Category: coming of age

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The Prophecy

“And it was written

I got cursed like Eve got bitten

Oh, was it punishment?”

-Taylor Swift

Most people learn about themselves as teens, and make the big mistakes in their 20s. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that privilege, I was sheltered from a young age and I couldn’t move from that for a very long time. For example, I wasn’t allowed to have or be at sleepovers. The first time my mother allowed me to go to a sleepover was when I was 16-17. These were people I knew since I was 12-13, but it took heavy convincing, and I was never allowed to have one at our house. My mother thinks this is why I’m always angry at her which is fucking laughable. My anger is due to her tone deaf comments, insensitivity, her emotional unavailability, which have never subsided, and by the way, she thinks that her helping me with homework as a child was her going above and beyond? I wish I was kidding, anyway.

She’s also very religious so she didn’t want me to be influenced by non-Christians, and it didn’t matter if they practiced another religion, for her they were all wrong because Protestantism is the one true religion (she’s changed her tune since then). I wished she was right, I wished that it was drugs or alcohol, or reckless sex, but it wasn’t (because she’d be right), it was sleepovers, movie nights, going to the movie theatre, and listening to all kinds of music, that’s what me and my friends did that she didn’t allow me to do for a long time. On this note, she says that I was a good Christian girl until I was brainwashed in college, again, not exaggerating.

I have always craved having a mother that I could tell things to, I remember being jealous of my friends because they had a close relationship with their moms. Throughout my life I have tried including my mother, only for every time I do, she reminds me why I don’t. I remember being a teen and telling a friend of mine that I liked him, I shared that with my mother after the fact, I was like 18, her reaction to that? “Carolyn, men don’t like women that, women that are forward. You need to wait for them to make the first move.” When I was 27, she told me I ruined her Christmas when I told her I got a nose piercing, I was well out of her house by then, now she recants.

“Please

I’ve been on my knees

Change the prophecy

Don’t want money

Just someone who wants my company

Let it once be me

Who do I have to speak to

About if they can redo the prophecy?”

So you see, on one hand I was struggling (mostly alone) with the idea that no man would ever like me because of my personality (thanks mom) and on the other, I have always been fat, so I also thought no one would like me because “who likes fat girls?” (thanks society). A perfect combination for a fucking mess. Moving out of her house gave me the space to start figuring out who I am. What I like, what I don’t like. This proved to be surprisingly hard. Turns out that even though I hadn’t practiced Christianity for years at that point, everything they taught me, all the things I had heard at church in my formative years had taken a very deep hold on me. Intellectually I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong, and I wasn’t, but emotionally, I felt bad about those things.

“Slow is the quicksand

Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand

Oh, still I dream of him”

All this story is a precursor, a summary if you will, so you understand why it took me so long to find myself, to like myself and to actually believe someone would want and like me.

I had to make conscious choices to change that way of thinking. There’s not a manual to guide you through it. Hating your body and thinking people won’t love you, makes it really hard to find someone, because if you hate yourself, how is someone else supposed to love it? Daniel Sloss has a great analogy where he says that if you love yourself 20% and someone comes in to love you 40%, you think that’s a lot, but it is literally less than half. But if you love yourself 100%, someone has to go above and beyond to love you (It’s from his special Jigsaw on Netflix).

So relatively recently I made it, about two years ago I hopped back on dating apps, matched with someone who seemed to be into me, that kind of pushed me to want to look better, dress better, I wanted to impress him you know? I shouldn’t have made all that effort for that person, BUT all the progress I made, feeling better about myself, actually liking me for once, didn’t go away when that ended, which I’m very glad for. Around the same time I had started CrossFit, if nothing else that gave me a boost of confidence for trying things out of my comfort zone. And I haven’t stopped since. All those cute clothes I used to think I couldn’t wear, I have worn, even lingerie, I started liking myself in the body I had.

“…I howl like a wolf at the moon

And I look unstable

Gathered with a coven around a sorcerer’s table”

Simultaneously, I stopped thinking men couldn’t like me. I found that there is actually a bunch that do (whether they’re good for me or not, is a whole other story lol). Unfortunately, every time one didn’t work, I’d find myself reverting to unhealed me and wondered if I had really healed. Because I’d find myself wondering what was wrong with me. I didn’t, and sometimes still don’t, understand why they didn’t work or why I keep crossing paths with the wrong people. In retrospect, I know that before I couldn’t really attract people, not because I wasn’t attractive but because putting myself down isn’t really attractive, I’d tell guys I liked them by saying some variation of “I know you don’t like me, but I do” and remembering that makes me ugh. But now, I was in such a good place, I made so many changes to myself and felt very good about me, how I looked, how I was portraying myself, I was emanating confidence. People took notice, yes, but still I’d get “you’re too good for me/you deserve someone better”, there still wasn’t anyone that liked me, that would fight to keep me in their life, so I wondered if all that work was worth it. I didn’t do the work for anyone other than myself but fuck, I still wanted people to notice. I still wanted to hear someone cared about me, I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by someone.

