would want to have a relationship with them. At a lot of points in my life I have been made to feel like I was not good enough.

I find that I write when I’m at extremes, either I am not feeling great or I am feeling my best. Right now, I am in the middle, it feels like both the worse and the best moment.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life
Got a feeling your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life
And I want you now, wanna need you forever
In the heat of your electric touch

Taylor Swift

In “Electric Touch” Taylor Swift talks about how it just takes one time to get “it” right. She also goes into talking about how she hopes that this time the fire won’t burn her. This relationship will either break her heart or bring it back to life. This song is very on-point with how I’m feeling at this moment. I lost my hope that I’ll find my person, people that I love tell me over and over how when I’m least expecting it they will pop up. That hasn’t happened so far. I have worked on myself, I am at a better place than I was last year, for example. I found myself, I don’t let society’s standards of beauty dictate what I wear, who I date, how I feel about myself. I heard that once I did those things that person would come. I didn’t do it for that imaginary person, I did it for myself, and boy is it better to love yourself despite what others say rather than hate everything about yourself, but they haven’t arrived. He hasn’t arrived.

As I was about to give up on finding someone, I met someone, someone who compliments me, wants me, likes me. Meeting this person, going out on dates, kissing them, made me have hope, maybe I have found my person, I knew it was too early to determine anything but it gave me hope. It happened very quick, I had never clicked that fast with someone, we went out for the first time. I got to the restaurant first, got us a table, and then as soon as he sat down, he grabbed my hands. At first it felt awkward, weird, but mostly my heart was trying to fall off my chest, then it felt normal, natural as if we had been doing it forever, as if it wasn’t the first time. During dinner, we talked about our likes, working out, our lives, he complimented my outfit, my accessories, it just made me blush and he loved it. He paid for the bill, we decided to walk around after eating and I wanted to change my shoes, as I was wearing heels and they’re definitely not made to walk, just before I sat down to swap them, he turned me towards him and kissed me. It was unexpected but felt very nice. I swear I felt I was in a movie, you know the scene, two characters are on a date, and he grabs her arm and in slow motion, spins her towards him so he can meet her lips, holds her hips and pulls them towards him as he deepens the kiss. That’s how it felt. During the night he stole a lot more kisses and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. We didn’t feel like strangers.


As we were navigating things, this person realized that maybe he wasn’t ready to offer me what I deserved. Which shattered the shred of hope I had. At the same time I realized I had my own anxieties in relationships which made me understand maybe I wasn’t as ready for a relationship as much as I wanted it. As we were both learning about ourselves in a relationship, we decided to keep navigating things together and as we kept hanging out we found out how much we liked each other. We hit road bumps for sure, I am a very outgoing motivated person, he’s much more reserved. Our first fight, we pushed a lot of buttons, unknowingly of course. But we both felt we could get to a point we were both comfortable, we both want to keep the other around and we want to make it work.

My hope was that I didn’t get burned, I am tired of having people to come into my life just for me to learn a lesson, I can be happy and learn a lesson, those things are not exclusive. I gave it my best effort, yet it wasn’t enough. All the sweetness, all the stolen kisses, ended up being a lie. He thought we’d be a good match and he went all in — found out we weren’t and after giving me the high, left me. Even though I was clear time and time again that we should take things slow.

If anything is a lesson here — never let people walk over your boundaries. Be skeptical, it’s easy to miss the red flags. It’s easy to mistake the lack of peace, the stress and anxiety with something else. I thought all the bad feelings were my thoughts of not being enough, when in reality, it was my body’s way of protecting me by letting me know he wasn’t my person, I know better now. And I will do better.

To you, fuck you. You disguised yourself as this sweet, kind guy when in reality you’re the worst kind of man.

I got burned and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

P.S. I have had this in my queue for monthssss, it was time to polish it and publish it.

As always,

With love (except you),

Carolyn

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I’m the problem, it’s me.

I’m the problem, it’s me.

When you don’t look like society’s standard of beauty you grow up being ridiculed because you’re “too fat” or whatever attribute they deemed ugly, it would get pointed out. At one point in my life I weighed 150lbs, and I remember feeling too fat, too ugly, too little. Mom and sister both were skinny, I was the only fat one. Dad was fat as were a lot of the men in my life, but for some reason they’re not held to the same standards. I felt inadequate. They couldn’t relate. It didn’t help that everyone around me would make the same idiotic comments: “Carolyn, you’re fat, that’s not healthy for you. Maybe you should lose it.” Well gee Aunt Tina, I did not know that fact, thanks for letting me know! My parents were no better, and I get that the comments from certain people were coming from a place of love, and care. But at the same time, when they’re 1. Unsolicited and 2. Given without any solution, the comments are useless. I own a mirror, I know I’m fat and I know it’s not healthy. None offered to join me in a gym, none cooked healthier foods for me (when I was a minor and not in charge of my own meals of course). I always figured there’d be a time where I’d go to the gym and I’d lose the weight. Only problem is that I always postponed that. For whatever reason, I’d always find an excuse. Not one of my greatest moments. Looking back when I was “fat”, I was quite literally a few pounds away from a healthy weight. I’ve been suggested Herbalife, I’ve been criticized for how much butter I put on a toast… think of criticism, I’ve probably gotten it.

