Live and learn

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Jeff Ross

I am a very energetic person. I will sing and dance at a public place, even though I am not good at either one. While I will cry at the silliest things, i.e. if someone yells at me (I’m not very thick skinned), I will never (or rarely) do so in public. So, I may have been crying minutes before stepping into any public place, but I will still have my best smile, a song or two, and most likely a dance. Rarely people outside of my close circle of friends will know what’s going on. I am also a very kind person. I will go to the ends of the Earth for the people I care about and I get attached quick and very easily, usually just a couple of days if the other person is also showing interest in starting a friendship. As an example (a funny/interesting one at that), the last time I made a friend, I was able to pinpoint the exact moment I realized that it was going to end up with me getting attached and inevitably hurt, but I’ll get to that in a moment. 

First, some back story. A couple of months ago my work place was having a few visitors from outside the country that were going to be with us for a while, and then they were going back home. They were working under my boss, so by extension, with me. Since I consider myself kind and welcoming, I basically took it upon myself to show them around. They told me they loved to play pool, and since I had offered to drive them around as necessary, one day they looked up a place to play and I took them. I had never played pool before, being raised in a strict Christian household, pool is considered a bar game, meaning only people who drink play it (fun fact: my mom still cringes at the fact that I know how to play pool… I’m twenty four years old!). We went to what looked like a very sketchy place. Out of the two, one is an introvert, the other an extrovert. The extrovert told the employee that there were going to be three players. I frowned as I heard it, but I went along with it (although I am an extrovert too, I am very introverted around strangers at first, and they were still strangers by then). They chose a table and three cues, even though I had explicitly said that I didn’t know how to play.

As they were starting to play, I tell the introvert that they could play without me, and he tells me: “it’s fine, we want you to play”. That comment warmed my heart, it felt really good, it had been a while since someone had wanted me to be a part of something. But I was feeling embarrassed because they were really good and I was not. So as the extrovert is watching the table to choose his shot, I approach him and I tell him the same thing, to which he replies: “it’s fine, we want you to play”. And I thought it was hilarious how they both said the same thing, in different moments, and it’s not like either of them spoke loud enough for the other to hear. They genuinely wanted me to play with them, it made me so happy. I don’t think they even knew how much.
In that split second the following words went through my mind: you’re going to get attached to them, and they’re eventually leaving, so you’re going to be sad. But there was nothing that I could do to stop it, short of not talking to them again. And did I want to? Not really. And was the pain worth all the happy moments? Yes, it was. 

Long story short, they started teaching me how to play, and by the end I was a lot improved. We played often while they stayed here, and I’m so much better now than that clueless girl who was barely able to hit the white cue ball. I always come across people, like the extrovert I mentioned before, that are okay with me getting attached quickly. They, more often than not, turn out to be people that I can talk to, befriend them and be myself with. Luckily, that was the case here. Spoiler alert: we’re BFFs now, even though the idiot lives on the other side of the world (thank God for Whataspp) and that we only knew each other for two months. Surprisingly enough, he’s a lot like me and gets attached to people quickly.

…
…you’re going to get attached to them, and they’re eventually leaving, so you’re going to be sad… and was the pain worth all the happy moments? Yes, it was…

But I also have come across people that don’t like the way I am and/or want me to change, and there are two that particularly stand out. (Sidenote: I have this weird thing where I feel like I need to be extra nice to people that are dicks to me. And before you ask, it takes a lot for me to be able to be mean in return, and in the end it just takes a toll on me, so I figure it’s not worth it. I’d rather be nice than not… it’s just who I am.) Anyway, the first person was this guy I knew who was really mean to me (and because I’m a masochist, I used to have a crush on him, jeez), but the thing is I never understood why he acted like that. I do know that I like to call people by pet names, and more often than not it’s done unconsciously (so you’ll hear me calling you “babe”, “honey”, etc.) but since he hated it, I did my best not to call him that, although I admit I’m still not the best at controlling what I say. Fast-forward a year or two, we were on the phone, and we were talking about situations like this that had happened between us, and I found out what was going through his mind back then. He knew he was being a dick to me, and it angered him that I was nice, and so he was extra mean. Talk about logic. 

I feel like I need to be extra nice to people that are dicks to me.

The second person was this other guy I used to be friends with. The way we became friends was unusual, everything happened really fast. Within a few days of knowing each other we got each other stuff (little presents), we would hang out often, the whole deal. (Quick background: Recently, and as a result of various situations, I have been getting to know myself better, and now I am able to tell people: “I’m like this” or “I do this and that”, so no one can ever blame me for lying or misleading them. I’m upfront front the beginning.) But the thing is, after a month or so this person started to mind my talking a lot, my energetic personality, etc. If he had known himself well enough, and if he had told me the truth about how he felt, I could have explained that my behavior wasn’t because I had a crush on him (like he thought), but because I am like that with everyone. Oh well, we’re not friends anymore. Shit happens, moving on… 

I have been getting to know myself better.

The reason I went through the trouble of explaining all of this is because something really nice and cute happened today in the midst of finals hell week. I was doing this homework that has been taking us forever to finish, and I was beat. One of my classmates mentioned that his wife’s birthday was today, so as we’re leaving for the day I tell him: “tell your wife I said happy birthday”, and he says he’ll pass it on. So I go like: “Yeah, just tell her that a random classmate that she doesn’t know wishes her a happy birthday”. He then goes on to say: “Oh, she knows about you”. There were a million thoughts going through my head at the moment about why he would tell her about me, but the most predominant was: “Oh, maybe he told her he has a classmate from Puerto Rico”. Then he said the nicest thing ever: “She knows I take classes with someone that has the energy of a 6 year old”, there was a pause, and I smiled and said: “I’m taking that as a compliment”, and he told me it was.

So, what I am trying to get at is this: not everyone will appreciate you, not everyone will like who you are, and people will give you shit for being yourself. And that hurts… like hell. But remember, just remember, there is always someone that will appreciate you, someone that will like you the way you are, accept you just the way you are, and love you in spite of the things they don’t like about you, but they look past them because they know that’s not the only part of you. Don’t let the people that don’t appreciate who you are bring you down. They’re not worth it. Fight for those who are there through thick and thin, those who will put their pride aside to be there with you, because they truly love you. So move on, there will come someone along who will be worth it. I will pass on the wisdom of a good friend of mine, when I asked him how do I know when it’s time to let go of things or people, he said: “It’s easy, value your time, determine the things that bother you and make them non-negotiable. If a non-negotiable thing happens, let it go, it’s not worth it”, and had I followed his advice, I think I would have ended a certain friendship a month or so before the other person decided that they were done with me. But live and learn, and don’t make the same mistake twice, babe. 

Carolyn