“I’m so afraid I sealed my fate

No sign of soulmates

I’m just a paperweight

In shades of greige

Spending my last coin so someone will tell me

It’ll be okay”

As a child when I played with my Barbies, they’d get married at around 22 so they could have at least two babies before they were 25. That was learned, a product of my environment. As a teen I grew up disliking the gender roles my mother clung badly (and the ones she taught us). What I never accounted for was that my Barbies didn’t have careers, they just had their houses and cars just because. At 22 I was in my fourth year of my undergraduate degree (finished at 23), then at 25 I was working on my doctorate degree, which I finished at 28. Two degrees under 30. A Latina woman, in STEM, first woman in her family to finish a doctorate degree, second member overall. Who is working in her field. A woman that is many things, kind, thoughtful, wears her heart on her sleeve, gives a lot of herself and will go to the ends of the heart for those she cares about. Yet, she still feels inadequate. I figured once I finished grad school all the chips would fall where they needed, and they haven’t. I am still working through the fact that changing opinions is more than saying you don’t believe something anymore, you have to go in and put in the work, if you don’t all those things you used to believe will come back and bite you in the ass. That Barbie story, even though I don’t believe that I should have (or even could have) had a child at 22, I feel I’m behind, I am finding I haven’t actively changed that thought. I am a fucking doctor who feels hasn’t accomplished anything, make it make fucking sense. That just goes to show what the emphasis on success I was taught by my parents and society, ironically for a long time my mother was a single hardworking woman. I have to redefine my expectations on life, which I hadn’t reevaluated (I hadn’t realized), I don’t have a Time Machine.

I’m starting to make my peace with the fact that it might never work for me. That I have to be perfectly content being the single aunt, that has pets, and travels the world. But I do want the black picket fence, the kids, that suburban life. Will I get that? I don’t know. I do know that I can’t put my life on hold waiting for that, I have to live my life to the fullest, I have to make myself happy in whatever situation I am. Otherwise a lifetime will have passed me by and I would have only been miserable.


Some days I wake up with hope. Not because things are looking bright —they’re still looking bleak but I get glimmers of hope. I deserve good things, I deserve to be loved, cared for, looked after, I deserve to be first choice, and hopefully affirming those to myself will manifest them to life.

As Always,

With Love,

Carolyn

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I’m the problem, it’s me.

I’m the problem, it’s me.

When you don’t look like society’s standard of beauty you grow up being ridiculed because you’re “too fat” or whatever attribute they deemed ugly, it would get pointed out. At one point in my life I weighed 150lbs, and I remember feeling too fat, too ugly, too little. Mom and sister both were skinny, I was the only fat one. Dad was fat as were a lot of the men in my life, but for some reason they’re not held to the same standards. I felt inadequate. They couldn’t relate. It didn’t help that everyone around me would make the same idiotic comments: “Carolyn, you’re fat, that’s not healthy for you. Maybe you should lose it.” Well gee Aunt Tina, I did not know that fact, thanks for letting me know! My parents were no better, and I get that the comments from certain people were coming from a place of love, and care. But at the same time, when they’re 1. Unsolicited and 2. Given without any solution, the comments are useless. I own a mirror, I know I’m fat and I know it’s not healthy. None offered to join me in a gym, none cooked healthier foods for me (when I was a minor and not in charge of my own meals of course). I always figured there’d be a time where I’d go to the gym and I’d lose the weight. Only problem is that I always postponed that. For whatever reason, I’d always find an excuse. Not one of my greatest moments. Looking back when I was “fat”, I was quite literally a few pounds away from a healthy weight. I’ve been suggested Herbalife, I’ve been criticized for how much butter I put on a toast… think of criticism, I’ve probably gotten it.

I’m the problem, it’s me

Taylor Swift

Since I have memory I have always wanted to be skinny. Even when I was 150lbs. Whenever I look, at the rare pictures that exist, I could have lost a few pounds, was I as fat as I thought? No, absolutely not. I have always felt I needed to lose the weight to feel good with myself. Until I lost it I wouldn’t feel good. I didn’t like feeling inadequate, ugly, fat, or that I was taking up too much space. At several points in my life I have joined gyms. I would go, highly pumped… for a whole month, and because I wouldn’t see results in that short time, I would get discouraged and I stopped going. I was expecting results in a month for something that had been years in the making. None of the people that would critique me ever joined me. All encouraged me from afar, no one put their money where their mouth was. I’m not proud of the times I quit, but it is what it is.

I’m not proud I quit, but it is what it is.

Circa 2008. What the fuck am I wearing? 😭 I was living in a tropical island, it was hot. Why am I wearing and ugly ass shirt and an ugly ass jacket? Don’t get me started on those baggy jeans… Oh and you can’t see the hair, but that’s another hot mess.

I always had this idea that fat = ugly and I felt bad about myself, I just wanted to hide. I hated cameras! There’s evidence of those times, but not a lot (hence the really bad cropped pictures I am showing here), I really lost a lot of memories because I didn’t like capturing my fatness, I didn’t want to be reminded at the time. That’s how bad I felt about myself. And it’s sad, no one should be made to feel like that. I look at pictures of my friends in high school and I’m not in a lot of them, I would take them but I’d never be in them. And the ones that do exist I look fucking terrible. For fuck’s sake, I would dress so bad. But that only speaks to the level of confidence I had at the time, which was essentially none. Oh and on top of it I’m tall for a woman, so not only was I fat, I was very tall, everything about me was very difficult to hide. It pains me to look back at those pictures, not because I was fat, but because I see that insecure little girl that never felt pretty enough because she was fat. I also missed out on so many things. I didn’t do a lot of things, I didn’t take enough pictures, I would wear the most hideous things ever, again, it’s very sad I lost so much because of that.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I’m a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out
Slowly lurching toward your favorite city

Taylor Swift
Circa 2010. This wasn’t any better. Two shirts, a longer one hiding my arms, and then one on top? Why did I think this was okay?! Here the hair is more noticeable…

My confidence had always been close to zero, fat people can’t be pretty can they? So why would I feel any confidence? There’s not much representation of fat people in the media, no one looked like me. Insecurities built up, for me this translated into baggy clothes, long sleeves, layers of clothes all in order to hide the fat. Of course, I was not hiding anything, I was just looking fucking terrible in the process. I mean, that’s all looking at it retroactively, I am pretty sure at the time I thought I looked great. Well, never hot, I had never found myself looking hot, there are always Jennifer Annistons walking around, I could never measure… Even though I loved it, part of the reason I cut off my hair into a pixie cut (inspired from Ginnifer Goodwin), was because I would not know how to handle my long hair. I never felt I could do or wear “girly” stuff because I was fat, you’ll see that I looked like a tomboy for a hot second there, that’s all I felt comfortable in.