I’m the problem, it’s me

Taylor Swift

Since I have memory I have always wanted to be skinny. Even when I was 150lbs. Whenever I look, at the rare pictures that exist, I could have lost a few pounds, was I as fat as I thought? No, absolutely not. I have always felt I needed to lose the weight to feel good with myself. Until I lost it I wouldn’t feel good. I didn’t like feeling inadequate, ugly, fat, or that I was taking up too much space. At several points in my life I have joined gyms. I would go, highly pumped… for a whole month, and because I wouldn’t see results in that short time, I would get discouraged and I stopped going. I was expecting results in a month for something that had been years in the making. None of the people that would critique me ever joined me. All encouraged me from afar, no one put their money where their mouth was. I’m not proud of the times I quit, but it is what it is.

I’m not proud I quit, but it is what it is.

Circa 2008. What the fuck am I wearing? 😭 I was living in a tropical island, it was hot. Why am I wearing and ugly ass shirt and an ugly ass jacket? Don’t get me started on those baggy jeans… Oh and you can’t see the hair, but that’s another hot mess.

I always had this idea that fat = ugly and I felt bad about myself, I just wanted to hide. I hated cameras! There’s evidence of those times, but not a lot (hence the really bad cropped pictures I am showing here), I really lost a lot of memories because I didn’t like capturing my fatness, I didn’t want to be reminded at the time. That’s how bad I felt about myself. And it’s sad, no one should be made to feel like that. I look at pictures of my friends in high school and I’m not in a lot of them, I would take them but I’d never be in them. And the ones that do exist I look fucking terrible. For fuck’s sake, I would dress so bad. But that only speaks to the level of confidence I had at the time, which was essentially none. Oh and on top of it I’m tall for a woman, so not only was I fat, I was very tall, everything about me was very difficult to hide. It pains me to look back at those pictures, not because I was fat, but because I see that insecure little girl that never felt pretty enough because she was fat. I also missed out on so many things. I didn’t do a lot of things, I didn’t take enough pictures, I would wear the most hideous things ever, again, it’s very sad I lost so much because of that.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I’m a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out
Slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Taylor Swift
Circa 2010. This wasn’t any better. Two shirts, a longer one hiding my arms, and then one on top? Why did I think this was okay?! Here the hair is more noticeable…

My confidence had always been close to zero, fat people can’t be pretty can they? So why would I feel any confidence? There’s not much representation of fat people in the media, no one looked like me. Insecurities built up, for me this translated into baggy clothes, long sleeves, layers of clothes all in order to hide the fat. Of course, I was not hiding anything, I was just looking fucking terrible in the process. I mean, that’s all looking at it retroactively, I am pretty sure at the time I thought I looked great. Well, never hot, I had never found myself looking hot, there are always Jennifer Annistons walking around, I could never measure… Even though I loved it, part of the reason I cut off my hair into a pixie cut (inspired from Ginnifer Goodwin), was because I would not know how to handle my long hair. I never felt I could do or wear “girly” stuff because I was fat, you’ll see that I looked like a tomboy for a hot second there, that’s all I felt comfortable in.

Circa 2017. I doubt I ever wore this dress outside without a jacket or a cardigan. I hated those arms.

There’s not a lot of fat people portrayed in the media, though we are seeing more each day, but not when I was a kid. Those that were, were just made fun of. Being fat is funny (sarcasm). The fat character was always the comic relief. They were never the love interest, they were the funny-reliable-relatable best friend. I never felt identified with any character on TV, the were not a lot of fat people, much less fat women. There’s this moment that replays in my mind every once in a while, I was in elementary school and girls are forced to wear skirts (even though pants cover up much better), very little schools allowed us to use pants, but even then, sometimes we couldn’t afford both the skirt and pants, so skirt it was… anyway, there was this kid I had a crush with, and I guess he knew, not sure, so I’m walking upstairs and if you were standing below them, you could see up all of our skirts, he’s standing below and looked up and said “eww”. It’s almost 20 years later and I still remember, that clearly scarred me. Outside of school I’d never wear a skirt, if I did certainly not one short enough that you could see my thighs (there were some rare occasions but just know I was very uncomfortable). I would never wear sleeveless shirts, or dresses, my bathing suits consisted of shorts and a shirt, I encountered many instances of going to a pool and having anxiety because it stated that bathing suits were required. I would always be wondering if I’d be allowed in or if in this instance I’d be kicked out. Wearing shirts with sleeves allowed me to hide my chubby arms, but who was I really fooling? You can still see it, you just can’t see the skin, my mind lied to me that this was better. First time I wore a sleeveless dress, that was just right above my knee was 2017/2018. I was 24 years old, this means I had basically spent most —if not all— of those 24 years, hiding my body. It also didn’t help that I was raised in a pretty strict-Christian household, it was nowhere near as strict as what my parents encountered when they were growing up, but strict. In the church, there seems to be this idea that to appear Christian, you have to look bland, I’d call it ugly, but I don’t know what they would call it. If I had a penny for the amount of people I saw looking the ugliest a person can look… I’d be rich. And this is not talking at all about their physical appearance, this is talking about their dress choices. I get that there’s modesty involved with being Christian but you can be modest and still look good, something the people I encountered growing up did not know, or chose to ignore, I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that I inherited insecurities from the adults around me, not necessarily on purpose but it’s what happens with people, we project our insecurities onto others. “Cross your legs, ladies do not sit like that” or “lower your skirt! There’s people around!” or my very favorite, the chaos whenever your bra strap slipped over, as if people didn’t know women wore bras…. And don’t get me wrong, we don’t want people looking up our clothes and we want to be modest but at the same time there shouldn’t be the taboo there is.

Circa 2018, Blue Lagoon. This is the only image I have of me ever wearing a bathing suit without any shorts. I did not want that documented.

