“I’ve been having a hard time adjusting… I have a lot of regrets about that.”
-Taylor Swift
I had never seen a therapist until a good friend of mine passed away back in 2017, and I was in a foreign city, by myself with no support system. Since then I understood the importance of talking things through with someone that can help. I’m a therapist’s dream, I talk so fucking much.
Unfortunately finding a good one is hard, I changed therapists twice because I felt I wasn’t getting anything from it, she just listened and never challenged me or helped me understand things. After searching I found one I loved, only to have her change jobs and unfortunately does not see patients anymore. So the search for a new one was an uphill battle but I made it.
I think it was match made in heaven because for one, she’s named like one character from my favorite show. She listens when she needs to but she also makes me think about things. In the time we’ve known each other I feel she’s gotten a good sense of who I am as a person, like I’ll walk in and she senses my mood is off asks me if need a hug, and she never misses.
“And maybe I don’t quite know what to say
But I’m here in your doorway
I just wanted you to know
This is me trying”
I went to her about this whole ordeal with Jack (if you missed my previous two blog posts go here and here), she said she has never seen me that down (my friend said the same thing), that’s just me overwhelmed by life, this situation with Jack isn’t exactly making things better, on top of that the pottery studio I’ve been throwing clay is closing (I’ll talk about this at a later time), which is a new hobby where I had the space to channel some time and energy into, all of it feels like the end of the world.
I know that’s not necessarily true and it’s just one of those when it rains it pours kind of situations and it’s hard to control the emotions when you feel problems coming back to back with no end in sight. That’s why I have been channeling some of that stress into the gym, working out for longer, my body is exhausted about the extra work but the dopamine really helps ground me.
Until I sat down that day, all my therapist knew was that I had some fun with Jack who I had gone out on a date with months prior, and that that was all it was, fun. I updated her on the realization I had that I wanted more than that because how he made me feel. I showed her conversations between the two of us and she thinks he could be thinking things through, I did spring brand new information on him and maybe he can’t make the switch that quick (plus he started seeing someone, fuck my life) — which is fair. I’m at a point in my life where if you’re not sure of me, I’ll just fuck off, I have no time for someone unsure of me, but for this, for him, I am making an exception. Why? Because I said no first, I was unsure first, I came around and hopefully he will too, but I don’t know that, I am not necessarily waiting as much as I’m letting time pass. If he comes around and the feelings are still there, we pursue things, if they’re not then we don’t or maybe he never comes around. That’s the shitty thing about life, there is a lot of uncertainty.
“And it’s hard to be at a party when
I feel like an open wound
It’s hard to be anywhere these days
when all I want is you”
As I sat down on her couch, I told her I’d be hugging a cushion and holding onto the tissue box, I’ve cried on her couch before, but I think this is the first time I’ve walked in teared up and had a hard time getting coherent words out. She listened, then gave her advice. I blamed myself for the situation I found myself in with Jack, if I had just seen him last year like I am now, maybe we could have had a good relationship, instead I concerned myself with thinking I knew what would happen if we dated. At the time I was heartbroken and I was trying to avoid feeling that way again, so I skipped it altogether. Big mistake, because I was now regretting it.
The thought that keeps playing around in my head is that if that asshole made me lose out on a great person, I’d be so upset, Peter left me very heartbroken, it took months and a lot of situations for me to get over it. I am often told “what’s for you won’t pass you by” and that may be true but it’s never helped the uncertainty or given me comfort. I never thought I’d see Jack that way, not because of who he is, just because of who I was. Who I was changed, so I changed how I saw him. And because life is shitty, the timing’s off.
A big thing that’s fucking me up big time is that Jack is someone I vent to, when something’s shitty, when work stresses me out, when a date goes wrong, and he’ll make a joke to try to make me feel better, or be sweet and tell me it’s going to be okay that one day we’ll find someone who’s crazy about us. You know the shitty thing about liking a friend? You kind of lose them, the relationship changes, he’s there for me but I can’t exactly be a good friend to him can I? Specially when he’s seeing someone. Add to that that he can’t read a room for shit because I was clear on not wanting to know anything about who he’s seeing and after a “how are you?” text, he tells me he’s driving home from a city about an hour from him, and that prompted me to ask “what’s there?”, and he replies with “the girl I’m seeing”. Cue tears and regrets aiming to overwhelm me again.
I did all I could do with Jack, as in, I told him how I felt, I was direct (and naughty) about it, just so he knew I meant business, so he knew that I wasn’t just smitten —because I’m not, so he knew that I was a damn fool for missing him the first time around. I was clear so he knew I wanted him. After that, there’s not much I can do. Ball’s in his court. All I can do is sit back and stress about it, if you know anything about me is I can’t sit back and relax.
Just before I left the session, my therapist gave me homework, she asked me to make a list of five things as to why this situation with Jack is not all my fault. I felt attacked so my response was “me? take the blame for everything? NoOOo.” We laughed, because it’s exactly what I do and what I’m doing right now. She said that relationship (whether, that’s friends, between a therapist and a patient, romantic, etc.) stuff doesn’t all fall on one person, it falls on both. So I had to sit down to ponder, why isn’t it all my fault? It certainly feels like it, we went out, had a great time, and I didn’t give it time, we didn’t see each other in person again for me to know if we should or should not pursue things, I just made a decision based on little information.
But the question remained in my head. The first thing I thought of was that I didn’t know and to be honest, still don’t know, if he was/is into me. Having fun together means nothing in this regard, many women (and men) make that mistake, something can just be physical and not mean anything more than that. If I’m being quite honest it didn’t mean much to me either, it was just a good time, it just happened that it took that for me to realize I wanted more but it wasn’t due to one good time. I remember his sweet text after I told him I didn’t/couldn’t pursue things further and thinking maybe I made a mistake. He flirted more with me after we called it off than during. In his words “If I’m being quiet and awkward I’m actually trying to figure out how to flirt” —which was all of our date if I’m being honest (remember this is the guy that shook my hand after our date). I want to think that if I knew he was into me, I would have thought twice before calling it off. I wouldn’t think I’m one to reject someone I think is cute even if I wasn’t feeling yet at the time. I also have to think about how our first date went, it was something like me asking if he was ever going to ask me out and within the hour we were out at a bar, but after that he didn’t ask me out, so I didn’t think the interest was there. Could I be wrong? Yes. Could I have asked him? Yes. So how is it really not my fault? I don’t know.
This is what my list looks like:
- I didn’t know if he was interested in me
- He didn’t initiate dates
- I don’t know
- I really think it’s my fault
- I don’t know if my therapist is right on this one
I don’t think I know more than she does but it’s hard to see it any other way. But I’m also in the midst of it so I understand not seeing it from someone else’s point of view.
Regret is a very painful thing, on the one hand, Jack deserves someone who cares for him and if the person he’s seeing is that person, then I’ll be happy for him, and my feelings will go away, but on the other hand, I’m mad/sad/jealous that that person is not me. How can I tell him that I’m happy for him with a straight face when I don’t mean it? I do but I don’t.
Can I just wish upon a start? Or make my 11:11 wish that he sees me like I see him?
Will it work? Probably not.
As always,
With love,
Carolyn