Circa 2017. I doubt I ever wore this dress outside without a jacket or a cardigan. I hated those arms.

There’s not a lot of fat people portrayed in the media, though we are seeing more each day, but not when I was a kid. Those that were, were just made fun of. Being fat is funny (sarcasm). The fat character was always the comic relief. They were never the love interest, they were the funny-reliable-relatable best friend. I never felt identified with any character on TV, the were not a lot of fat people, much less fat women. There’s this moment that replays in my mind every once in a while, I was in elementary school and girls are forced to wear skirts (even though pants cover up much better), very little schools allowed us to use pants, but even then, sometimes we couldn’t afford both the skirt and pants, so skirt it was… anyway, there was this kid I had a crush with, and I guess he knew, not sure, so I’m walking upstairs and if you were standing below them, you could see up all of our skirts, he’s standing below and looked up and said “eww”. It’s almost 20 years later and I still remember, that clearly scarred me. Outside of school I’d never wear a skirt, if I did certainly not one short enough that you could see my thighs (there were some rare occasions but just know I was very uncomfortable). I would never wear sleeveless shirts, or dresses, my bathing suits consisted of shorts and a shirt, I encountered many instances of going to a pool and having anxiety because it stated that bathing suits were required. I would always be wondering if I’d be allowed in or if in this instance I’d be kicked out. Wearing shirts with sleeves allowed me to hide my chubby arms, but who was I really fooling? You can still see it, you just can’t see the skin, my mind lied to me that this was better. First time I wore a sleeveless dress, that was just right above my knee was 2017/2018. I was 24 years old, this means I had basically spent most —if not all— of those 24 years, hiding my body. It also didn’t help that I was raised in a pretty strict-Christian household, it was nowhere near as strict as what my parents encountered when they were growing up, but strict. In the church, there seems to be this idea that to appear Christian, you have to look bland, I’d call it ugly, but I don’t know what they would call it. If I had a penny for the amount of people I saw looking the ugliest a person can look… I’d be rich. And this is not talking at all about their physical appearance, this is talking about their dress choices. I get that there’s modesty involved with being Christian but you can be modest and still look good, something the people I encountered growing up did not know, or chose to ignore, I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that I inherited insecurities from the adults around me, not necessarily on purpose but it’s what happens with people, we project our insecurities onto others. “Cross your legs, ladies do not sit like that” or “lower your skirt! There’s people around!” or my very favorite, the chaos whenever your bra strap slipped over, as if people didn’t know women wore bras…. And don’t get me wrong, we don’t want people looking up our clothes and we want to be modest but at the same time there shouldn’t be the taboo there is.

Circa 2018, Blue Lagoon. This is the only image I have of me ever wearing a bathing suit without any shorts. I did not want that documented.

Summer of 2018 I took an impromptu trip to Iceland, when I went to the Blue Lagoon I had a one piece bathing suit, one of the first times I had ever worn one. With a short pant of course, you can’t be showing thighs, fat thighs are ugly and no one wants to see that… my friend and I had to use bathrooms far from each other and she had my shorts in her bag, I can’t recall why. So when I’m putting my bathing suit on, I found I didn’t have the shorts with me, so I had to put my metaphorical big girl pants on and walk out wearing only the one piece bathing suit. By the time I found my friend, I had lost the shame and I decided to just not wear the shorts. I was still nervous when I went in and out of the water, but I did it. That was the first time I’ve ever worn a bathing suit without any cover up. It wouldn’t repeat itself until this year, but instead of a one piece, I wore a two piece, high waist bottoms, sure, but still. After a lifetime of feeling ashamed, in 2022, I finally felt comfortable in my own body. But I’ll get to that later. The summer of 2018 was important in my growth, it was the first time I had worn a sleeveless dress and a one-piece bathing suit without shorts. I would go to wear more dresses, makeup, especially a matte-red that everyone compliments on me. It also didn’t help that the world closed in 2020, I gained weight, lost the weight. I don’t like to think I’m the person that looks from validation from other people, but I am, though now that I know, I’m aiming to validate myself. I don’t need someone to find me pretty to feel pretty. That summer was also the first time that I liked someone and I wasn’t concerned about whether or not they wouldn’t like me because of my body. I was slowly shedding the insecurities.

2022, Puerto Rico. This woman is living her best life. You see that smile? I was also in Puerto Rico, my homeland, that I hadn’t seen in over two years. Wearing this two-piece bathing suit, short-less and very happy.

I was slowly shedding the insecurities.