Summer of 2018 I took an impromptu trip to Iceland, when I went to the Blue Lagoon I had a one piece bathing suit, one of the first times I had ever worn one. With a short pant of course, you can’t be showing thighs, fat thighs are ugly and no one wants to see that… my friend and I had to use bathrooms far from each other and she had my shorts in her bag, I can’t recall why. So when I’m putting my bathing suit on, I found I didn’t have the shorts with me, so I had to put my metaphorical big girl pants on and walk out wearing only the one piece bathing suit. By the time I found my friend, I had lost the shame and I decided to just not wear the shorts. I was still nervous when I went in and out of the water, but I did it. That was the first time I’ve ever worn a bathing suit without any cover up. It wouldn’t repeat itself until this year, but instead of a one piece, I wore a two piece, high waist bottoms, sure, but still. After a lifetime of feeling ashamed, in 2022, I finally felt comfortable in my own body. But I’ll get to that later. The summer of 2018 was important in my growth, it was the first time I had worn a sleeveless dress and a one-piece bathing suit without shorts. I would go to wear more dresses, makeup, especially a matte-red that everyone compliments on me. It also didn’t help that the world closed in 2020, I gained weight, lost the weight. I don’t like to think I’m the person that looks from validation from other people, but I am, though now that I know, I’m aiming to validate myself. I don’t need someone to find me pretty to feel pretty. That summer was also the first time that I liked someone and I wasn’t concerned about whether or not they wouldn’t like me because of my body. I was slowly shedding the insecurities.

2022, Puerto Rico. This woman is living her best life. You see that smile? I was also in Puerto Rico, my homeland, that I hadn’t seen in over two years. Wearing this two-piece bathing suit, short-less and very happy.

I was slowly shedding the insecurities.

Summer of 2022, I matched with a guy on a dating app, I wasn’t sure about him, too young, his profile pictures were terrible, but I decided to give it a shot. He was very attracted to me, and at any given point he’d let me know. This made me want to look pretty for him, I’d go on to dress up so he’d see how pretty I was. In doing so I started feeling myself. I started wearing things I would have never worn, I bought lingerie, leather skirts, bodysuits, I realized I had nice clothes, but there were even nicer things I could get. In my mind there was a line on what stuff fat people could and couldn’t use. Turns out it was a fucking lie. I found out I look smoking hot wearing a leather skirt, that it accentuated my fat? Yes, did I still wear it? Also yes. All of this was in part for him, that’s how it started but then somewhere along the way, it started being for myself and if he liked it was a huge plus. It felt very nice to be wanted. It took me a while to understand that it needed to be for me, rather than him, because it got to a point that I was looking for validation from him. He needed to tell me I looked hot, to feel hot. This was also the first time I looked at myself and thought I was hot, it was no longer a label exclusive for the Jennifer Anistons of the world. At the moment he withdrew his validation, I wavered, man did I waver… But then I found myself, I realized it had never been for him, it had been for me. His loss really. He met this very insecure woman and unknowingly allowed her to find herself and when he left, she was not the same person, again, his loss, who doesn’t want a woman that feels confidence in herself, her body whichever way it looks at any given point? I still want and like to be told I look good, who doesn’t? But I also don’t need it to feel myself or to wear something I like. I sent my aunt a picture and she replied with: “confidence looks good on you.” And that’s something I had never felt. I walked out in public wearing a leather bra, skirt, and a sheer top. I WOULD HAVE NEVER. But did I? You bet I did.

Carolyn, 2022, Toronto, Ontario. I am officially calling this the “Carolyn leather era” (sounds naughty in Spanish lol). See the difference? I am fucking feeling myself. I still feel a little conscious but fuck it.

Confidence looks good on you.

My aunt

Am I the problem? Abso-fucking-lutely not. The problem is society fucking up with anyone that’s not a size zero. This is not in any way of form criticism to size zeros, it’s to the people that tiered who deserves to be respected and who doesn’t. I deserve to feel happy wearing whatever I want to wear. I realized I gave people too much power, I get to decide how I feel about myself and no one gets to dictate what is good or bad for me. No one is walking in my shoes, I am, no one knows what I go through, what goes through my mind or what I am working towards.

2022. As I post this, I feel a little conscious about how you can see how my fat looks through this skirt, something I’ve spent years hiding. But I am deciding to concentrate on how fucking hot I look.

My goal with this post is to, hopefully, inspire you, if you’re anything like me, my best advice is to fuck all the people that have made you feel inadequate, wear whatever the fuck you want, if you love it, wear it. Wear it confidently, or fake it until you make it. Do all the things you want to do, don’t follow in my footsteps and don’t miss out on things, your family, friends and people that love you, will thank you. You will regret all those instances where you missed out. I know I do. But no more.

As always,

With love,

Carolyn

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When We Were Young

When We Were Young

“Everyone here is watching you because you feel like home” – Adele

Due to life and human behavior, last year I ended a 8-year old friendship with one my best friends (whom we will call Sam). It was with the help of a another friend but nonetheless my decision. Seeing the response to my distancing text (which in retrospect should have been a conversation but honestly I had had enough), my then-friend responded distant instead of trying to keep me close and maintain our friendship. How we got there came from numerous places, a lot which I don’t remember. What I do know is that I could have been more vocal instead of letting him get away with a lot of things for the sake of our friendship. Which is why I needed help in taking the final step. But I think a lot, if not all of the problem that led us there started years ago, we just weren’t truthful with each other. We met during high school started being friends and I had a crush and similar to your cliche rom-com, it was not reciprocated and God knows why, it took me years to get over it. While telling myself I was over it, of course, it’s just now, looking back that I realized I wasn’t. To some extent still am not. Difference is, back then, things used to bother me so much more to the point of affecting me and affecting my actions, not to say that nothing gets to me now but I’ve managed to try not let as many things get to me as before. He would say things I wanted to hear so I wouldn’t keep pressing on it and both of us were wrong, I shouldn’t have pushed, he shouldn’t have said things he didn’t mean to do. But he would, and I would go along with it instead of being firm and calling it out. So I guess we’re both to blame there.

