An open letter to the friend that broke my heart

I’ve held onto this for a few weeks now, debating whether it required a post for itself or not. I read it a few days ago and decided it did. So here it goes:

As fate would have it, I met this boy at a random party, to be honest we didn’t talk then. But by chance, we were in the same class and it was an instant click, we had a similar sense of humor. From talking before and after class, our relationship developed into sitting together. I had a new friend, yay! Then, we had conversations through Snapchat and eventually texted. A lot. Look, I talk a lot so that’s normal for me, but it’s rare to find someone that will let me talk and not mind. I told him to let me know if he minded because I am not the best reader of people and he seemed to be fine with it. For a little bit, I thought he liked me because he would say funky things. We started hanging out, at my place, out somewhere. I even got a gift from him out of the blue, the randomest thing ever. Though my favorite memory was one day where I was struggling and he stepped out of the gym and stopped by my place with ice cream. Pistachio, because out of the times we had gone out, he had observed that’s what I had gotten (ask me which flavors he got, idk!). The thing to know about me is that I treat everyone the same. Whether I like them or not, whether you’re my friend or not. At one point I’m with my best friend on the phone, talking about how it looked like we were dating, but I didn’t know if we were, my friend agreed. But I wasn’t sure what to do. He brought up the conversation once, we agreed we weren’t, I explained that I never treated him special, he brought things he minded and even dropped the “it’s not you, it’s me” (which ended up being b.s… I should have listened to FRIENDS, “if they tell you it’s them, it’s really you) and that was the end of it… or so I thought. Things were ok for like three days. He started pushing me away, stopped sitting with me. Since it was unexpected, it hurt like hell. I waited for him to clarify, about two days after, I texted him, he called me and it turned out I had said a joke, which he thought I meant. Another thing to know about me is that I’m sarcastic 99% of the time. But he didn’t buy it and asked for space. While I tried my best to keep my distance, it goes against my nature so it wasn’t perfect. So that was my best, even if it wasn’t the best by him. We were even scheduled to travel together so whatever was going on, needed to be solved by then, which is part of the reason for me to try to keep in touch and try to help fix whatever was going on. Days and weeks went by and we were not talking. I kind of confronted him through an app, not my finest moment but I hadn’t seen him so it was the only way I could do it. What I was told was that we were talking too much, that he was uncomfortable and that I was too energetic and kept reminding him he wasn’t in a good place. Long story short, he thought the trip would help him clear his mind. Short after I got a text that said that he wasn’t making it. To some extent I tried to talk him into going. Though it wasn’t long until I realized how he had made his mind up about me. There was nothing I could say that would make him change his mind. He was done with me, done with me without giving me the benefit of the doubt, without letting me explain. I didn’t know what was going on!

While he explained why he decided not to be my friend anymore, it still didn’t make sense. I did interpret that from our previous conversation, I guess he expected me to treat him different, which I didn’t because I never treated him differently. He told me how suffocated I made him feel and a lot of things along that line. I wanted to take the high road so I told him I wished him farewell, that I hoped he would fulfill his dreams because in spite of everything, I thought he was a good person. Why? I don’t know. He was horrible to me. Though I think I was horrible to him, in his story. And that’s how I got a friend and lost a friend in the course of two months. The aftermath was the worst: crying at home, and being a hermit for a week, I had anxiety attacks, I couldn’t breathe and honestly I couldn’t deal with anything. I blamed myself, even though I had taken responsibility for what was my fault, even if he didn’t see it.

If you’re reading this, I even had your Christmas gift picked out, I freaked out for months because I wasn’t sure what to get you. It was a set of loose tea and a really nice steeper. You would have loved it. I am mad at you. It took me a week and then some to feel better. I cried on the way to a friend’s house, who would subsequently take me to the airport, because it wasn’t supposed to happen that way, because it was supposed to be the two of us. I semi hoped to see you at the gate, to enjoy the trip even if it wasn’t with me. I even felt guilty, because you were excited and I felt like I took that from you. It was never my intention to be the villain in your story, on the contrary, I always try to make people feel better. It might take a little bit more for me to be over it. But you know what? I learned from this. To some extent, I’m glad it played out that way. Maybe the briefness was supposed to teach me (and maybe you) a lesson. Don’t use this bad situation as an excuse to not put yourself out there. You were working on being more open, so do it. Our friendship didn’t work out, but another one will. Fly, fly, fly.

I do wished we could have talked about it, truly talked about it. I would have gone to the ends of the world for you, but that’s just who I am. It’s hard to understand my personality, I know, but know that I never lied. I tried to be as honest with you as I could possibly be. From this, you should learn to know yourself a little bit better, know what things you’re ok with and what you’re not. It’s a shame I didn’t because I was 50% ready to end the friendship with you a month before you did, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt, joke’s on me. I’m still mad and hurt as hell with you. Because I believe I deserved better. I’m a good, kind person and I don’t think I deserved this. But oh well, live and learn. I thought I could leave the door open for us to be friends again at some point down the road. But I don’t know… In this aftermath I don’t know if I could. But to be honest, I’ll say I can’t and will probably do it. But who knows?

Carolyn 

P.S. You said I made you laugh. A few times you said that… who lets go of someone that makes them laugh? It baffles me.