Summer of 2022, I matched with a guy on a dating app, I wasn’t sure about him, too young, his profile pictures were terrible, but I decided to give it a shot. He was very attracted to me, and at any given point he’d let me know. This made me want to look pretty for him, I’d go on to dress up so he’d see how pretty I was. In doing so I started feeling myself. I started wearing things I would have never worn, I bought lingerie, leather skirts, bodysuits, I realized I had nice clothes, but there were even nicer things I could get. In my mind there was a line on what stuff fat people could and couldn’t use. Turns out it was a fucking lie. I found out I look smoking hot wearing a leather skirt, that it accentuated my fat? Yes, did I still wear it? Also yes. All of this was in part for him, that’s how it started but then somewhere along the way, it started being for myself and if he liked it was a huge plus. It felt very nice to be wanted. It took me a while to understand that it needed to be for me, rather than him, because it got to a point that I was looking for validation from him. He needed to tell me I looked hot, to feel hot. This was also the first time I looked at myself and thought I was hot, it was no longer a label exclusive for the Jennifer Anistons of the world. At the moment he withdrew his validation, I wavered, man did I waver… But then I found myself, I realized it had never been for him, it had been for me. His loss really. He met this very insecure woman and unknowingly allowed her to find herself and when he left, she was not the same person, again, his loss, who doesn’t want a woman that feels confidence in herself, her body whichever way it looks at any given point? I still want and like to be told I look good, who doesn’t? But I also don’t need it to feel myself or to wear something I like. I sent my aunt a picture and she replied with: “confidence looks good on you.” And that’s something I had never felt. I walked out in public wearing a leather bra, skirt, and a sheer top. I WOULD HAVE NEVER. But did I? You bet I did.

Carolyn, 2022, Toronto, Ontario. I am officially calling this the “Carolyn leather era” (sounds naughty in Spanish lol). See the difference? I am fucking feeling myself. I still feel a little conscious but fuck it.

Confidence looks good on you.

My aunt

Am I the problem? Abso-fucking-lutely not. The problem is society fucking up with anyone that’s not a size zero. This is not in any way of form criticism to size zeros, it’s to the people that tiered who deserves to be respected and who doesn’t. I deserve to feel happy wearing whatever I want to wear. I realized I gave people too much power, I get to decide how I feel about myself and no one gets to dictate what is good or bad for me. No one is walking in my shoes, I am, no one knows what I go through, what goes through my mind or what I am working towards.

2022. As I post this, I feel a little conscious about how you can see how my fat looks through this skirt, something I’ve spent years hiding. But I am deciding to concentrate on how fucking hot I look.

My goal with this post is to, hopefully, inspire you, if you’re anything like me, my best advice is to fuck all the people that have made you feel inadequate, wear whatever the fuck you want, if you love it, wear it. Wear it confidently, or fake it until you make it. Do all the things you want to do, don’t follow in my footsteps and don’t miss out on things, your family, friends and people that love you, will thank you. You will regret all those instances where you missed out. I know I do. But no more.

As always,

With love,

Carolyn

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When We Were Young

When We Were Young

“Everyone here is watching you because you feel like home” – Adele

Due to life and human behavior, last year I ended a 8-year old friendship with one my best friends (whom we will call Sam). It was with the help of a another friend but nonetheless my decision. Seeing the response to my distancing text (which in retrospect should have been a conversation but honestly I had had enough), my then-friend responded distant instead of trying to keep me close and maintain our friendship. How we got there came from numerous places, a lot which I don’t remember. What I do know is that I could have been more vocal instead of letting him get away with a lot of things for the sake of our friendship. Which is why I needed help in taking the final step. But I think a lot, if not all of the problem that led us there started years ago, we just weren’t truthful with each other. We met during high school started being friends and I had a crush and similar to your cliche rom-com, it was not reciprocated and God knows why, it took me years to get over it. While telling myself I was over it, of course, it’s just now, looking back that I realized I wasn’t. To some extent still am not. Difference is, back then, things used to bother me so much more to the point of affecting me and affecting my actions, not to say that nothing gets to me now but I’ve managed to try not let as many things get to me as before. He would say things I wanted to hear so I wouldn’t keep pressing on it and both of us were wrong, I shouldn’t have pushed, he shouldn’t have said things he didn’t mean to do. But he would, and I would go along with it instead of being firm and calling it out. So I guess we’re both to blame there.

A year passed since I “broke up” with Sam, a year of wanting to pick up the phone and wanting to fix things, that’s what I do, I try to fix things. Maybe I don’t but at least I tried. A year of enduring a lot of shit by myself because I didn’t have my best buddy to call or to get to stop by. But I had to keep reminding myself that while yes, I told him to stay away, more than what I said, his actions (and mine) led me there. But it still didn’t make me feel any less crappy. And I would have been the world’s biggest hypocrite if I picked the phone and called because I needed something after calling it quits… I’m a very touchy-emotional person and having to break with one of your best friends was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But I did for the good of my mental health. The last few months, whenever we saw each other it was nothing but little fights and passive aggressive comments and when I sent that definitive text didn’t get nothing but a goodbye text instead of a “let’s try to talk this out, this is too rash” or called me out like “this isn’t you, what’s going on?” so I figured I made the right decision; Sam didn’t care so why should I? But I did, so much that a year later (aka., a few weeks ago) I decided to send out a text, not expecting anything back if I’m being honest, Sam is not one to reply too often, I figured that after everything he had blocked my number or that had even changed numbers; I sent it because I felt bad how we had left things. Turns out we were finally on the same page. Figure that one out! He had been wanting to reach out but out of “respect” to what I said, hadn’t. I think it’s bullshit, if you want to reach out to someone, do it, they might be feeling the same way. Clearly, we were but sure, I understand that I drew a very definitive line. We went out and managed to work it out. But I missed out on a few good (and bad) things that happened so I’m still bummed about that. To be honest seeing him against almost felt like no time had passed. Yeah, I missed important things, but he was still the same person (except eating habits, vegan? Really?). The topic of how I decided to walk away came up and he replied that he knew I didn’t arrive to that conclusion by myself, when I questioned how he knew: “because I know you, and that wasn’t you” which was nice to hear. Guess he does know me indeed, but he agreed that I had to look out for myself first even if that was what I had to do.