A year passed since I “broke up” with Sam, a year of wanting to pick up the phone and wanting to fix things, that’s what I do, I try to fix things. Maybe I don’t but at least I tried. A year of enduring a lot of shit by myself because I didn’t have my best buddy to call or to get to stop by. But I had to keep reminding myself that while yes, I told him to stay away, more than what I said, his actions (and mine) led me there. But it still didn’t make me feel any less crappy. And I would have been the world’s biggest hypocrite if I picked the phone and called because I needed something after calling it quits… I’m a very touchy-emotional person and having to break with one of your best friends was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But I did for the good of my mental health. The last few months, whenever we saw each other it was nothing but little fights and passive aggressive comments and when I sent that definitive text didn’t get nothing but a goodbye text instead of a “let’s try to talk this out, this is too rash” or called me out like “this isn’t you, what’s going on?” so I figured I made the right decision; Sam didn’t care so why should I? But I did, so much that a year later (aka., a few weeks ago) I decided to send out a text, not expecting anything back if I’m being honest, Sam is not one to reply too often, I figured that after everything he had blocked my number or that had even changed numbers; I sent it because I felt bad how we had left things. Turns out we were finally on the same page. Figure that one out! He had been wanting to reach out but out of “respect” to what I said, hadn’t. I think it’s bullshit, if you want to reach out to someone, do it, they might be feeling the same way. Clearly, we were but sure, I understand that I drew a very definitive line. We went out and managed to work it out. But I missed out on a few good (and bad) things that happened so I’m still bummed about that. To be honest seeing him against almost felt like no time had passed. Yeah, I missed important things, but he was still the same person (except eating habits, vegan? Really?). The topic of how I decided to walk away came up and he replied that he knew I didn’t arrive to that conclusion by myself, when I questioned how he knew: “because I know you, and that wasn’t you” which was nice to hear. Guess he does know me indeed, but he agreed that I had to look out for myself first even if that was what I had to do.

This post is titled after Adele’s song from 25 and it started with a quote from the same song. This is due to several things. We used to fangirl to Adele a lot (so I thought it’d be a nice reminiscing thing) and I hadn’t listened to her music in a long time and recently got back into it and remembered how much this song has always reminded me of him. Not necessarily because the story is familiar but because the description of the guy fits him. He might not think so but people adore him, either because he’s utterly oblivious or because he’s that humble and doesn’t think they should. Who knows? But I see it often, girls get so smitten, I can’t blame them though. I said before “to some extent I still have a crush” yeah, that shit got stirred up when we met again. Things that I didn’t know were there came knocking at the door. Had you asked me a year ago: “hey, do you still like him?” I would have said no and wouldn’t have been lying. But now? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s not that at all. Maybe it’s just all the excitement of having my friend back. Neither of us thought we’d see each other again. And it’s not like I’m siting in a corner waiting to hear how much he likes me either. I’ve done the “liking your friend that doesn’t like you” before at least twice, it sucks for all of five minutes and you move on. I’ve learned that as long as you know boundaries you can be friends, heck, best friends with someone you like. I’ve seen it happen. Some of you on the other side might be groaning “friend zone!” or “that’s a crappy situation to be in” and you could be right, but also, situations are what we make of them. I can choose to feel crappy because they don’t like me back or I can choose to feel good because I have them as friends. Not the same, true, but why feel crappy on purpose? Am I supposed to cut off every person I like because they don’t like me back? No, we’re grown ups and grown ups can learn to work with the situations they’re put in (or are supposed to haha). Count your blessings and don’t care where they came from. There are not a lot of good people on this planet and the ones that choose to spend their time with you even if it’s not how you wanted still warrants affection and respect. Time is precious.

This seems like “omg she’s settling for the friend”, and not really. Look, I’ll admit it sucks liking someone that doesn’t like you back, but it also feels good as hell to have adult relationships where you’re both mature and can keep being friends in spite of a silly things like that. I mean sure, I’ve also lost friendships for the same shit (if you’ve read the previous blog posts you know what I’m talking about, if not I talk about it in The End is a Beginning and Live and Learn and I also mention a little bit of what happened with the friend I talk about here) but that’s just an example of how not all people are the same. And the ones willing to stick with you in spite of circumstances are the ones that are worthy of you and your time. So choose your friends wisely, your time is valuable; so is theirs. Appreciate it.

This started like a sappy post and I guess it ended like one. But I am honestly happy. It’s not everyday you get to welcome back your best friend. After doing one of the hardest things I had ever done, and having solved it 13 months after, seems like it was in vain, and maybe, but I also think we needed time, maybe not 13 whole months, but that’s how it happened and there’s nothing we can do. We could have handled it better for sure… but I guess we’re now stronger because of it.

I’ll keep you guys updated 😉

Carolyn

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Chile: First Trip to South America

Chile: First Trip to South America

To be honest, I have never thought of traveling to Chile. In fact, I never wanted to travel to Latin America (the why is a whole other story). Actually, that’s a lie, I want to go to Cuba, but again, that’s another story. Anyway, there was the possibility of traveling to Chile for a conference —yay work!— I did not know much about Chile, aside from the fact that it is located in South America, it is long and narrow and it goes all the way down to the south of the continent to Tierra del Fuego, a territory shared with Argentina.