This post is titled after Adele’s song from 25 and it started with a quote from the same song. This is due to several things. We used to fangirl to Adele a lot (so I thought it’d be a nice reminiscing thing) and I hadn’t listened to her music in a long time and recently got back into it and remembered how much this song has always reminded me of him. Not necessarily because the story is familiar but because the description of the guy fits him. He might not think so but people adore him, either because he’s utterly oblivious or because he’s that humble and doesn’t think they should. Who knows? But I see it often, girls get so smitten, I can’t blame them though. I said before “to some extent I still have a crush” yeah, that shit got stirred up when we met again. Things that I didn’t know were there came knocking at the door. Had you asked me a year ago: “hey, do you still like him?” I would have said no and wouldn’t have been lying. But now? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s not that at all. Maybe it’s just all the excitement of having my friend back. Neither of us thought we’d see each other again. And it’s not like I’m siting in a corner waiting to hear how much he likes me either. I’ve done the “liking your friend that doesn’t like you” before at least twice, it sucks for all of five minutes and you move on. I’ve learned that as long as you know boundaries you can be friends, heck, best friends with someone you like. I’ve seen it happen. Some of you on the other side might be groaning “friend zone!” or “that’s a crappy situation to be in” and you could be right, but also, situations are what we make of them. I can choose to feel crappy because they don’t like me back or I can choose to feel good because I have them as friends. Not the same, true, but why feel crappy on purpose? Am I supposed to cut off every person I like because they don’t like me back? No, we’re grown ups and grown ups can learn to work with the situations they’re put in (or are supposed to haha). Count your blessings and don’t care where they came from. There are not a lot of good people on this planet and the ones that choose to spend their time with you even if it’s not how you wanted still warrants affection and respect. Time is precious.

This seems like “omg she’s settling for the friend”, and not really. Look, I’ll admit it sucks liking someone that doesn’t like you back, but it also feels good as hell to have adult relationships where you’re both mature and can keep being friends in spite of a silly things like that. I mean sure, I’ve also lost friendships for the same shit (if you’ve read the previous blog posts you know what I’m talking about, if not I talk about it in The End is a Beginning and Live and Learn and I also mention a little bit of what happened with the friend I talk about here) but that’s just an example of how not all people are the same. And the ones willing to stick with you in spite of circumstances are the ones that are worthy of you and your time. So choose your friends wisely, your time is valuable; so is theirs. Appreciate it.

This started like a sappy post and I guess it ended like one. But I am honestly happy. It’s not everyday you get to welcome back your best friend. After doing one of the hardest things I had ever done, and having solved it 13 months after, seems like it was in vain, and maybe, but I also think we needed time, maybe not 13 whole months, but that’s how it happened and there’s nothing we can do. We could have handled it better for sure… but I guess we’re now stronger because of it.

I’ll keep you guys updated 😉

Carolyn

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Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging

Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging

So, I took a personality test. I wanted to know what it had to say about me, if it could explain why I am the way that I am. And in this post I will try to dissect the answer it gave me and make sense of it. So, after answering that long personality quiz, the first thing that I saw was: “Defender personality, ISFJ“, which stands for Introversion, Sensing, Feeling and Judging. I wasn’t sure what all of this meant so I googled, for introversion I found meant: “…tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations“. Sensing: “…tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities“. Feeling: “…tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.” Judging: “…tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.”

While the test is not 100% accurate for me, it was true for the most part. Anyone that knows me will say that I am not quiet and reserved and they would be correct. I am an extrovert with those close to me, friends and family, but if I don’t know someone I will be so quiet and shy, that they wouldn’t recognize me. It is true that I prefer the close circle than a big circle, and I do spend a lot of energy. I felt a little attacked when I read that I focus a lot in small details rather than the big picture. Which is half true. I do focus in those small details, but I also look at the big picture. And for sure I love something concrete rather than something abstract. I am trying to improve the part where my decisions are emotional rather than logical, and to some extent it is working, but it is still a work in progress. Lastly, of course I plan everything beforehand, I like to know all the possibilities before diving in. Don’t you..?

But then there’s this phrase: “Defenders are often receptive to change and new ideas“… How about no? Ok, look, when I need to move onto a new facet of my life I will do it. It doesn’t mean that I like it, it means that it’s necessary. But everything needs to be carefully planned. And about the “new ideas“? Well, again, I just need sufficient planning. “Defenders are true altruists, meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess and engaging the work and people they believe in with enthusiasm and generosity.” This part particularly fits me. Everyone that knows me -truly knows me-, knows this to be true. It’s actually one of the reasons that it’s been hard to make friends in the States, because there’s no such thing as “meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess“, I’ve had my hands full when walking from my car to my apartment -and it’s clear I need help/I’m struggling- and I’ve had either neighbors help me out by simply opening a door and I’ve had neighbors that won’t help me at all. This is part of the reason why I’ve gotten into trouble with people, they don’t get how -or even why- I’m so enthusiastic all the time. Which is not necessarily true, but I like to project that because there’s enough sadness in the world, you know? So while I might be bummed out inside, I will try my best to be cheerful.

Fun fact: There’s only 13% of us ISFJ’s. No wonder we’re so rare.

“Defender personalities are often meticulous to the point of perfectionism, and though they procrastinate, they can always be relied on to get the job done on time.” This is another part that fits me to a T. I tend to be a perfectionist, even though I have been working on it. Because not everything can or will be perfect. I procrastinate to no end, but everything is always done on time, which is the reason I procrastinate, though I know I need to do better. “…take their responsibilities personally, consistently going above and beyond, doing everything they can to exceed expectations and delight others, at work and at home.” Work, yes, home, maybe not so much. I am not much of a family person. I love my family, but as a whole we’re not very close, the person I talk to the most is my dad. But the rest, not so much, only here and there. Which is a shame, because when I see other families and they’re all together and they all get along, I get jealous. So, to some extent, I want that too, but we’re all so different as a family, and it wasn’t something that we were taught or encouraged.

“They have a tendency to underplay their accomplishments, and while their kindness is often respected, more cynical and selfish people are likely to take advantage of their dedication and humbleness…” This one specifically speaks to me, because I don’t like to be praised, I get super shy when someone praises me and I’ve been taken advantage of more times than I can remember. That quote continues as: “…need to know when to say no and stand up for themselves if they are to maintain their confidence and enthusiasm.” It’s funny because it is something I’m currently struggling with. I know I need to stand up for myself, but I feel it will cause more trouble than it’s worth and then I’m going to end up like the bad guy.

“Naturally social, an odd quality for Introverts…” I feel… attacked. I am very social, and people think I’m an extrovert, but I am not, not really. I am very shy when I don’t know someone, of course after I know them I’m hell on heels, but otherwise no. I have a special problem with this one: “...coworkers, whom people with the Defender personality type often consider their personal friends.“, specially because I don’t know how to do things half-way, I am an all-or-nothing gal. I have a lot of troubles with the gray area. I don’t exactly sure if it’s a good or bad thing but that’s how I am, there are a lot of things that I know I could improve on, but I don’t know if this is one of those.

“…rarely sitting idle while a worthy cause remains unfinished…. ability to connect with others on an intimate level is unrivaled among Introverts, and the joy they experience in using those connections to maintain a supportive, happy family is a gift for everyone involved…” Yes, a hundred times, yes. It’s hard for me to sit idle when I can do something about, well, something. I struggled for the longest time whether to help someone or not. I thought about it night and day. And I ended up not helping because I didn’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable. That’s another problem I have. I put myself in other’s peoples shoes, maybe way too much.

Strengths:

  1. Supportive: …universal helpers, sharing their knowledge, experience, time and energy with anyone who needs it… they strive for win-win situations, choosing empathy over judgment whenever possible. (Y.E.S.)
  2. Reliable and Patient: …are meticulous and careful, taking a steady approach and bending with the needs of the situation just enough to accomplish their end goals… not only ensure that things are done to the highest standard, but often go well beyond what is required. (💯)
  3. Imaginative and Observant: …very imaginative, and use this quality as an accessory to empathy, observing others’ emotional states and seeing things from their perspective. (I feel personally attacked again.)
  4. Enthusiastic: …take all this support, reliability and imagination and apply it to something they believe will make a difference in people’s lives – whether fighting poverty with a global initiative or simply making a customer’s day. (I’m enthusiastic, but I am not sure about the whole explanation on this one.)
  5. Loyal and Hard-Working: Given a little time, this enthusiasm grows into loyalty… personalities often form an emotional attachment to the ideas and organizations they’ve dedicated themselves to. Anything short of meeting their obligations with good, hard work fails their own expectations. (Yes, also with people. Which is not the best thing ever.)
  6. Good Practical Skills: …have the practical sense to actually do something with all this altruism… can see the beauty and harmony that they create, because they know that it helps them to care for their friends, family, and anyone else who needs it. (I don’t think this is true. If anything all I’ve created lately is chaos.)

Weaknesses:

  1. Humble and Shy: …this is possibly Defenders’ biggest challenge, as they are so concerned with others’ feelings that they refuse to make their thoughts known, or to take any duly earned credit for their contributions. Defenders’ standards for themselves are also so high that, knowing they could have done some minor aspect of a task better, they often downplay their successes entirely. (So freaking true.)
  2. Take Things Too Personally: …have trouble separating personal and impersonal situations… and any negativity from conflict or criticism can carry over from their professional to their personal lives, and back again. (This is a current struggle. Trying to hang in there.)
  3. Repress Their Feelings: …are private and very sensitive, internalizing their feelings a great deal. Much in the way that they protect others’ feelings, they must protect their own, and this lack of healthy emotional expression can lead to a lot of stress and frustration. (This is equals part true and false, I am very open with a lot of stuff, but really-true feelings is not something I tell everyone and I tell everyone everything. I’m also transparent as hell, which doesn’t help.)
  4. Overload Themselves: …strong senses of duty and perfectionism combine with this aversion to emotional conflict to create a situation where it is far too easy to overload themselves as they struggle silently to meet everyone’s expectations, especially their own. (😬💯)
  5. Reluctant to change: …a situation sometimes needs to reach a breaking point before they are persuaded by circumstance, or the strong personality of a loved one, to alter course. (A thousand times yes, which is bad.)
  6. Too Altruistic: …Being such warm, good-natured people, Defenders are willing to let things slide, to believe that things will get better soon, to not burden others by accepting their offers of help, while their troubles mount unassisted. (What is the number one reason Carolyn stays in friendships for too long when it’s not going anywhere? Because she gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. 😬)

It goes on and on talking about relationships which I’m omitting for now, but it does talk about friendships. “…they also need to be able to connect on a deeper emotional level. It makes sense then that most of Defenders’ friends are made not by random encounters on a wild night out, but through comfortable and consistent contact, as in class or in the workplace where they have the time to get to know each other little by little.” This is super true. All of my friends I met as classmates. There’s no one that I consider friend that is outside of that. It should be consider as a weakness the fact that: “…need a lot of positive feedback, and admitting this need certainly shows vulnerability, but if that vulnerability is well handled, it creates the deep bonds that Defender personalities look for. If badly handled or not reciprocated, it’s hard to see the burgeoning friendship surviving without quite a bit of extra effort.” The perfect examples of this are the friendships I’ve talked about in the past and it’s funny/interesting, because I experienced both so recently. One person handled well that vulnerability, the other didn’t. That translates to still being friends with one, but not with the other.