Once I knew I was going officially, which was like a month before, I started researching Chile. I did not want to go to a country before reading about it (in hindsight I should have done the same with Iceland as well). I was also traveling two days before to be able to sightsee, go to different towns, museums, etc., all before the conference, since I was not going to have time after. But back my research, oh the things I learned! I read about Chile’s dictator Augusto Pinochet; I had heard his name, but would not have been able to associate it with Chile. Long story short, in 1970 Salvador Allende, a socialist, was elected President of Chile. This did not sit well with a lot of people, —the US included—, so the latter invested money in the opposition so Allende would not win and/or unseat him. They were even involved in the coup d’état of 1973 by military general Pinochet and for 16 years he ruled. I am limiting my opinions on this since I want to talk more about the sights. But I might get into the politics later.

TRAVEL DAY (Thursday)! I had everything ready, I was running some last errands before going to the airport, I had to be there at 4pm, but at 2pm I get a message that the flight might be delayed. We rush out and try to call the airline on our way and they say that they could put me in the 3.30pm flight but it was 3 by then and I was still 30 minutes out, in summary, I was NOT going to make it. In fact I did not make it. Once I get to the airport all flights to my connection are cancelled. Yay! They were “trying” to help but truthfully, they were not being very helpful by telling me that the only flights out would be the following Monday or Tuesday, meaning I would get there Tuesday or Wednesday, respectively, effectively missing a good part of my conference and my sightseeing days. There were various flights out, but they were all supposedly First Class (though I could purchase economy through their website, so they could have been lying). They put me on standby for Friday, but they were not sure of multiple things: 1. That that flight would even make it out 2. That even if it did, I could get on it. So, after hours and hours on the counter and telling me she could not bump me to First Class, she booked a First Class ticket for Saturday. On Friday I had to drive to the airport, again, where they told me that there was no way I was getting into that flight, there were 15 people in front of me on standby, so that left the Saturday flight: FIRST CLASS! To be fair, it was glorious, the lounge, the showers, but in all honesty, it is over rated: too much money, for relatively cheap stuff. The seat in the plane was comfortable and the food as well, but it is still airplane food.

A few months ago I wrote about hating the 6hr flight to Iceland… well, this time it was a 14hr flight. At least it was not a direct flight, first flight was around 3hrs, I had a 5hr layover and then 8hrs directly to Chile. I got sick on the plane, had to sleep for most of it and I couldn’t eat anything. So finally, I made it to Chile, the plane landed in the furthest gate ever (they are reconstructing and it was a new wing, so they are kind of forgiven) , I swear it probably took me like 15 minutes (or more) to get to the front. Here, the Carolyn stories started. I planned on Ubering to the hotel, little did I know that I could not get an Uber from the airport, so a taxi driver took me, he told me the amount, but I was still getting used to the currency and he scammed me off… a little bit… To be fair, he did take me to exchange currency, but from a normal $28 fare, he charged me almost $55 and made me tip him which made it a total of almost $60… At least he did not rob me, I thought. I got to my hotel but I could not check in yet, it was 10 am. Ok, I am a little embarrassed to say this, but I read a lot of stories of people getting robbed in Chile that I was scared of going out by myself, so I basically stayed in until they let me check in. Afterward, people from my cohort (they arrived days earlier), told me that they were taking a trip up to The Andes and I could not say no to that trip. I’ll say a few things, it is not for the faint of heart, or for people that get dizzy with curves (cough, cough, which I am). But it was SO worth it.

This was basically the road up the mountain, a one way line, except for a few places, and mountains right and left. Once you drive for around twenty minutes, you find yourself in front of about 40 curves, or more, they count up only to like 23-30 but I counted more (maybe they are just counting very narrow curves or something).

This video was very early on our way up, if you notice one of the curves, there is a ‘5’ sign, they are counting the curves as we go up…

This is what you start to see as you go up… yup… buildings. Not what I expected either, you would think they would keep that as sacred patrimony, but eh, what do I know? It is a stunning view, nonetheless.

For a moment I thought I was in Europe, this looks very European, but then I remembered that Chile has a lot of European immigrants due to various reasons, for example Germans seeking refuge after WWII. Apparently they are the largest immigrant group in Chile after Bolivians, Peruvians, Spaniards and Italians.

We keep going up, we are not at the top yet.

Winter was over, which is why we do not see any snow on here, but to be honest, I did not expect it to be a dessert. I guess I thought mountains, and I thought about the ones back home which are green and full of life (there is life here as well, of course), but it is two different weathers and ours would not survive a winter like the ones they have here. By the way, one of the places we stopped at, it was so quiet that you could drop a needle and hear it. I am definitely not joking.

This side of the mountain was gracious enough to keep some of its snow for show for us. Gorgeous, is it not? Some people were still skiing!

Probably my favorite picture I took in Chile, the difference left and right, snow and no snow, the shade, the blue sky, the snow below. I love it.

And since capitalism never fails, HOTELS! They are stunning and aesthetically pleasing, but still, my “save the planet” feelings could not help but be crushed.

To be fair, if it did not take a million curves to get here, I would probably want to live up here hahaha.

Just some evidence that I was, indeed, at 3,000 meters (they use the dot as we do commas. As a matter of fact, they do in most (if not all) of Latin America. It’s just that PR is so colonized that… I am stopping) aka roughly 9,482 feet.

Next day we head to Valparaiso, where I was supposed to stay my first two days, before my flight got cancelled. Beautiful town, so lively, though some people kept staring at us and I was afraid they’d rob us hahaha. To be fair to them, I was in Chile with another Spanish-speaking individual and two English speakers so we were speaking in English, and that turns heads in any non-English speaking country.