“…as their friendships develop… a sense of loyalty may push them… to meet their friends’ needs, to the point of neglecting their own… they show this in a few ways, from going clearly out of their ways to stick to trivial commitments, to simply not wanting to disagree or say no for fear of causing turbulence. More cynical types would call this naïve, and may even take advantage of Defenders’ altruism – but these are hardly the type of people who could be called ‘friends’“. This flows with the previous statement, it’s part of the reason my friendship ended. He didn’t understand that this is a default setting for me. Which is the type that last statement is talking about. “The real friends…are the ones Defenders truly cherish for their quality of character and quality of discussion. Defenders aren’t particularly picky about what personality types they make friends with, at least not initially, but because they prefer so strongly to avoid conflict and miscommunication, most of their friends are likely to end up being fairly similar personalities.” This is so, so true. I’ve sat down and made this analysis and it is true, all of my friends are similar to me, of course we have differences but we have a lot of things in common.

It also talks about the workplace. “…can always be relied on for their kindness and ability to listen to concerns, and to find ways to resolve them. Win-win situations are Defenders’ bread and butter, and no one takes quite the same pleasure in finding satisfying resolutions to day-to-day challenges.” It goes on to say: “As subordinates they exemplify the strength of humble dedication… only seek one reward for their work: the satisfaction of knowing that whoever they helped feels heartfelt thanks. On the other hand, this humbleness can hold them back – Defenders are quite unwilling to advertise their achievements, often for fear of creating unnecessary friction.” This is particularly true, it is something I am trying to work with currently, I need to be more extroverted. I need to keep my feet firm on the ground and I need to not let anyone step on me. In workplace topics, naturally, co-workers come up. “Among their colleagues, people with this personality type seek a friction-less environment, a spirit of friends helping friends to get the job done. Close-knit and supportive teams are what Defenders enjoy most, allowing them to express their altruistic spirit among people who rely on their dedication and warmth. Defenders are natural networkers, but they use this skill to keep things running smoothly, not as a tool for professional advancement.” I feel -once again-, personally attacked, this is not necessarily a good thing. I’m being too altruistic right now and I am trying to keep the peace even though my coworkers are doing everything in their power to push me over the edge. I guess they could argue they’re not and they could be right. I might being too dramatic as normal, but I believe this is one of the times that I’m not wrong. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out. It goes onto explaining how people with my personality could be managers/bosses, etc. “…they don’t actually enjoy managing others, but this can be one of their greatest strengths… they are warm, approachable and great listeners… prefer to work alongside their subordinates, organizing people and minimizing conflict. This helps them to create personal relationships with their subordinates, to be friends in the workplace who simply have different sets of responsibilities. While they may be slow to accept some changes, they are great at helping their teams put them into practice once they’ve been agreed on. Defenders may be too sensitive to be fully executive material, but they make exemplary floor and office managers who know what it takes to satisfy their customers.” This last topic is particularly me and it’s not at the same time. I can organize stuff well, but I am not good at bossing people around which is why I’m having trouble. Supposedly, I would make a good one -though not an excellent one- because of all of this mentioned before.

The conclusion circles that: “Few personality types are as practical and dedicated… Known for their reliability and hard work… are good at creating and maintaining a secure and stable environment for themselves… dedication is invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth. Yet Defenders can be easily tripped up in areas where their kind and practical attitude is more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is navigating interpersonal conflicts, confronting unpleasant facts, pursuing self-realization, or managing your workload, you need to put in a conscious effort to develop your weaker traits and additional skills.” I believe, there’s not much left to say…

As I was reading this I felt identified, I felt attacked, and others didn’t fit me but for the most part they did. Whenever I am judging myself, I try to be as neutral as possible because I like to be objective. Of course this is not foolproof, it’s a very flawed system. We, as humans being, tend to overlook all of our faults and it’s something I am currently struggling with. I encourage everyone to take the test, it will help you understand some things about yourself, I know it did for me. It specifically outlined my strengths and weaknesses which was an eye opener and most importantly, it showed me that I am not the only one. That a lot of people struggle with this too, even if it’s just the 13%…

Credits to: https://www.16personalities.com/isfj-personality for the creation of the test and the good studies to understand ourselves.

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The naïve believes of a girl

The naïve believes of a girl

When I was little I was always more mature than the rest of my peers, I didn’t realized at the time of course, but I had trouble making friends and I didn’t understand the actions of people around me. I figured, as I moved on to the next facet of my life, that it would be different then because I would be dealing with older people and that, in my naïve mind, meant mature people. As I grew and transitioned from elementary school, to middle school to high school and then college, nothing changed. Except of course I was dealing with older people, only they weren’t mature like they should have been, or how I expected them to be.

I have a bad tendency of expecting people to treat me like I treat them. After all, “treat others the way you want to be treated”, right? But I constantly find myself going to lengths for people and because they’re not me, they don’t even do a quarter of what I do and don’t seem to appreciate it, so it appears as if those efforts go to people who don’t deserve it. I feel the need to help people even when they don’t ask, just because I see them struggling. That doesn’t sit well with everybody and I am sorry, but I will try to help. If you say “no” I will work on not meddling, but just know that I will have you in my thoughts and if you need help, I’ll be there for you (pun intended, my fellow Friends fans). Sometimes I don’t know how to help and I beat myself up over it. Little by little I have been learning that sometimes all you can do is nothing, just sit and wait. It is not easy for me as I get the urge to do something. This has particularly been a struggle since I moved to the U.S., people here are really… independent? Isolated? Detached from other’s suffering? I don’t know. But the point is that I come off as weird (more than normal). It is weird enough back home, where people are used to it, and I don’t know if it’s a Latin thing, or a Puerto Rican thing, but the point is, not in the U.S. Generally, people can see you struggling and no one will stop to help or ask if you need help.

Another trait that I have noticed in adults is the necessity to be petty. I don’t like petty people and I’ve always had trouble understanding the need to be like that. It’s easy to be truthful and honest, at least I believe it to be: it’s the way to be a mature adult. Part of our perks as grown ups is that we have a vast vocabulary to choose from, we have experience and we’re supposed to know our likes and dislikes. Now the term adulthood; I would consider anyone over eighteen to be an adult. But not mentally, they still have a lot to experience, they can be, but not necessarily. I am not the best judge of people so I can’t say for sure, but for me, an adult can be anyone who can handle tough conversations, doesn’t walk away from discussions and is truthful and clear on what they can handle or not. So you can be a 22 year old and I’ll view you as a child if you behave like a narrow-minded person. I’ve also considered 40-50 year old people children.

The best examples I can think of are two particular people I’ve had to deal with. For the sake of the argument I’ll call professor 1, Robert and professor 2, Eddie. So Robert had troubles with Eddie, honestly I don’t even know why, I just know that I would get advice from Eddie and that didn’t sit well with Robert who opted to be petty at me rather than you know, be professional. I didn’t need to know that Robert didn’t like Eddie. Nor did the rest of the class. But there I was, stuck between two professors, both of whom helped me further my career. I made it through with silence, smiles and awkwardness. Then, I experienced it again after a friendship ended bad and the person offered to give me back a gift I had given them. I wasn’t gonna stoop that low and go along with the pettiness, so I only said that it wasn’t necessary. It was a gift, you don’t take those back anyway.

On both of these cases I believe there were easier, better ways to handle the situation. In the first one, Robert could have dealt with his problems with Eddie in private, out of the public eye, without putting me or anyone else in the middle. I got so much trouble out of it because Robert’s immaturity transferred to his students who in turn made snide comments to me, something I don’t think I deserved for just seeking help and advice from two accomplished professors. While I tend to be very independent and don’t like people to help me (I know the irony and hypocrisy is showing), I tend to know work-wise when to acknowledge when I need help, so I will always seek the advice of those who came before me. That was exactly what I was doing in this situation. Now in the second situation, what the person should have done is not treat our friendship as if it had been a relationship where we need to give back everything we ever gave each other. And since we worked together, well, treat each other professionally as I meant to do. But that was before the person didn’t even acknowledge I was in the room. Which I learned to live with and even though at the beginning it bothered me, I was never unprofessional.

The thing is, I wish I could have been as petty as they were, but was I? No. But it wasn’t because a lack of desire, it’s just not who I am. But I am not exempt of getting upset and wanting “revenge” even if I don’t go through with it. Not everyone has to like me, I can make my peace with that. But I believe that in the work environment everyone should behave professionally. Feelings need to be put aside because it is not a place for them. And this is coming from the queen of feelings, alright? The one that feels the most, cares the most and has a hard time letting go. Work has to be professional, no room for feelings. If it were, it would be called something else. Of course feelings are always going to play a part in our lives as much as we try to compartmentalize, but we need to try our best to put it aside. Do you know how many times I’ve had to work with a person I didn’t like? Or someone I wasn’t comfortable with? Tons, but if I get mad, or act petty, it just makes everything harder. I wish to show those people the same level of pettiness they’ve showed me, but I haven’t because I know it’s not effective. And truth be told, I am not that kind of person, so I don’t know if I could anyway.

I don’t know what needs to be done in every situation, but everyone reading this: analyze yourself, we tend to overlook our faults. I have been guilty of doing so, that’s why I have been trying to look at my actions and is also the reason why I talk to my friends : “am I not expressing myself correctly?”, “did I say something wrong?” and so on. Little by little I have worked on being my own judge and be as impartial as I could to be. We have to realize that is not always the other person and we can contribute to their response to our actions. Don’t be too overly critical of yourself, but be
critical enough to accept your own faults. Please, grow up, be adults, we don’t need children in work places, we need adults that won’t get offended when they’re reprimanded for not doing their job properly. We need people who, if they were reprimanded, would accept that they’ve been lacking in something and it was well deserved. Accountability. We need accountability.

I am sad I grew up, it’s shocking to learn that nothing ever changes, not really. It’s a horrible world where good things happen to bad people and they get away with it. While it was a lie, it was nice to think, as a child, that when I was older most of my problems will figure themselves out. But now, I know that that’s not the case, not everyone grows out of their immaturity, and they just go through life being adults with teenage mindsets.

I said it before and I’ll repeat it again, we need to be accountable for our own actions, good or bad. Especially the bad ones.

Carolyn