As you can see, there are paints on a lot of the walls, very colorful, so pretty. I loved this so much.

We got to go to the Federico Santa María Technical University. It looks like a castle, and it is an old building but it is oh so nice and it has that amazing view of the Pacific (which I fully intended to take a dip in -at least a toe-, before: 1. My flight got delayed and did not spend any time in town 2. Temperatures were in the 50s with lots of wind).

That day in the afternoon we were taken to the host’s house for the “opening celebration”, let’s call it. This was the view from his house… Freaking amazing! It was more impressive in person, to be honest. This picture does not do it any justice.

The following day we were taken to a wine tasting. It was ravishing as you can see. We got to see an old wine cellar, where they kept barrels (old ones as they only use them once or twice) and tasted three different wines, I even brought one back home, which I am dying to taste but am saving for a special occasion, Chilean wine will not be easy to come by now :'(.

Pontifical Catholic University of Chile, where the conference was held. I took some other pictures, but I loved these buildings! A copper building and a ‘Y’? And also, what is up with the outer glass ‘skin’ thing that building has got going on? Love it, love it.

But of course it is not a trip if I do not make some friends along the way. I met someone from England, though he sounds Scottish, I do not have a well developed ear to know the difference. I was just happy I could understand anything. I met a French, something interesting about accents actually, the French guy speaks Spanish as well. In Spanish, he does not sound French. In fact he sounds Mexican. But in English, he has a typical french accent (can you guys tell that I really love accents since I am making a whole paragraph on people’s accents? Ok). I met someone from the US, Mexicans and of course, Chileans. Funny thing about Chileans, we were told non-stop that they often ended their words/sentences with ‘po’, to be honest, I spend a good chunk of my time trying to find it and for the life of me could not. Then I heard it, I was low-key proud of myself, but the thing is, they speak so fast and say it so subtlety that you miss it. And talking about accents, I was at a restaurant shamefully speaking in English with the people I came with, while talking in Spanish to the waiter and at one point he says to me: your Spanish is really good! I go: “Well, I am from Puerto Rico”, he goes: “No wonder! I was going to say that it even sounds Latin!” For a moment I did not know wether to take it as an insult… I decided to just laugh and not think too much about it.

Yes, mom, I am -most of the time- the only girl. Mom, I work in a STEM field, by definition there are not that many girls and I was in Latin America, which means even fewer. Mom, they are good people. Yes mom, I was careful.

To end this. I need to go back, need to see museums that I meant to. According to Google, they have the oldest Museum of Fine Arts in South America. Plus, I know people over there now. I can bother them when I go back and can try and get them to join me to places. But Chile was amazing, delayed trip, scared of getting robbed and little sightseeing included.

Wait! I got one more story… two actually. So this one day I am trying to get an Uber back to the hotel, my phone died. The person I am with is trying to get me one as well, Uber was not working. So they walk me to the train station and leave me there, I was not 100% sure of the train stop, I did remember someone said which one it was and I prayed to God that was the one. I asked a cop in the train station, but he did not know. I took the train and when I get off, I am not sure which exit to take so I just walk to one. Once outside I start shitting my pants because I do not recognize anything and I was afraid to look lost hahaha. Finally, I recognized something so I start walking towards it and see a cop and I ask him if he can direct me to me hotel. He looks confused/clueless and turns and points up to the huge flashy “Crowne Hotel” sign. I was like: “Oh, how do I get there?” And he goes: “walk a block and it will be on your left.” He probably had the laugh of the day.

The second story is that I took an Uber to the airport and apparently they are not legalized yet. Somehow, the driver was unaware of this and dropped me off at the entrance of the airport and when I got off the car, a cop stopped me and asked me all sorts of questions. In that moment I swear I thought I was going to get arrested or something, with like 3 hrs left to leave! They let me go but it was a huge scary moment.

Ok, now I am done.

P.S. I saw some good-looking Chileans. I would be willing to break my Cuban-marrying rule!

Carolyn

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Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging

Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging

So, I took a personality test. I wanted to know what it had to say about me, if it could explain why I am the way that I am. And in this post I will try to dissect the answer it gave me and make sense of it. So, after answering that long personality quiz, the first thing that I saw was: “Defender personality, ISFJ“, which stands for Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging. I wasn’t sure what all of this meant so I googled, for introversion I found meant: “…tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations“. Sensing: “…tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities“. Feeling: “…tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.” Judging: “…tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.”

While the test is not 100% accurate for me, it was true for the most part. Anyone that knows me will say that I am not quiet and reserved and they would be correct. I am an extrovert with those close to me, friends and family, but if I don’t know someone I will be so quiet and shy, that they wouldn’t recognize me. It is true that I prefer the close circle than a big circle, and I do spend a lot of energy. I felt a little attacked when I read that I focus a lot in small details rather than the big picture. Which is half true. I do focus in those small details, but I also look at the big picture. And for sure I love something concrete rather than something abstract. I am trying to improve the part where my decisions are emotional rather than logical, and to some extent it is working, but it is still a work in progress. Lastly, of course I plan everything beforehand, I like to know all the possibilities before diving in. Don’t you..?

But then there’s this phrase: “Defenders are often receptive to change and new ideas“… How about no? Ok, look, when I need to move onto a new facet of my life I will do it. It doesn’t mean that I like it, it means that it’s necessary. But everything needs to be carefully planned. And about the “new ideas“? Well, again, I just need sufficient planning. “Defenders are true altruists, meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess and engaging the work and people they believe in with enthusiasm and generosity.” This part particularly fits me. Everyone that knows me -truly knows me-, knows this to be true. It’s actually one of the reasons that it’s been hard to make friends in the States, because there’s no such thing as “meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess“, I’ve had my hands full when walking from my car to my apartment -and it’s clear I need help/I’m struggling- and I’ve had either neighbors help me out by simply opening a door and I’ve had neighbors that won’t help me at all. This is part of the reason why I’ve gotten into trouble with people, they don’t get how -or even why- I’m so enthusiastic all the time. Which is not necessarily true, but I like to project that because there’s enough sadness in the world, you know? So while I might be bummed out inside, I will try my best to be cheerful.

Fun fact: There’s only 13% of us ISFJ’s. No wonder we’re so rare.

“Defender personalities are often meticulous to the point of perfectionism, and though they procrastinate, they can always be relied on to get the job done on time.” This is another part that fits me to a T. I tend to be a perfectionist, even though I have been working on it. Because not everything can or will be perfect. I procrastinate to no end, but everything is always done on time, which is the reason I procrastinate, though I know I need to do better. “…take their responsibilities personally, consistently going above and beyond, doing everything they can to exceed expectations and delight others, at work and at home.” Work, yes, home, maybe not so much. I am not much of a family person. I love my family, but as a whole we’re not very close, the person I talk to the most is my dad. But the rest, not so much, only here and there. Which is a shame, because when I see other families and they’re all together and they all get along, I get jealous. So, to some extent, I want that too, but we’re all so different as a family, and it wasn’t something that we were taught or encouraged.

“They have a tendency to underplay their accomplishments, and while their kindness is often respected, more cynical and selfish people are likely to take advantage of their dedication and humbleness…” This one specifically speaks to me, because I don’t like to be praised, I get super shy when someone praises me and I’ve been taken advantage of more times than I can remember. That quote continues as: “…need to know when to say no and stand up for themselves if they are to maintain their confidence and enthusiasm.” It’s funny because it is something I’m currently struggling with. I know I need to stand up for myself, but I feel it will cause more trouble than it’s worth and then I’m going to end up like the bad guy.

“Naturally social, an odd quality for Introverts…” I feel… attacked. I am very social, and people think I’m an extrovert, but I am not, not really. I am very shy when I don’t know someone, of course after I know them I’m hell on heels, but otherwise no. I have a special problem with this one: “...coworkers, whom people with the Defender personality type often consider their personal friends.“, specially because I don’t know how to do things half-way, I am an all-or-nothing gal. I have a lot of troubles with the gray area. I don’t exactly sure if it’s a good or bad thing but that’s how I am, there are a lot of things that I know I could improve on, but I don’t know if this is one of those.

“…rarely sitting idle while a worthy cause remains unfinished…. ability to connect with others on an intimate level is unrivaled among Introverts, and the joy they experience in using those connections to maintain a supportive, happy family is a gift for everyone involved…” Yes, a hundred times, yes. It’s hard for me to sit idle when I can do something about, well, something. I struggled for the longest time whether to help someone or not. I thought about it night and day. And I ended up not helping because I didn’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable. That’s another problem I have. I put myself in other’s peoples shoes, maybe way too much.

Strengths:

  1. Supportive: …universal helpers, sharing their knowledge, experience, time and energy with anyone who needs it… they strive for win-win situations, choosing empathy over judgment whenever possible. (Y.E.S.)
  2. Reliable and Patient: …are meticulous and careful, taking a steady approach and bending with the needs of the situation just enough to accomplish their end goals… not only ensure that things are done to the highest standard, but often go well beyond what is required. (💯)
  3. Imaginative and Observant: …very imaginative, and use this quality as an accessory to empathy, observing others’ emotional states and seeing things from their perspective. (I feel personally attacked again.)
  4. Enthusiastic: …take all this support, reliability and imagination and apply it to something they believe will make a difference in people’s lives – whether fighting poverty with a global initiative or simply making a customer’s day. (I’m enthusiastic, but I am not sure about the whole explanation on this one.)
  5. Loyal and Hard-Working: Given a little time, this enthusiasm grows into loyalty… personalities often form an emotional attachment to the ideas and organizations they’ve dedicated themselves to. Anything short of meeting their obligations with good, hard work fails their own expectations. (Yes, also with people. Which is not the best thing ever.)
  6. Good Practical Skills: …have the practical sense to actually do something with all this altruism… can see the beauty and harmony that they create, because they know that it helps them to care for their friends, family, and anyone else who needs it. (I don’t think this is true. If anything all I’ve created lately is chaos.)

Weaknesses:

  1. Humble and Shy: …this is possibly Defenders’ biggest challenge, as they are so concerned with others’ feelings that they refuse to make their thoughts known, or to take any duly earned credit for their contributions. Defenders’ standards for themselves are also so high that, knowing they could have done some minor aspect of a task better, they often downplay their successes entirely. (So freaking true.)
  2. Take Things Too Personally: …have trouble separating personal and impersonal situations… and any negativity from conflict or criticism can carry over from their professional to their personal lives, and back again. (This is a current struggle. Trying to hang in there.)
  3. Repress Their Feelings: …are private and very sensitive, internalizing their feelings a great deal. Much in the way that they protect others’ feelings, they must protect their own, and this lack of healthy emotional expression can lead to a lot of stress and frustration. (This is equals part true and false, I am very open with a lot of stuff, but really-true feelings is not something I tell everyone and I tell everyone everything. I’m also transparent as hell, which doesn’t help.)
  4. Overload Themselves: …strong senses of duty and perfectionism combine with this aversion to emotional conflict to create a situation where it is far too easy to overload themselves as they struggle silently to meet everyone’s expectations, especially their own. (😬💯)
  5. Reluctant to change: …a situation sometimes needs to reach a breaking point before they are persuaded by circumstance, or the strong personality of a loved one, to alter course. (A thousand times yes, which is bad.)
  6. Too Altruistic: …Being such warm, good-natured people, Defenders are willing to let things slide, to believe that things will get better soon, to not burden others by accepting their offers of help, while their troubles mount unassisted. (What is the number one reason Carolyn stays in friendships for too long when it’s not going anywhere? Because she gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. 😬)

It goes on and on talking about relationships which I’m omitting for now, but it does talk about friendships. “…they also need to be able to connect on a deeper emotional level. It makes sense then that most of Defenders’ friends are made not by random encounters on a wild night out, but through comfortable and consistent contact, as in class or in the workplace where they have the time to get to know each other little by little.” This is super true. All of my friends I met as classmates. There’s no one that I consider friend that is outside of that. It should be consider as a weakness the fact that: “…need a lot of positive feedback, and admitting this need certainly shows vulnerability, but if that vulnerability is well handled, it creates the deep bonds that Defender personalities look for. If badly handled or not reciprocated, it’s hard to see the burgeoning friendship surviving without quite a bit of extra effort.” The perfect examples of this are the friendships I’ve talked about in the past and it’s funny/interesting, because I experienced both so recently. One person handled well that vulnerability, the other didn’t. That translates to still being friends with one, but not with the other.

“…as their friendships develop… a sense of loyalty may push them… to meet their friends’ needs, to the point of neglecting their own… they show this in a few ways, from going clearly out of their ways to stick to trivial commitments, to simply not wanting to disagree or say no for fear of causing turbulence. More cynical types would call this naïve, and may even take advantage of Defenders’ altruism – but these are hardly the type of people who could be called ‘friends’“. This flows with the previous statement, it’s part of the reason my friendship ended. He didn’t understand that this is a default setting for me. Which is the type that last statement is talking about. “The real friends…are the ones Defenders truly cherish for their quality of character and quality of discussion. Defenders aren’t particularly picky about what personality types they make friends with, at least not initially, but because they prefer so strongly to avoid conflict and miscommunication, most of their friends are likely to end up being fairly similar personalities.” This is so, so true. I’ve sat down and made this analysis and it is true, all of my friends are similar to me, of course we have differences but we have a lot of things in common.

It also talks about the workplace. “…can always be relied on for their kindness and ability to listen to concerns, and to find ways to resolve them. Win-win situations are Defenders’ bread and butter, and no one takes quite the same pleasure in finding satisfying resolutions to day-to-day challenges.” It goes on to say: “As subordinates they exemplify the strength of humble dedication… only seek one reward for their work: the satisfaction of knowing that whoever they helped feels heartfelt thanks. On the other hand, this humbleness can hold them back – Defenders are quite unwilling to advertise their achievements, often for fear of creating unnecessary friction.” This is particularly true, it is something I am trying to work with currently, I need to be more extroverted. I need to keep my feet firm on the ground and I need to not let anyone step on me. In workplace topics, naturally, co-workers come up. “Among their colleagues, people with this personality type seek a friction-less environment, a spirit of friends helping friends to get the job done. Close-knit and supportive teams are what Defenders enjoy most, allowing them to express their altruistic spirit among people who rely on their dedication and warmth. Defenders are natural networkers, but they use this skill to keep things running smoothly, not as a tool for professional advancement.” I feel -once again-, personally attacked, this is not necessarily a good thing. I’m being too altruistic right now and I am trying to keep the peace even though my coworkers are doing everything in their power to push me over the edge. I guess they could argue they’re not and they could be right. I might being too dramatic as normal, but I believe this is one of the times that I’m not wrong. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out. It goes onto explaining how people with my personality could be managers/bosses, etc. “…they don’t actually enjoy managing others, but this can be one of their greatest strengths… they are warm, approachable and great listeners… prefer to work alongside their subordinates, organizing people and minimizing conflict. This helps them to create personal relationships with their subordinates, to be friends in the workplace who simply have different sets of responsibilities. While they may be slow to accept some changes, they are great at helping their teams put them into practice once they’ve been agreed on. Defenders may be too sensitive to be fully executive material, but they make exemplary floor and office managers who know what it takes to satisfy their customers.” This last topic is particularly me and it’s not at the same time. I can organize stuff well, but I am not good at bossing people around which is why I’m having trouble. Supposedly, I would make a good one -though not an excellent one- because of all of this mentioned before.

The conclusion circles that: “Few personality types are as practical and dedicated… Known for their reliability and hard work… are good at creating and maintaining a secure and stable environment for themselves… dedication is invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth. Yet Defenders can be easily tripped up in areas where their kind and practical attitude is more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is navigating interpersonal conflicts, confronting unpleasant facts, pursuing self-realization, or managing your workload, you need to put in a conscious effort to develop your weaker traits and additional skills.” I believe, there’s not much left to say…

As I was reading this I felt identified, I felt attacked, and others didn’t fit me but for the most part they did. Whenever I am judging myself, I try to be as neutral as possible because I like to be objective. Of course this is not foolproof, it’s a very flawed system. We, as humans being, tend to overlook all of our faults and it’s something I am currently struggling with. I encourage everyone to take the test, it will help you understand some things about yourself, I know it did for me. It specifically outlined my strengths and weaknesses which was an eye opener and most importantly, it showed me that I am not the only one. That a lot of people struggle with this too, even if it’s just the 13%…

Credits to: https://www.16personalities.com/isfj-personality for the creation of the test and the good studies to understand ourselves.